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The Babadook - The scoop and digest

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Dying Breed, Wolf Creek, The Loved Ones, Rogue and The Horseman are all great Australian exports.

Heard of this one?

The majority will shake heads.

Before serving the meat, let me pour genesis.

Jennifer Kent's feature length directorial debut stems from her own 2005 B/W horror short Monster, with closet villain (Trash Vaudeville) boasting a superb name.

If it's in a word.
Or it's in a look.
You can't get rid of...
The Babadook.

Catchy, right?

Plot details and/or spoilers are expected to scare.

Learning fantasy is far from friendly include:

Essie Davis - Amelia
Noah Wieseman - Samuel
Benjamin Winspear - Oskar
Tim Purcell - The Babadook

Since the death of her husband Oskar, Amelia has struggled to bring up bothersome son Samuel.

During a bedtime story, mummy bear reads a mysterious pop-up book entitled 'Mister Babadook'.

Full of unpleasant sketches and disturbing poetry, showing this on Jackanory would instigate a flurry of complaints.

Soon after, Samuel becomes convinced that the Babadook is real.

Growing sick and tired of an overactive imagination, she rips up the guts of paper and gives the bin a meal.

(Silly cow).

Remember how Annabelle reacted to such a rejection...

After answering the door several times to 'nobody', she finds the repaired book on doorstep.

New verses describing how the monster thrives on denial and gruesome premonitions depicting murder understandably leads her to burn book burn.

(Stupid bitch).

During a disturbance downstairs, she shares an embrace with Oskar whose benevolence transforms into malevolence.

When trying to get some much needed shut eye, a silhouette hovers above and takes the opportunity to enter Amelia's mouth.

Samuel feels the brunt of general abuse and as foretold, she snaps the dog's neck like a twig.

Not wanting to go the same way, he stabs and leads her down to a trap filled basement where she is knocked sparko.

Regaining consciousness and breaking free from restraints, she manages to vomit the black substance up.

Samuel feels the force and for his troubles, is taken for a ride.

As the Babadook slowly emerges, Amelia's threats for it not to harm him are enough to make the monster collapse quicker than a jelly on a wet mattress.

Its spirit retreats and takes five in the basement.

Some time later, a bowl of worms is prepared for the Babadook to 'eat' and Samuel finally enjoys a birthday party.

In short, sleeper horror hit of the year.

Courtesy of Kickstarter, not a cent is spared from a budget of just over $30,000.

Predictably, effects are minimalist but very effective.  Buckets of blood are discarded in favour of skillfully staged shocks that unnerve with alarming accuracy.

The sequence of flicking through the rewritten Mister Babadook and unexpected hallucination of Samuel's bloodied body are standout moments that freaked me the fuck out.

Essie delivers an excellent performance and kudos must be also handed to whippersnapper Wieseman, who takes the traumatic situation on the chin.

Babadook's distorted voice is reminiscent of The Shining and 'Redrum', with monster smacking of the Creeper from Jeepers Creepers fame.

There is however, something very sinister about the whole affair.

We'll never know if it's directly lifted or coincidence but the book is even burned, just like footage and Super 8 camera in Scott Derrickson's supernatural creep fest.

Regardless of comparison, this brims with psychological menace and brooding suspense, ensuring your mince pies will be thoroughly engrossed from beginning to end.

America - leave it be or a friend of mine will 'dook dook dook'...

Hearing the same, seeing different - Final Crack

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To complete this tasty trilogy, a larger than life feature awaits.

Along with some miscellany, there's lots of goodies to wade through so let's proceed.

3rd and Third (albums from The Baseball Project and Portishead respectively)



For fun, #3 - The Script


Armageddon and Armour-Geddon


1991 action strategy for DOS, Atari ST and Amiga.
Love and Luv



Game Boy and Gameboy


Gameboy - Jacek Yerka
Phantasmagoria and Fantasmagoria (albums from The Damned and Epysode respectively)



There's also this 1995 FMV driven interactive horror.


It was followed by the hugely controversial sequel, A Puzzle of Flesh.

The End and The E.N.D


The Energy Never Dies.
Sx_Tape and Sex Tape

An original take on the ever popular found footage genre as after recording their lust in a disused hospital, the ghost of a former patient possesses.
It's nothing great, but worth watching.

Bare (Annie Lennox album) and Bear



Coma and Koma



Okay guys, I've gone easy on you so far but now I crank the volume up to eleven.

Good Mourning (Alkaline Trio album) and Good Morning


A 1959 Japanese comedy film.
Congo and Kongoh


After SNK's demise, Playmore (before they became SNK Playmore), hired most to tarnish and pollute the Neo Geo name with general bullshit.
In 2001, Noise Factory ensured that at least Sengoku 3 featured nice animation.
Gil and Gill

This is one of four chars in Video System's 4P side scrolling brawler Karate Blazers.
The Mysterious Fighter.  What's justice to him?
What the fuck does that mean?
Capcom finally gave us Street Fighter III in 1997.
Expect to face red and blue in New Generation, 2nd Impact and 3rd Strike.
Gill bemoans the fact he's bound to be ahead of Nemo to complement a popular English dish that goes with chips, mushy peas, buttered bread and probably condiments.
Thaw, Thor and Four


Chris Hemsworth unsuccessfully took the Marvel char to the big screen.

Bloc Party - Four
Berk and Burke

Our boy in blue is general dogsbody for The Thing Upstairs in classic claymation children's TV show The Trap Door.
Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis star as the grave-robbing duo out to make a fast buck in John Landis' black comedy Burke & Hare.
The name's Burke, Carter Burke.  I like to fuck people over for a goddamn percentage.
You'll probably know John Jarratt as murderer Mick Taylor in Wolf Creek but in 2012 horror comedy 100 Bloody Acres, he's Sgt Burke.
Van Damme as Burke in silly but entertaining prison action thriller Death Warrant.
Electra and Elektra

Baddie from Sega's Streets of Rage 3.
Jennifer Garner plays the part in this largely forgettable Daredevil spin-off.
Goza and Gozer

Gargoyle's Quest 2 has a Neptune like monster as its end boss.
Ivan Reitman's Ghostbusters is probably the greatest supernatural comedy of all time.
Slavitza Jovan's impact is brief, but remains one of Hollywood's most iconic villains.
As the name is so close...

Goda is a monster from the original Breath of Fire on SNES.
Sin and Synn

It sounds shite, looks shite and probably is well, shite. 
This fire-breathing beastie is the end boss to Capcom's Dungeon & Dragons arcade sequel, Shadow over Mystara.
Thrak (King Crimson album) and Frak!



Bread and Bred

Carla Lane's famous British sitcom follows how the Boswell family make ends meet.
(Arcade)
Oh! My God!!
I'm blubbing like a bastard baby and while I cry, I hope you jolly well die.
(SNES)
Oh! My Car (is a fucking right off and not even worth salvaging for scrap).
Cobra and Kobra


Mortal Kombat Deception should join Cyrax in the desert.
Chaos and Kaos

Toshinden pre-dated Namco's hugely successful Soul series.
Before umpeeling 64 bits, Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble was the last tree the SNES swung from.
Sheba and Shiba

An essential requirement for all you pussies out there.
Appearing in Dreamcast shmup thing Cannon Spike, Shiba is a tribute to Siva from Midnight Wanderers.
He was definitely one of Three Wonders.
Knightmare and Nightmare

The only way is onward, there is no turning back.


A Catacomb Bite was practically invulnerable and therefore, is best subdued by magic.
Nightmare - Boris Vallejo
Siegfried's evil alter-ego, as seen in Soulcalibur IV.
Nightmare is also a 1981 slasher film.

Rafael and Raphael

Rio 2 flaps its Amazonian wings. 
We're not genetic accidents, but aliens with acid for blood?
Shit man, that is so not cowabunga.
Nicky and Niki

Adam Sandler is Nicky from mediocre comedy Little Nicky.
Urotsukidoji is filled with blood, monsters, masturbation, sex, sex, and more sex.
Nick (Christopher Walken) has one shot too many in 1978 classic The Deer Hunter.
Suffering from terminal lung cancer, John Cazale of The Godfather and Dog Day Afternoon fame completed all his scenes but died tragically before the film was completed.
XXX and Xexex


Konami's 1991 sick arcade shmup was light years ahead of its time and still looks fantastic today.
Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius sweetly gave a candy coated tribute.
Checkered Flag and Chequered Flag

This 1991 effort on Atari's ill-fated handheld was remade for Jaguar in 1994.
Scaling effects were intermittently used in 1988 top down vroom action.
Five years before, Speccy owners could burn rubber from a totally different viewpoint.
It was one of the very first tapes I owned.
Pretty weird, right?.

Narc and Nark

Cover art for one of several 1988 home releases.
Welcome to the Fantasy Zone.  Get Ready (to dodge and shoot down all sorts of shit).
The message of "Ready?  Many more battle scenes will soon be available" didn't hang around for long but still got in the bastard way.
Peculiar sound effects accompanied relentless action and other stages
 included Parms, Amar, Olisis, Drail and Moot.
The thinking behind those names?  (Shrugs shoulders).
Ignoring the Master System original, Space Harrier 3-D utilised the Segascope LCD glasses in 1988, as did Poseidon Wars.  Line of Fire had its fill later in 1991.

Chuckie and Chucky

One of several Rugrats created to simply annoy.
I'm a serial killing soul trapped inside a Good Guy doll.
Wanna play?
Cheryl and Sheryl

"The lock is jammed.  This door can't be opened."
"It looks like the lock is broken.  I can't open it."
How can she raise a smile?

Demented cow.
The Rumble Fish 2 brought an assortment of oddities on the Atomiswave arcade board.
Ecco and Echo

Debuting in 1992, the mammal going ' eek' certainly impressed on Mega Drive.
Beverly d'Angelo's name was the butt of a cheesy joke in Every Which Way But Loose.
The Echo...


Scutter and Skutter

Namco's Galaxy 3: Project Dragoon 1994 arcade had two laserdisc players running concurrently.
Before back-up computer Queeg 500 assumes command of Red Dwarf, Lister and Cat watch in contempt as Rimmer wins a game of draughts by default.
Huey and Hewie

I never liked Duck Tales.  In fact, it drove me quackers.
Meet Fiona's trusty canine companion in Clock Tower 4, er Haunting Ground.
The thinking behind Huey's design in Video System's obscure arcade fighter Tao Taido was inspired by a lying shit called Pinocchio.
Terabyte and Terror Bite

There is no point in wasting 1000 gigs of hard drive space...

VSSE agents Giorgio Bruno and Evan Bernard evade a military developed bio weapon in Time Crisis 4.
S.E.T.H. and Seth

Michael Jai White provides computer speak in the particularly awful Universal Soldier: The Return.
I've always loathed Seth as a char and end boss to Street Fighter IV.
Max Shreck and Max Schreck

Christopher Walken's crooked millionaire businessmen got deep fried in Tim Burton's decent sequel Batman Returns.
You're looking at the vampire in F.W. Murnau's 1922 silent masterpiece and unauthorised adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Whether reference or coincidence - freaky stuff.

Shadow of the Vampire told a fictionalised account behind the making of Nosferatu, with John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe as director and monster respectively.

Hana, Hannah and Hanna

Central protagonist from the Fear Effect series on PS1.
Frank's teenage daughter didn't make 28 Weeks later and 28 Months Later will never fucking happen.
Hanna plays a pivotal role in Silent Hill: The Arcade.
One more.

Hanna (Saiorse Ronan) stars in the 2011 eponymously titled action thriller.
Z, Zead and Zed

This real-time strategy originally appeared on PC in 1996.
This mysterious mister in Castlevania: Curse of Darkness on PS2 turns out to be Death warmed up on toast.
We are left to imagine the unimaginable pain of what a pair of pliers and blowtorch can inflict upon rapist Peter Greene in Tarantino's rather fantastic Pulp Fiction.
To mop up, we have Zed from Wild Arms.


Now for the marvellous and magnificent (in no particular order).

Melina and Mileena

Quaid's apparently a two-faced bastard.
You can't blame him angel.  He's innocent.
Mileena (played by Katalin Zamiar) began life in Mortal Kombat II and wasn't Kitana's twin sister, but a clone created by Shang Tsung.
Xena and Zena

Warrior Princess Lucy Lawless swung her stick in a xexy way.
Voiced by Tsu Do Nim, meet Prison Planet Geo's warden in body-shock horror anime Guy: Awakening of the Devil.
The final OVA to feature Guy and Raina was Double Target.

Tyrants Lord Noima (left) and Lady Arcana rule Planet Frezon and when they awake a monster within the Golden Goddess, the result of their sacrifice must be defeated.
Guenter and Gunter


Invented by Professor Farnsworth, the Electronium hat makes this monkey in Futurama brighter than the average button. 
Sunsoft's Galaxy Fight on Neo Geo served a nice slice of fighting pie.
The Ice King in Cartoon Network's Adventure Time gives penguin servants the same name but depending on personality, pronounces each differently.
Theo and Fio

Computer whizz Theo (Clarence Gilyard Jr) wasn't hired by Hans (Alan Rickman) for his charming personality, but to open the Nakatomi vault in John McTiernan's Die Hard.
Fio made her debut in Metal Slug 2.
The 1996 original was developed by Nazca and not SNK.
Boni and Boney

I've opened The Trap Door again and a disembodied skull is Berk's closest friend.
Boneys aren't the friendliest types in inoffensive 'zomromcom' Warm Bodies.
Cammy and Cammie

Newcomer Cammy instantly provided charm in Super Street Fighter II.
Lucy Deakins was the irritating love interest in hit and miss comedy The Great Outdoors.
Holly Wood and Holli Would


El Gado's mate in Final Fight.
To say this bitch wasn't a slut in forgotten live action cartoon hybrid Cool World is like claiming a pro isn't up for giving sexual favours.
The final pair to stand and stare...

La Roux and Laru

This time baby I'll beeeeee Bulletproof.
Not to be confused with area bosses, terror twins Sword and Flame make Stage 2 boss Laru in Midnight Wanderers.
Wow.  That's total genius.  How the hell do you dream up all this crazy ass shit?

It's a talent.

Even so...

Shut up will ya, you'll make me blush.

Ouija - The scoop and digest

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To clear up a common misconception, the name is pronounced 'wee-ja', not 'wee-gee'.  It comes from the French and German words for 'yes'.

Over the years, how many horrors have touched upon similar subject matter?

Put it this way - lots.

Witchboard became a franchise and although poorly executed, tattooing one's body in Necromentia was at least fairly original.

Adapted from a 2007 Filipino film of the same name, this is what UK cinemas had to offer on Halloween.

Here's hoping Stiles White's effort will be a triumph rather than tragedy.

Plot details and/or spoilers are sewn up.

Seeking answers from the dead include:

Olivia Cooke - Laine
Daren Kagasoff - Trevor
Bianca A. Santos - Isabelle
Douglas Smith - Pete
Shelley Hennig - Debbie
Lin Shaye - Paulina Zander

Debbie and Laine played with a Ouija board as kids, but years later, Debbie continues to experiment.

The experience leads her to hang about.

Devastated by her passing, Laine persuades those nearest and dearest to establish contact by holding a seance.

Believing it's just for teenage kicks, they agree.

Only Fools episode Sickness and Wealth saw Albert's love interest Elsie Patridge host a seance but a few years earlier, In Sickness & In Health got there first.

Did John Sullivan rip off Johnny Speight's idea?  Who knows?

"As friends we gathered, hearts are true; spirits near, we call to you."

Yes, there's no need to repeat the mantra more than once...

During which, fingers placed on planchette are forced and 'HI FRIEND' is spelled out.

The message follows and freaks the friends out which prompts the game to be replayed.

Did they make contact Debbie?

The board says No. [Cough].

Laine grabs the planchette and observes ghostly apparitions.

Through workmanlike investigation, DZ is Doris Zander - a girl placed in a nuthouse for murdering her mother.

In no particular order, Isabelle, Trevor and Pete are killed at various intervals by the evil that Debbie unwittingly awoke.

After visiting Paulina, she reveals that mother sewed Doris's mush up because spirits were using her as a conduit to communicate.

Locating crumpled corpse, Laine does as she's told and removes those stitches.

This apparently works as daughter's spirit overcomes mother.

Can we all go home now?  Not quite.

Mummy was actually trying to prevent Laine from releasing Doris's spirit.

Yeah, Paulina was a lying bitch.

Laine listens to grandmother as incinerating both board and body to eradicate connection seems like a splendid idea.

Doris attacks sisters Sarah and Laine but thanks to Deb's intervention, this manages to buy enough time so the ritual can be completed.

Arriving home, Laine finds the planchette in her room.

How can you sum this crock of shit up?  Errr...

Unspeakably bad?  Shockingly awful?  Waste of time and money?

Yes, yes and yes.

Disagree?  Then you're off your fucking tree.

It's one of those condemned to background noise if every channel was broken.

Can shocks and jump moments rescue a sunken ship?  Not really.

Bangs bore and predictability soars.

Eyes fill with milky regret and each death is happy to sustain consistent banality.

Lin Shaye will reprise her role in prequel Insidious: Chapter 3 and enjoys an easy payday.

Want my advice?  Great!

Use the Camera Obscura to exorcise spectral animosity in the Project Zero franchise.

Or, watch this and feel nothing - apart from emptiness.

Contains very strong bloody violence and disturbing imagery

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Okay, I've missed Halloween but my own compilation of delirious damnation more then compensates.

Before the bandwagon of video game violence was jumped on, much of what I bring escaped the clutches of requiring BBFC certification.

Of course, it's PEGI nowadays.

Please proceed with caution as this is suitable for adults only.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

We begin with action grandaddy Resident Evil 4 and although littered with 'anything goes' death sequences, many were just set to repeat in different circumstances.

In other words - boring.

Wiping the blood from my brow, presenting the perfect pair.

Dr. Salvador was largely successful in depriving Leon of his head.
In the Japanese version, his chainsaw splits from torso down because any depiction of seppuku is illegal.
If bug-like creature Novistador is given an inch, he'll literally take a mile.
Primal Rage (Arcade)
Success for the God of Hunger is aptly demonstrated.
Splatterhouse 2010 (Various)
The reboot of Namco's notorious horror action classic wasn't well received.

However, this tortured soul deserves a mention.
Dead Space 2 (Various)
Failing 'eye surgery' is eminently avoidable but watching Isaac's gruesome demise at least once is irresistible, right?

Come on, don't bullshit a bullshitter.
Mortal Kombat 9 - (Various)
I'd be here all day displaying what the series has to offer so I've whittled it down to just Shang Tsung's 'Bang Bang' fatality.
This is identical to, but just a gorier alternative of Joker's 'Gunshot', as seen in Mortal Kombat vs. DC. Universe.
Lazy, very lazy...
He's got the look of somebody.  Don't tell me...

Oh yeah, I've got IT!


Talk about taking the Pennywise.

Let's pretend we've managed to complete P.T. (Playable Teaser), without succumbing to violent episodes of sheer terror.

The sight of fetus and the sound of baby crying is the least of your worries...
For about 20 relentless minutes (or however long it takes to get the fuck out of dodge), environmental changes and general unpleasantness emotionally imbalance your soul.

Until the purgatory of a terrifying hallway is negotiated, we remain oblivious to the fact we're playing Silent Hills on PS4.

I'm actor Norman Reedus and congratulations, you've just shit your pants.
It's rather like Dark Escape 4D, first-hand experience is paramount.

Sticking fast with the fog engulfed and nightmarish landscape of broken locks.

Dr Fitch in Homecoming.
Having left The Room, Eileen keeps a watchful eye on Henry Townsend.
The once pretty nurse Lisa Garland leaks the red stuff from every orifice in the frustrating and flawed PS1 original. 
In the third instalment (but direct sequel to the first), Heather vomits the deity in fetus form which Claudia ingests and dies.
However, the playable sequence that made me cringe is when 'memory of Alessa' (who later becomes a boss), mimics Heather's every movement as the room begins streaming blood.


Will another outing appear on the silver screen?

Probably not, but like 28 Months Later - I live in hope.

Now for some good old-fashioned gore.

BloodStorm (Arcade)
Bushido Blade (PS1)
Ninja Masters (Neo Geo)
Samurai Shodown IV (Neo Geo)
Snatcher (Mega CD)
Immediately disowning biological disaster The Orn Emperor at birth from Thunderforce VI is a foregone conclusion.


This projectile is used against the player by a boss in Beast Busters: Second Nightmare on SNK's Hyper Neo Geo 64.


Scary, yes?

Listen guys, you can all just Go To Hell.




Followed by Soft & Cuddly.


Acts of torture may look primitive and inoffensive now but when Spectrum ruled supreme, it was anything but.

C64 classic Beyond the Forbidden Forest made its death sequences all the more unsettling because of the scrambled audio that accompanied.



Not bad for 1985.

This is how the original Doom rewarded the persistent.

What the fuck did this animal do to deserve such a horrific demise?
Obviously something pretty bad.
Take a look at this image from Akumajo Dracula on X68000.


This first came in 1993 and served as a remake to the 1986 original, unsurprisingly benefiting from graphical and sound enhancements.

Later released on PS1 in 2001, Castlevania Chronicles featured the untouched remake and an 'arranged' version with superficial design changes.

Anyway, body parts bathing in and protruding from a giant mirror is pretty sick.

Turning horror up to eleven.

Condemned: Criminal Origins (360)
Clive Barker's Jericho (Various)
Laser Ghost (Arcade)
Last Alert (PC Engine CD)
Presumably depicting Jesus Christ, a skeleton wearing a crown of thorns is just asking for trouble.

Look at what the newspaper dragged in.


Yes, Paperboy 64 doesn't read well.

I mean come on.  He should not, I repeat not be depicted as Satan's deformed offspring.

What the FUCK?

Rocking chair and candlelit sacrifice form part of adventures inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

Darkness Within: In Pursuit of Loath Nolder (PC)
Henry's dead wife in Darkness Within 2: The Dark Lineage (PC)
Ethan observing a mutilated corpse in Condemned 2: Bloodshot (Various)
Upon closer examination, the entire sternum has been extracted...
Coming before Loath Nolder, 1995 point and click The Dark Eye wouldn't be possible without Edgar Allen Poe.



This portrait from Amnesia: Dark Descent tops the lot, or does it?


Not quite, as that accolade belongs to Clive Barker's Undying.


These beaten portraits from Bison and Zangief (as seen in the arcade of Super and/or Super Street Fighter II Turbo), display bleeding eyes and twisted agony.


Censored yes, but the feel is somewhat retained in the tepid SNES port of Super.
Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of Flesh lives and breathes the epitome of controversy.

Here are some light-hearted examples.




Back in the late 80s and early 90s, us men remember Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) for her remarkable pair of assets.

Following on from their own Personal Nightmare, Horrorsoft continued events from the 1988 film of the same name - Mistress of the Dark.

Here are a couple of ways of how one can go the same way as the dodo.



The Jaws of Cerebus didn't hold back.



The sight of boobylicious beauty can only be good but...
...demonic transformation kills any activity in the trouser department.
Elvira: The Arcade Game was a forgettable platform adventure and despite title, was never an arcade game to begin with.

Waxworks concludes gratuitous gore.


Well don't just stand there - give the woman a hand.








Don't have nightmares...

R-Type: Penultimate Bit

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Flash gits may drive E-Type, F-Type or X-Type Jaguars but in 1987, Irem stunned arcade goers as R-Type soon became the most influential shmup series of all time.

Visuals were nothing short of astonishing and bosses dropped jaws.

Due to notorious difficulty level and merciless attack waves, you needed more than the Force to survive.

Even with practice, your ass was usually still grass and supplying the coin slot with countless ‘old’ 10ps was a necessity.

Ah - those were the days…

Such importance deserves my undivided attention so let’s blast off and strike the evil Bydo Empire.

In regards to home domination, only Street Fighter II created a greater noise than the original.

C64, Rainbow Arts 1988

Graphics were handled by eventual Turrican maestros Manfred Trenz and Andreas Escher.

Chris Huelsbeck and some bloke called Ramiro Vaco assisted with useful music.

Despite largely fine visuals (especially bosses), much of what we see flickers and glitches. 

Sluggish gameplay, cut down levels and loading that bores means it’s one to avoid.

‘Realized in only 6 weeks’.

I guess they meant ‘created’, or more appropriately – rushed.

Master System, Compile 1988

While slowdown and flicker is outrageous, they made the best of a limited palette.

Locating a not particularly obvious area on the fourth had you warp to a unique ‘super stage’ populated by weird aliens.

While that’s kind of good, the removal of wave cannon is fucking unforgivable.

Spectrum 48K, Electric Dreams 1988

Considering host machine – simply amazing!

Meaty weapons, chunky sprites and attractive colours had us rubbing our eyes in disbelief.

To add further gloss, sprites are ‘unmasked’ that evades attribute clash.

The frame rate chugs, we hear virtually nothing and much disappears but these shortcomings do not detract from an incredible experience.

It’s a shame 128K didn't materialise as loading would have been definitely lessened.

Grrrr…

Amstrad CPC, Electric Dreams 1988

Very much like the Speccy (as ports often were), but colour scheme offends and moves even slower than what it was based on.

MSX, 1988

Disregarding awful colours, this looked decent but is strangled by spectacularly jerky scrolling.

Amiga, Factor 5 1989

The R-9 and Bydo moved pretty smoothly, but colours are way off the mark and detail lacks clout.

Still, in-game themes are nice but just quite ‘electronic’.

As they always did, the Atari ST was similar, but fell short.

X68000, 1989

Sharp’s monstrous machine is almost perfect in terms of sound and looks, but is hampered by slight discoloration and collision detection issues.

PC Engine, Hudson Soft 1988

It may be military slang but FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recognition), was popularised by Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell) in 1989 action comedy Tango & Cash.

Meet one of those situations…

They simultaneously (or thereabouts), released two hu-cards in Japan, each containing 4 stages - awkwardly titled R-Type I and R-Type II.

I know football is a game of two halves but this is something else.

After completing stage 4, we enter mothership before the mission code is given in order to begin hu-card 2.

With no internet, they had us by the balls.

The title screen of the first states 'R-Type' and similarly, R-Type II declares ‘R-Type Part-2’, so both contradict cover art.

BRILLIANT!

The sixth stage is ‘as you were’, but included a brand new boss that followed after defeating the standard monster.

So then, a single card apparently didn't have enough memory to store all.

You'd think so, but a year later, the Turbo Grafx 16 (American equivalent) was host to a solitary card, appropriately called R-Type.

That makes no fucking sense, none whatsoever.

If any asshole has the balls to say that’s anything other than Dobkeratops dung, come find me and we'll ‘discuss’ it.

The port itself is famously superb as apart from a drop in resolution and tinny music, visuals are arcade perfect with arguably more vibrant colours.

PC Engine GT/Turbo Express, 1988/1989

Exactly the same, just on a 'smaller' scale.

For those who don’t know, ‘GT’ stands for Game Tank and was the first handheld to be identical to its CRT hogging counterpart.

Boasting a crystal clear screen, kick-ass 7.16mz processor and true 16 bit graphics, this was the portable system to own.

Unfortunately, sound capacitors dwindled with age and backlit screen was prone to dead pixels.

Powered by 6 AA batteries, play equated to about three hours before giving up the ghost.

Sega's North American rarity Nomad also required half a dozen, but only lasted a paltry hour.

It's therefore amazing that the Neo Geo Pocket Colour gave approximately 40 hours from only two.

PC Engine CD, 1991

Knowing that Hudsonfucked up, Irem stepped in with Japanese exclusive R-Type Complete CD.

Is the title supposed to be some kind of reference or sick in-joke?

Providing you had the Super CD add-on, or owned the all-in-one Duo, you’re cock locked and ready to rock.

Featuring a bunch of unknowns, they added lengthy and fully spoken anime sequences, synonymous with CD based systems.

Apart from original tunes, they gave the choice of marmite sounding arranged music.

Unlike hu-cards, heavy flicker now perversely lingers.

Game Boy/Game Boy Pocket, B.I.T.S 1991

Not to be confused with Micro, the Pocket was a smaller design of the original monochrome monster and two AAA batteries gave about 10 hours play.  For whatever reason, it had a slightly larger screen than the futuristic Game Boy Colour.

We stumble through six, instead of eight stages.

The first three stages are largely as you remember but the fourth, fifth and sixth are slight redesigns of the arcade's sixth, seventh and eighth respectively.

Basically, the fourth and fifth are floating somewhere in space.

Frequent flicker and slowdown unsurpringly hampers, but graphics retain admirable detail.

R-Type II

June 2164.

‘The seed of Bydo’ affair is crushed by the ‘plot type R-9’ group.

Bydo Mission II 2165, confirmation of Bydo’s regeneration received.

Not that anybody cares but this time, an upgraded R-9C is sent to exterminate threat.

Despite upping graphical detail, the 1989 sequel was a disappointment.

Ch-ch-ch-ch changes…

Charging the iconic wave cannon beyond max for a short period results in gauge changing colour, indicating that a new and more powerful ‘bubble’ blast can be unleashed.

The gauge itself has lost weight and stages are downsized to the shmup average of six.

Amiga, Arc Developments 1991

Suffers from lag and visual intensity is omitted, but all stages and charming music compensates.

In comparison, Atari ST owners had a right to be jealous.

Game Boy/Game Boy Pocket, B.I.T.S 1992

Five strikes instead of six and just like before, they got bored after the third.

The fourth and fifth are redesigns of fifth and sixth, with the former having a very slightly altered boss.

So if the arcade's fourth was a personal favourite - tough pap.

Super R-Type, 1991 (SNES)

Meet R-Type II: Gold or R-Type II: Special etc etc.

It’s the same, but less impressive principle of what Capcom did with Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts.

Calling this Ultimate Sloth-Flicker isn't unjust, it’s deserved.

There is simply no fucking excuse of how slowly sprites operate and how often they disappear.

Stages 2, 5 and 7 are exactly per the arcade’s first, fourth and sixth, which leaves a minor head fuck to explain…

1 – expendable new creature polluting the big black. 
3 –  the second stage, but slightly altered boss producing snakes is borrowed from R-Type's second.
4 – based on the third, but two battleships completely dominate until we go inside to destroy a larger engine (lazily lifted from the first).
6 – The other new stage is an altered version of the arcade’s fifth and recycles falling junk (like what must be avoided during R-Type's seventh boss).  Finally, the boss is an inferior cousin of R-Type's fourth.

Got that?  Lovely!

This motor burns classic rubber, but is made unnecessarily frustrating because the twisted fucks thought it would be a giggle to remove restart points.

Yeah, that defies all logic.

Finishing Hard mode unlocks Pro mode which if completed, the masochistic are rewarded with an extra sequence after normal ending.

Compilations

Largely prosaic but nevertheless…

R-Types, 1998 (PS1)

Way overdue yes, but this is the first time arcade perfect ports were made available for home consumption.

CGI and narrative explaining the war against Bydo features a freaky skeletal like pilot.

Leaving the title screen for a short period and against jazzy music, a fancier showcase has the R-9 strutting its stuff with the delusional roar of Dobkeratops bringing proceedings to a close.

Pushing ‘pause’ during gameplay allows ‘vertical hold’ to be adjusted and when beaten, any stage can be replayed.

If the punishment of enemy placement disheartens, exploiting memory card is wholeheartedly recommended.

Let’s cut to the chase, R’s Library Version 1.0 is why this is a must purchase for anoraks.

Genealogy

Here we delve into the ‘R Series ships’ and each 3D model can be freely rotated.

Apart from the R9, earlier models such as R3, R5 and R7 may interest.

If specifying machine specification and history wasn't enough, details on TP (POW Armour), FC (Force), BT (Bit Device) and Parts (information on capable weaponry) should satisfy.

History

From 2043 until 2165, the timeline of spacecraft development project ‘RX-Project’, headed by Dr. Jim Client is displayed in full.

Together with graphical stills, Force development, teething problems of other machines, successes and failures will delight die-hard fans.

Data

It may apply to all but some definitely have alternative names.

For example:

Dobkeratops (Doppelganger)
Sporg (P-Staff)
Ironclaw (Cancer)

Assigning enemies with names like Harsh, Lady, Scant, Rios and especially Pata-Pata, leaves me with this unanswered question.

'WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY SNORTING?'

The creature known as Manth has a gene structure very similar to that of a human being.

Holy shit guys and gals, we’re closely related to a fictitious alien race.

Our lives will never be the same again…

Unless homework was done, Europe was blissfully unaware they cryptically didn't include Library on PAL.

Why?  Who knows?

R-Type DX, 1999 (Game Boy Colour)

Tetris and Link’s Awakening were others to be given a Deluxe makeover.

Switching systems, Sonic Adventure DX: Director’s Cut was a Gamecube enhanced version of the Dreamcast original.

(Ahem), moving on.

Nobody can argue this is five Arrowheads housed within a single gamepak, but...

Playing the untouched originals is pointless but choosing 'third' and 'fourth' adds up to 56 colours and improves background detail.  

That just leaves DX and I quote:

‘The two R-Types combined to form the ultimate R-Type challenge!!’

Ha ha ha!

Combining colours 3 and 4 as one long game curdles my cream.

What a fucking con.

R-Type Dimensions, 2009 (Xbox Live/PSN)

On the surface, this is R-Types, but Tozai Games quickly reveal a HD revamp.

Nostalgic eye candy is given a superb overhaul as mostly gorgeous colours and new lighting effects shouldn't stun, but make the current generation smile.

Oh yeah, there’s also co-op play.

Whilst indulging in technological advancement, 'tilting' at will transfers action to 3D.

It looks a little weird at first, but eyes soon adjust.

Miscellany

Taking a slight detour, Ninja Spirit, Dragon Breed, Undercover Cops, Mr. Heli, In the Hunt, Gunforce and Blade Master all deserve their place in arcade folklore.

If it wasn’t for Kung-Fu Master, the majority of beat ‘em ups wouldn’t exist.

Obscurity Hammerin’ Harry and wonderful action fighting hybrid Ninja Baseball Bat Man succeeds as having the best video game title ever.

Let’s remind ourselves of what the masters sandwiched around their stellar universe.

X-Multiply came around the same time as R-Type II but boasted darker subject matter, as scientists deploy the x-002 fighter inside a living human host to destroy parasitic filth.

Flexible tentacles replace Force device which was later stolen by Konami’s still stunning looking Xexex.

Along with Image Fight, this was belatedly released on a single disc for Japanese audiences on PS1 and Saturn in 1998.

Slapped with a cyberpunk Akira and/or Blade Runner-esque theme, Armed Police Unit Gallop, or Cosmic Cop, initially baffled in 1991 as this 'part of universe' effort adopted a zero tolerance approach towards ‘mad cars’ in each zone.

Via a gauge that gradually empties, enemies can be locked on with laser stream.  This gradually tops up when unused but power ups encourage a quicker refill.

Your actual sprite is perhaps a tad too large and shat straight from the Bydo.

There is ubiquitous detail but backgrounds are desperately drab.

Short, and not particularly sweet.

Pulstar, Aicom 1995 (Neo Geo)

Extravagant tribute or incredible rip off?

Developer’s origins remain mysterious as only theories exist.

Logic suggests that like Nazca, Aicom was founded by a bunch of disgruntled and frustrated Irem employees.

'Unofficial', but accepted 1998 follow-up Blazing Star was released under their new guise of Yumekobo.  A year later, they unexpectedly excavated SNK's 1989 dinosaur popcorn Prehistoric Isle in 1930.

Having previously dived deep, I’m only wading in the shallow end.

Mind blowing rendered graphics dominate eight superb stages and attack waves can be even crueller than R-Type guarantees obligatory persistence.

Buying the more affordable CD version sees each stage introduced with blink and you'll miss them CG.

For all its undeniable brilliance, heavy slowdown and being able to cheaply 'nuke' bosses afforded by discarding Force means it’s far from perfect.

If you can find a way of cheating, without cheating, that's a terrible oversight.

Still, what a spectacle.

R-Type Leo, 1992

“3, 2, 1 – Let’s go!”

Never released outside of arcade and discounting Dimensions, it's the only R-Type to offer 2P simultaneous play.

Bastard child is different for numerous reasons.

Instead of Force and wave cannon, weapon crystals give a hybrid of two bits without bobs.

These chaps absorb most bullets, can shoot forwards or backwards, but behaving as a homing bomb thing is primary function.

New types of missiles and laser assist further in obliterating intergalactic ass.

Another first is that stages now have titles and battleship, what battleship?

Simply blasphemous.

Its six levels are generously spacious and attack patterns forgive with interest.

Visuals bask in relative opulence, but music unnaturally disturbs with a compendium of cheery and out of place compositions.

Bosses are best described as a genuine mix of sterling detail and abject failure.

It’s not bad, good even, but is easily dissociated from franchise.

This came out after Last Resort, so is it a mild coincidence that co-op play was introduced and even how bits behave?

In SNK’s game, you only got a single pod that doesn't home in, but can be shot off in whichever direction.

There’s even some questionable enemy design steals too.

Top secret report!  (Shsssh – don’t tell anybody).

The idea was to build a quasi-mechanical earth by using a bionic computer called the ‘Major’.  The project dubbed ‘paradise plan’, hoped to colonise and create a new world.

This ended in failure because of a Major malfunction.

Paradise Plan became part of history and was destroyed by the latest technological weapon known as ‘Leo’.

Next time, the saga concludes with the rest.

Horrible Bosses 2 - The scoop and digest

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Less Colin Farrell of course, Sean Anders reunites an ensemble cast and hopes to build on Seth Gordon's largely entertaining 2011 original.

Plot details and/or spoilers are held to ransom.

Fools and tools include:

Jason Bateman - Nick
Charlie Day - Dale
Jason Sudeikis - Kurt
Chris Pine - Rex
Jennifer Aniston - Dr. Julia Harris
Jamie Foxx - Motherfucker Jones
Chritoph Waltz - Burt
Kevin Spacey - Dave

Dale, Nick and Kurt struggle to market the Shower Buddy, until mega rich father and son Burt and Rex Hanson agree to invest in their business venture, providing 100,000 units are manufactured.

Predictably, things go tits up and they're left with a massive debt to contend with.

After deciding to kidnap Rex, they visit Jones who advises it is best to have the kidnapped take a little trip to dozy land.

Aside from chloroform, what's the best way to force forty winks?

Watch a boring film?  Suffer the incoherent ramblings of an uncharismatic lecturer?

Yes and no, but gas always does the trick, which they steal from Julia's place of employment.

Nick gives the sex-addicted, naughty nymph what she craves and they escape with a tank of nitrous oxide.

At Rex's house, the idiots accidentally put themselves under...

They find Rex hiding in their boot and informs staging his own kidnapping is an ideal way to screw his father out of millions, hence why he personally increased the group's original ransom demand of half a million to five.

Burt involves the police and realising that money is more important than offspring, Rex breaks down quicker than a hammer to glass.

Taking pity on him, they form an unlikely alliance and assist Rex in the farce.

At the ransom drop, Rex shoots his father dead and double-crosses the gang so he can inherit the family fortune.

Motherfucker arrives and planning to claim the fortune for himself, rescues them from imminent arrest.

He drives them back to the warehouse and makes off with the money, where the gang find Rex all tied up.

Just as the police are about to arrest the gang, Rex's mobile goes off and the ringtone is recognised to be the same as the one left to Burt by the kidnappers.

Rex takes police chief Hatcher hostage and before the desperate is subdued, Dale takes a bullet.

In the aftermath, Dale recuperates in hospital and the police agree to drop all charges.  Julia and Dale's wife Stacy make peace but the Doc worries Dale as she intends to make a lesbian out of her.

Dave subsequently purchases the Shower Buddy business and Motherfucker uses his recently acquired windfall to invest in Pinkberry.

Ahead of credit roll, an outtakes reel is always worth sticking around for.

Sudeikis enjoyed greater success when given a Hall Pass with Owen Wilson and declaring We're The Millers, alongside Aniston as a stripper.

It starts promising enough but gags run out of steam.

Unlike Katy Perry's ringtone, nothing should make one roar with laughter.

Let's just say Ruthless People went about its business in a far more professional manner.

The leads carry on where they left off but Aniston, Spacey and Foxx are only here because they have to be.

Still, Pine impresses with a strong and quirky performance.

If the third comes to fruition, role reversal is the obvious progression but if not, we'll get over it.

The Pyramid - The scoop and digest

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How in Giza was the Great Pyramid built?

Regardless of theory, nobody knows.

Clutching at canopic jars, I'd suggest those who somehow moved unfathomable weight didn't possess brutish strength, but just adopted construction techniques beyond scientific explanation.

Released by Fantasy Software in 1983, there was a Spectrum puzzle-cum-shmup bearing the same title, with the C64 game coming in 1984.

For reasons unknown, a dude in a submersible is tasked to find a way out of dodge.

An endless stream of bizarre enemy types are out to halt progress and in order to exit each screen, bombing a barrier by collecting colour-changing diamond is how one gets out.

Choice of exit determines your next 'chamber' and from apex, the only way is down.

Getting that off my retro chest...

Produced by Alexandre Aja and directed by collaborator Grégory Levasseur, a found footage horror of sorts endeavours to emulate all that came before.

Plot details and/or spoilers will be excavated.

Keeping things not under wraps include:

Ashley Hinshaw - Nora
Denis O'Hare - Holden
James Buckley - Fitzie
Christa Nicola - Sunni
Amir K - Michael Zahir

In 2013, a team of American archaeologists discover a lost pyramid buried in Cairo for x amount of years.

Along for the ride are experts father and daughter Holden and Nora, cameraman Fitzie (or Fitz), robotics geezer Michael and journalist Sunni.

Hi-tech robot Shorty takes a peek but 'something' shuts visuals down.

Once the gang are inside, bearings are soon lost.

After floor collapses, Sunni climbs a shaft but is attacked by an unknown creature.

They try to run, fail to hide, but do break on through to other side.

It turns out these animals are scrawny cat sphynxs and main monster is Anubis.

Michael is killed off screen, (presumably by the devourer of impure souls) while Sunni reacts badly to spikes.

The survivors find a burial chamber and ceiling reveals the star that shines brightest paves the way to freedom.

Holden's heart is taken and because beating organ fails to restore balance to the scales, yummy yummy for Anubis's tummy.

Fitzie and Nora ascend a ladder but our baddie is hot on their heels...

She gets a little tied up and Fitzie's face is crushed like an insect.

Releasing herself with a convenient cutting tool, cats climb on his back and attack.

Well open my sarchophagus, I remember something like that happening in Jurassic Park when the last Raptor foolishly tries its luck against the T-Rex...

Anubis puts a downer on Nora's escape and finally us out of our misery.

Congratulations Mr Levasseur, your film has achieved the astonishing feat of being even worse than As Above, So Below.

Apart from a fairly well done three-sided and fictitious environment, hieroglyphs conclude there is nothing; truly less than nothing to recommend climbing this mountain of FUCKING misery.

The script is impossibly amateurish, CGI makes Mega Shark, Sharknado et al seem big budget and why does it take so bastard long for Anubis to rip Nora's heart out, as the same courtesy isn't extended to anybody else?

Inept cliche at its deplorable best.

Robbie Coltrane's sharp drinking, chain smoking, gambling washout Dr. Edward Fitzgerald in Jimmy McGovern's Cracker detests anything other than 'Fitz' and because the bearded Jay can have identical nickname and/or variation - a very strange coincidence exists.

Something I prefer to forget is Fitz was the American adaptation of Cracker.

Clunge seeking sex pest does his best, but ultimately gives a useless performance.  Denis O'Hare of American Horror Story and True Blood fame is disappointing and the others unfortunately take too long to die.

"Terrifying - you'll want your mummy."

Oh sorry, I'm just predicting what some asshole will state on cover art next year.

They say a worthless artefact may become priceless in the years to come but expecting this to follow suit is delusional optimism.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies - The scoop and digest

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Originally subbed There and Back Again, buckle up and ride with me for the last time.

Plot details and/or spoilers will engage in combat.

Middle-earth ends for:

Martin Freeman - Bilbo
Ian McKellan - Gandalf
Richard Armitage - Thorin
Orlando Bloom - Legolas
Bard - Luke Evans
Manu Bennett - Azog
John Tui - Bolg
Saruman - Christopher Lee

Still pissed at taking a golden shower, Smaug sets about decimating Laketown until Bard poops on his party when handed the Black Arrow by son Bain.

It seems Phil 'The Power' Taylor may have some competition as he cornily scores a direct hit.

A dragon slayer is born.

In the aftermath of the town's destruction, the survivors set up shop in Dale.

While searching tirelessly for the fabled Arkenstone inside the Lonely Mountain, Thorin has contracted 'dragon sickness' because Smaug brooding over Erebor's gold has brought a curse.

Why is everybody else immune?

Err.

At Dol Guldur, Galadriel and Saruman help defeat several Nazgul and rescue a weakened Gandalf.  Principal bad boy Sauron appears to tempt Galadriel but she casts him out from whence he came.

Orc head honcho Azog is planning an imminent assault on Erebor and sends his son Bolg to ambush elsewhere.

Even though Bilbo has already handed over the Arkenstone to the elf contingent so Thorin can be appeased, the stubborn sod's having none of it.

Cousin Dain Ironfoot II arrives with his crew of armoured dwarves to give these bastards a hammerin'.

War beasts (trolls with on-board weaponry) are summoned to assist in the Orc rampage.

During all that jazz, Legolas and Thorin resume unfinished business with Bolg and Azog respectively.

Legolas takes care of son but due to the sheer weight of his rock and chain weapon, Azog goes under ice.  However, he drags himself up and gleefully stabs Thorin with makeshift arm but crucially, our baddie gets the point even more...

Before succumbing to his wound, he and Bilbo make amends.

Hairy foot bids farewell to Thorin's remainder and heads back to the Shire with Gandalf.

Upon return, his estate has been sold off.

111 years hence, his older self welcomes a visit from an old friend.

Overall, a fairly satisfying conclusion to a mediocre trilogy.

We never wanted a very short book to be stretched over three films and compressing all into a single epic would have definitely sufficed.

Speaking on behalf of hundreds and thousands, I'm relieved it's over.

My first complaint is the death of Smaug.  Yeah I know it's inevitable, but to paraphrase a John Lennon song, give dragon a chance.

Did Benedict Cumberbatch care?  No.  This is easy money.

Dwarves were labelled 'scum' and 'filth' in the first and second respectively but this time, Orcs keep derogatory remarks to themselves as the insult baton is handed to their enemy.

There isn't much plot, script can be awful and those supporting the main course cannot act for toffee.

Two sequences deliver knockout referencing blows.

At some point, Legolas assumes control of a war beast and I swear Peter Jackson has played God of War and the only thing missing was executing button and analogue stick prompts.

When Azog goes under the ice, Renny Harlin's Cliffhanger jumps instantly to mind.

The scene in question is when mountain ranger Gabe Walker (Stallone) gets the better of Rex Linn's crooked federal agent Travers who takes a swim to Arizona.

There's only one more avenue to go down but obtaining rights for The Silmarillion is a billion miles away.

If it does become a reality, five chapters surely means five films.

Please God no!

Season's greetings and until next year folks.

Film poster Deja vu

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Happy New Year!

To kick off proceedings, I explore how using promotional material ahead of cinema release is later ripped off.

Or more appropriately - raped.





The awful Carrie reboot sounds nothing like a preview for Breaking Bad.


'You will know her name' and 'Remember my name'.  Hmmm.





However, my two favourites were both released in 1980 but...


...Friday the 13th came first.

Okay boys and girls, now I've warmed up.

Out of the Furnace vs The Town



Ghosts of Girlfriends Past vs Pretty Woman


22 Jump Street vs Hot Fuzz


Coriolanus vs A Bronx Tale


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs C.H.U.D.


Safe Haven vs The Notebook


Endless Love vs P.S. I Love You


Fifty Shades of Grey vs Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues


I Spit on Your Grave (2010) vs The Burning


Child's Play 2 also deserves a mention.


Over the Top vs Every Which Way But Loose


The Woman In Black vs Stir of Echoes


The Hills Have Eyes (2006) vs Unleashed


Fright Night (2011) vs No Country For Old Men


X: Night of Vengeance vs Secretary


V/H/S vs Visiting Hours (or forgotten 1982 slasher film)


The Ruins vs Hostel


Finally, please stretch imagination muscles to appreciate something completely bizarre.

Love, Rosie vs The Last Exorcism Part II


Rosie turning contortionist to mimic her possessed counterpart, who of course is supposed to represent the number 2?

Coincidence?  Err.

Video games Lost in Translation - Crumpet

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No screeming at moniter or similar electronic hardware bursting with power because life is hoppy to hang brighter than new burn star drunk in blanket of dark knight.

Yesterday's future today so process objetive without fainting.

Commando (Arcade)

Congratulation, your first duty finished and on this evidence, the second duty is likely to go the same way.
Several duties later, your finished and on behalf of the entire platoon - thank Christ.
Over to the NES port.

To Your or not to 'You're'?  That is the question.
Art of Fighting (Neo Geo)
This information is dogshit, missing a capital 'D'. 
Cabal (Arcade)
They attempted to court-martial this guy for not returning to headquaters to begin another mission but the case was thrown out when the CPS realised the bastard place didn't exist.

The Office of the Commander was subsequently abolished.
Labyrinth (Apple II)

You remind me of the babe. What babe? Babe with the power? What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Before Maniac Mansion et al, Lucasfilm took an alternative view of Jim Henson's 1986 classic fantasy by retaining the film's principle and chars (less Sarah and Toby), but had Jareth challenging a cinema-going boy to escape his labyrinth.

Anyway, take a look at each of these screens.





Get the picture?

A?  Exactly.  It's almost like it was done on purpose.

Here's the arguably better looking C64 game that doesn't have 'weoknesses'.


The MSX2 version by Pack-In-Video modelled itself on Lucasfilm's effort with a different visual style and the Famicom game was basically a Zelda clone.

Spinal Breakers (Arcade)

Figthing would have me feeling knackered too.
Come on then, what's so dreadful about the Hildroids?
Oh yeah, some bilge about missile bases and 'the yeare ago.'
Bonze Adventure (Arcade)

For those who have visited a dilapidated cemetry (backyard or otherwise), cease drinking curry flavoured diesel.
This ending spiel was doing so well until it became 'devine'
I wonder if Creamy Tetsu (laughs) was responsible for typing 'creater'?
Or maybe it was his learned friend, Crazy-assed motherfucker Yoshikawa. 
Athena (Arcade)

'Why don't you join me again?'
What, and partake in another dranatic adventure?
Thanks, but no thanks.
Take that congraturation and stick it right up your King of Fighters shining crystal bit.
Metal Stoker (PC Engine)

I taked a vacation and nobody never dared fuck with me again.
Next to be continued ..
Err, was this supposed be some kind of sequel threat?
Double Dragon (Arcade)
All that violence must have corrupted progrmmers and animeter but designer and music somehow escaped without a scratch.
Unbelievable.
Ghostbusters (NES)
This prooves why the justice system is more fucked than offering conglaturation at an awards ceremony.
SD Fighter (Arcade)
They made an excutive mistake.
Bucky 'O Hare (NES)
Oh no, we've been atacked and guess what, even the righteous don't care.
Shadow Force (Arcade)

The text is small but amusing goofs are far larger.
Kai is a kombo stick wheeling descendant of Iga ninja.
Why is the 'i' in wheeling the only letter to be in lower case?  In fact, it's the only letter on the entire screen to be in lower case.  AMAZING!
What is a 'kombo' stick and was wheeling meant to be 'wielding'?
Tengu is described as a 'cybog' and not a cyborg.
In regards to Coyote, 'due to reconstructive surgery by teser'.
I can't begin to imagine what a 'teser' is and more to the point - what the FUCK?
Blunet is 'the only femaie worrior. Uses tro swords as her weapon'
Come on, you're laughing, right?
The enemy's building at the construction site was completed on schedule because nobody was prepared to destory it. 
Bionic Commando (Arcade)

Mission acomplished.
They rebuiled the world to maintain peace.
Instead, it fell apart and never recovered.
The Ninja Kids (Arcade)

Valid variations of 'fly' are flew and flown.
'Flied', as in a 'fly ball' is a baseball term, but this ain't silly boys rounders...
People call them as "NINJA KIDS" makes about as much sense as manufacturing sausage rolls in a cream cake factory.
Announcing the resurrection of 'the' Satan is soon obviously excites these Ku Klux Klan wannabes but what about the giant gaffe they're about to reveal?
I'd pronounce 'ckeck' as 'queck', or bollocks.
Riot Zone (PC Engine)
To answer his question.

"Jammed up your ass with a rusty nail."
Golden Axe (PC Engine)
I swown to get even with Death equals Adder, in this life or the next.
Incidentally, the arcade original did get it right.


The 1989 Master System port focused only on Tarik (previously only known as Ax Battler).


For some reason, Sega applied a number of differences.

1. The map is no longer owned by 'Sega'
2. Dialogue is altered
3. They recoloured the arrow; and
4. Reinvented villain as Death minus Adder

Why? Why? Why?

Cyber-Lip (Neo Geo)
I wasn't insane, but now I'm insain.
Every cloud and all that.
Arnie 2 (C64)
'Retrieve' is one of those words that insists on the 'i before the e, except after c' rule and saying the writers of this piss poor sequel had their minds on other things is no excuse.
The Fairyland Story (Arcade)

I wonder how long... it took them to fuck up?
Answer: This journey in the castle.
I'm sure we'll get over it.
Cross Wiber Cyber Combat Police (PC Engine)
Thanks to Cross Wiber's well armed, well organized top special inspecter Cross Wiber interfering, things didn't go as planed for
Doma.
Actually, he failed because his beast troops weren't deproyed quickly enough.
Ninja Masters (Neo Geo)
In case you didn't know, pressing B & C 'button' simultaneousty to draw a weapon is a fantastic way to unwind.
Avengers (Arcade)
Congragarations!
You've just found the ideal excuse to neck a bottle of vodka.
Akira (Amiga)
Some things are best left burried, like this game for instance.
Billy Bong (Spectrum)
If it's all the same with you, I'd prefer to choose a letter.
Continental Circus (Arcade)
Sharing a moment like this is something I'll never forget.
Placing hand on still beating heart - I give spacial thanks.
Ninja Warriors (Arcade)
You say want a revorution, well you know, and everything became to an end.
If Lennon/McCartney had penned these lyrics, it would be considered genius.
Savage Reign (Neo Geo)
Suck my duck and fun tou foul funster!
Sengoku (Neo Geo)
I've heard of playing to the crowd but this is ridiculous.
Present also needed my mate 'ed' but he was sick, rather like SNK.  
Space Gun (Arcade)
Should we give ourselves up because some space shuttle was destoroyed?
Hell no, I don't eat shit for nobody.
Thunder Cross (Arcade)
Completely crushing the evil forces of the Black 'Inpulse' may be a relief but the menacing threat to mankind had been aferted is surely a greater concern.
Conpragudations%

Thanks to your bravery, the purple-faced burp bottom monster/ was devastrated and planet can rest angrily.

However, the forses of evil are bound to rose again so be sure to stay fit and alert.

Gratitude extinded to playing time.

Street Fighter II - Gratuitous Gaffes

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Aside from gameplay flowing more gracefully than a mountain stream, Capcom's ground-breaking franchise serves a feast of fabulous foul ups that cannot be fully appreciated - until now.

If you guys think I'm going through the banality of typing 'Street Fighter' x amount of times, you're having a shoryuken.

Instead - please observe definition.

TWW - The World Warrior
CE - Champion Edition
HF - Hyper Fighting
TNC - The New Challengers
SSF2TR - Super Street Fighter II: Turbo Revival
SSF2THDR - Super Street Fighter II Turbo: HD Remix

Mentioning normal Super Turbo and Hyper is pointless.

Although I'm picking on a select few, systems such as Mega Drive and PC Engine were all guilty of the same shit.

Unless stated in description, presume all visuals are from insert coin.

Video games without title screens is like Riggs without Murtaugh, salt missing pepper etc etc.

So what better place to begin?


Er, when did Street Fighter II burst onto CRT monitors again?  My mind's gone to shit.

Well they erm, 'forgot' and didn't remember until the SNES port.


Oh yeah, Judgment Day.

Street Fighter Collection 2 (PS1/Saturn)
Etc etc.

Capcom handled the notorious Amiga version in 1992.


No they didn't, as U.S. Gold spread copious amounts of muck.

Year would only be correct if talking about CE or HF, but as neither made it...

Wait a minute, what the @ is that?  I mean come on, it's definitely not ©.

If original developer had jack shit to do home version, don't make out they did.

It's not fucking rocket science.

Takara and Fatal Fury Special on SNES shows how it's supposed to be done.


Easy peasy mistake free squeezy.

Also, Ken got stoned one night, dumped Eliza and married some demented freak called er, Lisa.


Ha ha ha!

Getting back to my point, CE came good.


I'm ready man, ready to get it on.

Continuity errors are rife in films but in pixels?

Have a butchers at spinning bird chick in her original iteration.


Whoever would expect to fight her in orange but no...


Beat her and she's back to 'normal'.


They put things right on SNES.


This was also fixed in CE.


Up steps Zangief, aka the Red Cyclone.

Vest on.


Vest off.


Vest on.


What the fuck happened here?

When first introduced in Alpha 2, he lost the vest and pre-match animation involved wearing, then discarding a new fashion accessory.


Maybe some kind of cute reference or in-joke?

Or was he inspired by Bison?


Yeah, I do go deep.

In 2008, Backbone Entertainment gave SSF2T a HD Remix for PSN and Xbox Live.

His vest wasn't given chance to cause any problems.


Fair enough.

Mike Tyson had various nicknames such as self-proclaimed Baddest Man on the Planet, Iron Mike and Balrog (or M. Bison if you're Japanese).

Portrait bio.

Hair - Dark (starfish cut) with I suppose grey highlights.
Kit - Long sleeved white jumper.
Dislikes - Boxing gloves.


Sprite bio.

Hair - Brown (designer shy crew cut).
Kit - Tatty blue and white shirt.
Dislikes - Bare fists.


Can anybody explain the not so brutal boxer's now toothless grimace?


Didn't think so.

Taken from CE, but also appearing in TWW and HF, his winning quote made no bastard sense.


"My fists have your blood of them."

It took until TNC for portrait to be brought more consistent with sprite.


Giving credit where it's due, compare his victory poses to CE/HF for a marked improvement.


Perfect!

Sorry (laughs).

They also rectified their own mistake.


Even so, I have a question.

How can you get blood on your 'fists' if you're wearing gloves?

Hmmm.

Next it's Shadaloo kingpin Bison.

Are those red eyes? Is he supposed to be the devil?



Look at the colour of his cap bill and cape should be red but...

A quick paint job later on SNES and hey presto.


His cape is still grey rather than blue and star appears to have changed to crime organisation symbol.

Okay, whatever.

As per Chunners, it was corrected in CE.


Again, the same goof with cape.

Switching to the first Turbo-charged update on SNES, they opted for consistency.


About his comfort blanket, it's still a grey day.

In TNC, his chin is basically a pair of shaved bollocks, right?

Well not anymore...


Briefly travelling to Mexico.


Thunder Hawk seems to have poured a tin of black paint over bad barnet.

It would be more difficult not to notice.

Vega disgusts more than delights.

Here's either/or colour from CE.


Finishing with any boss char rewards with a screen goofier than Duane Dibbley.


During dialogue, he even boasts about stroking his long 'blond' hair and yeah, he's acquired a 'pinkish' drape.

Balrog 'melts' with excitement and Bison with those eyes (again), emitting a hue of orange and red just compounds the situation.

Accepting that removing mask is just for effect in TNC is fine but...


...that shining silver claw is causing a right tanning problem.

The third update actually gave bosses their own endings and jumping to screen omitted from SNES/Mega Drive port reveals a big boo boo.


Yep.  He's blond and green, then missing green glove, matador reverts back to brown.

What a shame The Man with the Golden Claw wasn't a famous James Bond adventure.

The fun continues in SSF2TR on GBA.



White on Blonde is an album from Texas but Beige on Blond Bio Organic Weapon doesn't have the same ring to it.

Back with SSF2THDR and hair we go again.


Godammit man.

Considering he's totally custard flavoured in Alpha 3, adding a touch of mud to sprite didn't help.


 That's all for now but sit tight for the grand finale.

Ex Machina - The scoop and digest

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Its title derives from the Latin phrase 'Deus Ex-Machina', literally 'God from the Machine'.

Beginning in 2000, the multi-genred and cyberpunk themed Deus Ex franchise enjoyed critical acclaim.

Die-hard Spectrum heads should hang their heads in shame if they don't remember Mel Croucher's arthouse game of the same title from 1984.

To really blow minds, the phrase is also displayed after completing Jaleco's rubbish 1991 Final Fight clone 64th Street: A Detective's Story.

Regardless of interpretation, sci-fi is a concept more flexible than a garden hose and consequently, my cinematic duck of 2015 is broken.

Plot details and/or spoilers will unpack data.

Doing their bit, for science:

Domhnall Gleeson - Caleb
Oscar Isaac - Nathan
Alicia Vikander - Ava

After winning a competition set by BlueBook big cheese Nathan, hotshot coder Caleb trips off to conduct a series of 'turing tests' on his employer's latest experiment.

Their relationship is intially awkward but alcohol soon thaws the ice...

It isn't long before we meet sexy fembot Ava and so begins quid pro quo.

Via CCTV, Nathan is able to keep a watchful eye on Ava but power cuts temporarily make him blind.

He believes it is the fault of installation but we and Ava know better.

As each 'session' falls by the wayside, Caleb becomes attracted to artificial intelligence and wonders if forming a relationship wouldn't be so bad.

Mute housemaid Kyoko wanders zombie-like and is harshly treated by Nathan.

Ava dresses up for Caleb which leads him to believe that Nathan purposely programmed her to flirt.

The consequences of Ava failing the test will result in Nathan erasing memory, effectively killing her.

One night, Nathan gets mind-meltingly pariletic and Caleb 'borrows' his key card to access a previously restricted area.

Deactivated robots hang inside numerous closets in Nathan's bedroom and peeling back face, a naked Kyoko reveals she is also AI.

At some point, Nathan is seen getting very intimate with Kyoko...

During another forced blackout, Caleb informs Ava that Nathan plans to reset and effectively kill her so it's agreed that getting Nathan drunk (again), stealing key card and reprogramming facility to open every door is an award winning escape plan.

The following morning, Caleb attempts to instigate another drinking binge but Nathan is conveniently now on the wagon and isn't in any mood to fall off it.

Nathan revels in revealing he surreptitiously hid a battery operated camera, and is more than aware of Caleb's dastardly plan.

Ava was using him and he was the test all along.

When Caleb gloats about already rerouting the door system ahead of time, Nathan knocks him sparko.

Acting as a pseudo tag team, Kyoko and Ava turn on creator by stabbing him in the back and front respectively.  Kyoko is killed in the process, Ava loses arm rather than leg and Nathan succumbs to his wounds, reflecting on astonishing irony.

Ava plunders pieces of inoperative AI to pronounce herself human but leaves Caleb for dead.

The helicopter takes her into human society to adapt and presumably lead a normal life.

Surrounded by dense forest and raging waterfalls, Alex Garland's directorial debut is a well written, hugely enjoyable piece of celluloid.

Many will cite Spielberg's A.I. as direct influence but I completely disagree.

While Gleeson and Vikander are interesting in contrasting roles, Oscar Isaac steals the show as eccentric genius.

It's morally incorrect to fancy robots, right?

Well considering how stunning Ava looks, opinon may not be so clear cut...

    Street Fighter II - Calamitous Cock-ups

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    If the former was largely about continuity, witness the breast of the rest and no bra can handle the boobs Capcom made.

    Unless stated, all screens are from the arcade.

    Once again, here comes a definition!

    TWW - The World Warrior
    CE - Champion Edition
    HF - Hyper Fighting
    TNC - The New Challengers
    SSF2TR - Super Street Fighter II: Turbo Revival
    SSF2THDR - Super Street Fighter II Turbo: HD Remix

    Ryu and Hyper Fighting's arcade flyer is engulfed in fire.


    Why is he so hot?  I deduce it had something to do with Dhalsim...

    Ken defeated in TNC brings a tear (of laughter) to my eye.


    Red blood is obviously boring.  Is he now some kind of fucking alien?

    Hyper Street Fighter II: The Anniversary Edition (not to be confused with The Anniversary Collection in 2004), was brought to commemorative the franchise's fifteenth year.


    Appropriately, the writing is stylised on Street Fighter and not SF II.


    Before officially becoming the final arcade update in 2004, it was originally released on PS2 in 2003.


    With or without a calculator aha - this is ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS!

    The original abomination offended amusement centres in 1987 so unless I'm tripping my fucking tits off, this should have come out in 2002.

    No entity has the power to alter history, not even Capcom.

    Surely it's impossible for things to get worse?

    Err... over to boss quotes in SSF2TR on GBA.







    Summing up:

    Vega nicks Balrog's quote;
    Balrog nicks M. Bison's quote; and
    M. Bison nicks Vega's quote.

    Oh yeah, Vega made Balrog's spiel his own by adding 'still' and ends with ! instead of .

    This ! also marks the end of M. Bison's steal.

    Aside from grammatical changes, how the fuck did this escape attention?

    Sagat managed to retain one of his original quotes.



    One right doesn't correct three wrongs and somehow makes it worse.

    Super Turbo saw the debut of Akuma who is only fought in the event of a pretty faultless 1P performance.  If conditions were satisfied, he'd famously beat the ever-loving shit out of Bison before attempting to do the same with you.

    He was tough, but beatable...


    What happens to Bison after Round 1?


    WHAT THE..?

    Of course you'd expect the unconscious and/or 'corpse' to magically shift several feet to the left.

    It's no different in Hyper.



    Before breakfast, dinner, tea, dessert and supper, admire the genius of more oversight.

    Check out how the modified intro for TWW in Street Fighter Collection 2 on PS1/Saturn panned out.



    It appears the original world warriors have matured a year early as any asshole will be aware these portraits didn't feature until 1992 in CE/HF.

    HA HA HA!  That's fantastic.


    For some reason, they also changed subtitle writing.


    Now grab a glass, fill it with something strong and drink, just... drink, but not too much.

    Get yer' clocks out because we're back in the U.S.S.R.

    TWW reads approximately 18:55 or 06:55 local time.
    As did Amiga and Spectrum 128K respectively.



    But not SNES.

    23:45 or 11:45 or 21:00 or 09:00?
    Pass.

    No change for CE/HF.
    At 23:45 or 11:45, or 21:00 or 09:00 - they beg to differ.

    Champion Edition (PC Engine)
    Special Champion Edition (Mega Drive)
    Turbo (SNES)
    In TNC/Super Turbo, no change.


    Consistency remains on SNES.


    For the following ports of Super Turbo, time is identical to arcade.

    Dreamcast
    3DO
    Backbone and SSF2THDR could've done what they wanted but no, they stuck fast.


    Oh shit man, what's this in TNC?

    'Nearly' 23:45 or 11:45, or 21:00 or 09:00.
    (Amiga - AGA)
    However, the Mega Drive really fucked things up.

    19:20 or 07:20 or 15:40 or 03:40?
    Who can say why they felt the need to adjust the hands of time.

    I can't believe for a single second it was done on purpose and must go down as one of those unexplainable mysteries.

    On making your day, week, month and year - don't mention it.

    The wonderful world of M.C. Escher

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    When it comes to perspective, nobody disorientates better.

    Exploring influence and curious exploitation will effortlessly entertain.

    Although impossible construction House of Stairs predates and Convex and Concave was an obvious sequel, his magnum opus Relativity is the one that got around.


    Labyrinth proved to be the late and great Jim Henson's final film but talk about going out on a high.

    Remember, you have no power over me.



    A quick scan around Sarah's bedroom reveals not only a poster of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical Cats, but also a certain picture...
    The Escher estate is given direct credit, in the er, credits.


    It is referred to as the 'upside-down room' in the C64 game.


    Cover art for Plok's nine-track debut album Circumlotion was admirably unsubtle in its approach.


    While one of several posters for 2012 surprise horror hit Cabin in the Woods was done for effect, Escher's imagination was literally brought to life in Secret of the Tomb.


    For Robin Williams - the magic never ends.

    How the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness is represented in Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits is certainly debatable.



    Matt Groening used this couch gag for Homer the Great.


    The Simpsons Movie and Duffmeister's epiphany inherited the same idea.


    In truth, I'd suggest this smacks more of Labyrinth.

    Futurama episode I Roommate has Bender falling about while Fry and co watch on.


    Brian Goes Back to College and Stewie hangs crazy stairs in Quahog.


    The title sequence of 1992 series The Addams Family (not to be confused with the 70s Hanna-Barbera adaptation), used this snippet to rather great effect.


    1993 SNES platform hokum Pugsley's Scavenger Hunt was based on the 90s show.

    Isn't that right Lurch?

    UGHH!
    Well, he is a man of few words.

    Chili Peppers were Red Hot when music video Otherside was conceived.




    Take a look at this 2014 Watchshop advert.


    I'm not sure how shit works but those concerned deserve to have their clocks chopped off.

    Pixels are proud to participate...

    Up steps Devil May Cry 3 on PS2.



    Haunting Ground, 2005 (PS2)
    Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, 2007 (PS3)
    Just imagine if slopes were stairs in Atari's 1984 classic Marble Madness.


    The fourth chapter (Phantasma Concerto) in Namco's on-rails lightgun shmup Vampire Night contains a very short 'black and white' area where enemies defy science.


    It's 'stairless' but...

    Originally on X68000, Akumajou Dracula whipped up something incredulous.


    Very ballsy, right?

    Christopher Nolan's dream-induced 2010 thriller Inception, which incidentally is nothing like anime Paprika; displays paradoxical architecture.


    Or the detail of 1960 print Ascending and Descending.


    Back with Springfield and a Brush with Greatness.


    As I'm keeping a close Eye on things, the box art for The Shadow of Yserbius was particularly innovative.


    (Shakes head).

    Hungarian artist Istvan Orosz is a name that may not be immediately familiar, but just like Boris Vallejo's work is compared to fantasy supremo Frank Frazetta, I have such Time Sights to show you.


    Wreck-It Ralph helped introduce Q*bert to the 'current' generation.


    Identical cubes can be found on woodcut trilogy Metamorphosis.

    Appreciate example number 1.


    Whaddya know, look at the floor in Orosz's optical illusion Door and Mirror.


    This is Robert Zemickis's underrated Jodie Foster sci-fi vehicle Contact.


    As you couldn't give two hoots about landscape or spaceship, the sculpture thing that initiates space travel appears to bear some resemblance to Cube with Magic Ribbons.


    Actually, her transport pod rings more of a ding dong.


    For the grandstand finish, place these in your plagiaristic pipe and smoke 'em.

    In now cult horror Event Horizon, creator Dr. Weir (Sam Neill) describes the ship's heart as the core, or gravity drive.  Director Paul Anderson is said to have based its design as homage to the puzzle box in Clive Barker's Hellraiser series.


    Sorry, I see something else which takes more than the fucking piss.

    Wait, it gets better.

    The climax of Silent Hill 4: The Room has protagonist Henry Townshend facing deceased serial killer Walter Sullivan.

    What purpose do interlocking rings surrounding spherical object serve?


    NOTHING!

    Konami getting away with and stealing from a film that was initially an outright flop is bizarre, but imagine how they'd react knowing their 'deviation' was another unnoticed rip off.

    Irony can be such a crazy bitch.

    R-Type: Concluding bit

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    R-Type III: The Third Lightning, 1993 (SNES)

    After Super R-Type, you'd expect another horror show but it’s actually the polar opposite.

    Three types of Force (Round, Shadow and Cyclone) each give different firepower and borrows from bastard sibling Leo.

    The new Hyper cannon (which goes through solid objects and bosses), can 'overheat' and must cool down before resumption.

    Expect to wade through space debris, acid dripping caves, blast furnace and vegetation, all breathing a wicked assortment of Bydo brutality.

    The fifth boss warms the cockles of retro hearts as cellular jelly mound morphs into iconic favourite Dobkeratops, which becomes Rios and Cyst.

    Shell (the snake from midway through the arcade’s first stage), is brought as boss.

    In the final stage, background disappears and reappears so deciding whether to shit or bust is key to progress.

    Survive all that shit and the end boss (who inconveniently regenerates head) impatiently awaits.

    Limbs detach as a final act of defiance and after some not too fancy dodging later, the persistent tries to escape into harmonious space.

    Waiting for head to split and feeding it whichever force seals the deal.

    Completing Advanced Mission ups difficulty but unlike Super R-Type, ending is not extended.

    I tell a lie, you are a super player!

    Six superb stages boast copious variety and utilise every effect the SNES can muster.

    Fair enough, it's not on par with Axelay but then again, nothing does.

    There are slowdown issues and unavoidable flicker but compared to predecessor, travels faster than a speeding bullet.

    Music isn't great but does have occasional menace.

    Difficulty is finely balanced and the latter half tests reflexes and concentration.

    Are restart points back?

    Mercifully yes.  Get the FUCK in there.

    In 2003, Raylight Studios brought the experience to GBA with puzzling debauchery.

    Despite looking the part, action crawls in comparison and music is absolutely appalling.

    Breath of Fire was bad but holy shit.

    However, the 'invisible' area surrounding ship means collision detection renders this an absolute Bydowreck.

    Dying when it’s not your fault?

    Marvellous!

    R-Type Delta, 1998 (PS1)

    A.D. 2164, Asia

    Building upon Third Lightning, different models of crate dictate Force and weaponry.

    R9 “Delta” – Standard
    RX “Albatross” – Tentacle
    R13 “Cerberus” – Anchor

    While the good old wave cannon sticks like a limpet, once the Delta weapon reaches 100%, baddies are taught a lesson they'll never forget.

    What kicks ass is we no longer need to rely on POW Armour dropping speed as tapping R2 or R1 gives total control.

    Doubling system power presents a special effects laden extravaganza.

    The heart of 2D beats fast but backgrounds and mainly sprites are subject to much 3D rotation.

    Dubbed contacts, seven stages routinely excite

    Negotiating the stomp of 'Imperial Walkers' feels like the ballet dancer sequence from Parodius.

    Bosses can be monstrous, ranging from slug larvae and friend, giant tank and spaceship.

    Once again, the fifth end of level obstacle delivers more of the same, namely Shell, Cyst and Battleship.

    Dobkeratops returns separately and the final stage is appropriately dank.

    Imagine fathomless space and enemy appearing from giant puddle.  Ocean liners, apartment blocks, DNA strands and mathematical equations magnify a fucked off danger.

    When Force eats yellow comet and attaches itself to the alien core – we must be patient until the capability to nuke is granted...

    With its bestiary of biological, organic and mechanical danger, Delta simply delights.

    If there is something to moan about, when craft is chosen, a bizarre punishment is handed out because some possess firepower better suited against certain bosses.

    R9 and RX celebrate success with a right royal piss up but R13 famously suffers eternal damnation.

    R-Type Final, 2003 (PS2)

    Judging by title, did they mean it?

    Yes and no.

    The whole hoo-ha is piloting a total of 99 but in truth, many are upgrades of others but won't perturb the determined.

    POW Armour, classic and even X-Multiply makes an appearance.

    Customising bits, Force, colour and missiles automatically satisfies

    You're not forced to be stuck with the same ship throughout as the already unlocked can be swapped after a stage is dusted.

    We begin with a modest choice of three and although ‘fighters’ are initially inherited by simply completing a stage, fussiness borders on the ridiculous.

    Finishing the game.
    Total playing time.
    Beating boss with a specific ship and even how boss is beaten.

    For this purpose, stages are displayed as decimal and accessing multiple ‘variations’ depend on the player.

    Call me a lazy bastard but the novelty inexorably becomes a soul destroying chore.

    Regardless of dedication, much of what’s achieved is housed within a new look museum.

    Apart from main scoop, ‘Vs. AI’ provides a weird one on one battle against CPU and ‘Score Attack’ is the perfect tonic for points junkies.

    So then, are you a big fat screaming Baby or a mean motherfucking R-Typer?

    Whatever difficulty, commence Operation Last Dance.

    Most of this vindaloo oozes melancholy and quote or excerpt from ‘ship archives’, ‘Bydo body’, ‘Bydo Lab Chief’s speech’ or ‘recovered voice recorder’ adds extra spice.

    Haunting murmurs accompany minimal music and full-on themes are moodier than a hormonal teenager with acne.

    Backgrounds study science, ecology, vacuum like vortex and climb the peak of disorientation.

    New behemoths are a given but Dobkeratops and the tragic Cerberus appearing as end of stage bad asses in hidden deviations are challenges worth seeking.

    If the final stage in Delta was dark, this is FUBAR.

    Avoiding awkward spore formations is the primary objective but silhouettes of male and female eventually having sex raises eyebrows.

    Once again, the end boss isn't one per se and represented as a glowing organism.

    After using the Force, your basis for attack is removed and a flurry of Force devices soon bombards a sitting duck.

    What now, right?

    Dodging forever won't help and the wave cannon provides the ‘Final’ clue.

    Charging for around 30 seconds or so compels the gauge to illuminate and indicates Giga Wave.

    KA BASTARD BOOM.

    The educated will know premier PS2 blasting is reserved for import audiences only and although this deserves a top ten spot, the hardcore Gradius V remains king.

    R-Type Command, 2008 (PSP)

    Originally released as Tactics in Japan in 2007, could a turn-based, hexagonal tactical strategy structured as scrolling shmup actually work?

    Before pouring scorn, let’s give gamble a chance.

    This is essentially a more intense version of the strategic map mode in Star Fox Command on DS.

    With that in mind, is the North American name a coincidence?

    Yes.

    Archives record battle records and unit information and Gallery stores numerous types of unlocked CG artwork which can be set as wallpaper.

    Vs mode is available through the wonder of Wi-Fi.

    Right, here goes Campaign.

    First off, a squad of unit, craft, Force and transport needs assembling.

    Once done, they must be deployed on grid.

    Admittedly, a lot can be done per turn but is limited, depending on what's moved, so situation dictates strategy.

    Developing units is done via R&D but replaying missions to gather resources is unfortunately a must.

    It is prudent to protect weaker crafts by moving them out of range.

    Although the expendable can be nuked to inflict massive damage, it’s worth sticking with certain types as skills are improved.

    Transport acts as guardian angel and mechanic but if destroyed - game over man.

    As progress is made, indestructible background must be evaded and destroying obstacles makes life easier.

    Ordering an attack instigates brief but impressive CG.  Sensibly, animations can be turned off so only the aftermath is seen.

    You can ‘miss’ and the enemy can counter attack.

    Completing missions tot up CG in gallery, bring new squads and modified weaponry.

    Tackling numerous sub-species of Dobkeratops means the boss inferno burns bright.

    Once the Human side is dusted, Bydo Mission ensures this flagon will take a while to guzzle.

    It may not be to everybody’s cup of cocoa, but fans of the genre should lap up a slow-burning experience.

    Graphics are decent enough but 3D models and backgrounds are practically static.

    Inevitably, this biohazard isn't without problems.

    The CPU charges the wave cannon and takes several turns to unleash.  If hit, effort is reset and process must begin from scratch.

    How fucking irritating.

    Enemy AI can lack the intelligence of a dead slug and UMD must load more than a fork lift truck.

    Fair enough, this can be ‘reduced’ but the principle remains.

    Overall, transforming shmup into chess performs admirably and that in itself is a triumph.

    The 2009 Japanese exclusive sequel was subbed, ahem, Operation Bitter Chocolate.

    From a gameplay POV, little has changed, but humans assist and aggressive expansion is applied to unit and mission gross.

    It would seem fun is done but Rezon says otherwise, which explains why shit has been purposely kept under wraps.

    Believe me, I nearly gave in during 'attack of the familiars' but somehow resisted.

    Rest assured, there'll be shocks and surprises.

    Dawn of the Grin

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    After months and months of chiseling away at a sculpture more significant than Michelangelo's statue of David, the sequel to Night of the Living Smirk is finally here.

    Expect connections to rage and reaction to take centre stage.

    Like Cole Porter's famous musical - Anything Goes.


    Subject 1. Losing my hand was inconvenient but happiness is a warm chainsaw.  All labour and no carnage makes Ash a boring chin.  Redrum is bound to pull clear in the 12.15 at Overlook.  Deadites? What a bunch of bastards. 

    Subject 2. Are you out of your fucking mind? That donkey is sure to fall at the first furlong.  If prediction doesn't come to fruition, I'll drink Lloyd's bourbon.  Where's my wallet? Of course, how Room 237 of me. DAAAANNNNNYYYYYY!!!!!


    Subject 1. If you really want to boogie woogie with adamantium by the bright sunlight, take on me.

    Subject 2. Rastania is populated with unconvincing denizens and delirious dementia.  Why does this ridiculous looking gauntlet reek of mechanical piscine? Who in Darius knows?


    Subject 1. Do you wanna know why I wear this mask?  It's not that my father... was... a drinker, and a fiend, but because I'm that ugly; mirrors would rather commit suicide than suffer the indignity of casting reflection.  Yodel-lay-hee-hoo!

    Subject 2. Thanks to the corruption of opium, your skills are extraordinary.  You have offended my family and you have offended the Shaolin Temple.  Despite claw made of rubber, there's no need to blubber.


    Subject 1. I've just played a particularly dirty tune on Mona's sax and she fucking loved it.  To erase the necessity of activating bullet time, Chief Mendez recommends painkillers with extra codeine.

    Subject 2. Humph! You'll be pleased to know that the result of a desperate grope and meaningless fumble in a godless universe is syphilis.  Oh didn't you know? That whore's phwoar door is more contagious than the bubonic plague.  Why not stick Las Plaga up one's ass as the Los Illuminados say it's a great aphrodisiac.

    Something big is going down and this ain't no toy story.
    Despite what the movie says, it's 'Houston, we've had a problem', not 'we have a problem'.
    One more thing.  WILSON!


    Subject 1. This is Commissioner Gordon.  Any animal, vegetable or mineral who accuses SNK of ripping off Edi.E will be bound, gagged and taken to a remote spot in South Town for Mr. Big to do wicked things with batons.

    Subject 2. Comrade, my strength is far greater than yours and that thing on your chest doesn't intimidate.  I would celebrate in the appropriate Russian fashion but that clueless git Gorbachev got himself lost en route to Thailand.


    Subject 1. That luscious tan and ruby lips are turning this good guy on.  Marry dungarees to instigate sexageddon.

    Subject 2. Do I look like easy porcelain?  Well maybe so, and pigtails can't be choosers.  If you finish before I wake, leave your soul on top of cake.


    Subject 1. I'll cut your bloody throat, you fucking wanker! Up yours asshole! You ain't worth a toss!

    Subject 2. YOU LIMEY SCUMBAG! Get on the floor and give me fifty or downing Tango and earning Cash will become your own personal world of shit.


    Subject 1. Electric shock treatment? I guess we're in a for a long night 'cause I don't know shit, oh well.

    Subject 2. You want me repeat the combat zen speech?  What the hell's the matter with you? Okay, this is a sport of death and honour, Code of the Gladiators!

    Whoah, you're just kidding, right?
    C'mon man, after all we've been through?
    Put an empty chamber in that gun.  It's gonna be alright.
    MAO! DIDI MAO! MAO!
    You slap me once more and I'll... MAO!
    OH YOU'RE GONNA DIE, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
    Is this what you want? I love you Nicky.
    I hear all kinds of bullshit every day but my son a demon takes the V/H/S.
    (But Papa, it's true).
    Great, let's go for a pint.
    Jesus wept guys.  I'm hooked, without line, or sinker.
    I stab him, she stabs me, we're a happy family.
    Hey Commodus, do my killer combos and incredible rhythm get a thumbs up?
    Yeah mon!
    ......................
    Okay, fancy maxing out maracas ahead of Sobat Festival?


    Obviously the proposition was misconstrued.


    Subject 1. Let me introduce myself.  The name's King, Don King.  I'm a crooked, thieving, ruthless twat who like a prostitute - screws people for money.

    Subject 2. Well I suppose everybody's got their problems.  If you have an iota of human feeling, pass me some spermatozoon as that baby's driving me nuts, I can't fucking stand it.

    Why is mimetic poly-alloy looking so glum?


    Oh yeah, Shuko and Double Dragon.

    Never mind pal, remember your cameo in Wayne's World?

    Have you seen this boy?
    No I haven't, but hope (whoever the hell he is) turns up soon.


    Subject 1. Stuff the fight, Sheng Long and dragon punching waterfalls.  Caterpillars are everything.

    Subject 2. Look at you.  Pathetic! Ken may be a vanilla flavoured toss piece but at least Eliza blows his wonder whistle more times than a card happy referee.  Now toddle off and walk towards sunset - there's a good little loser.

    Meet Guy Kazama - the Last Alert for humanity.
    Or if you like, the PC Engine on Red Alert.
    Note to Last Ninja Remix.  Must shave monobrow.

    Subject 1. SHUT UP! YES OR NO - YOU WANNA DIE? YES OR NO?

    I GOT THE JOB DONE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?
    YOU STILL DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.

    Subject 2. WELL, WHAT D'YER WANNA HEAR, MAN?  Do wanna hear that soon after solving the box I got fingered by a cenobite?

    Oh no!  Missing the pink and potting the brown is always grim.
    Demons to some, angels to others.
    The experience fell somewhere inbetweeners.
    Dead or alive, I want to be a leaf.
    Must scoff pizza and stick head down a toilet... 
    Yes, skiing down this cleavage is something I could get used to.

    Subject 1. I want your love and I want your revenge, you and me could run a switchblade romance.

    Subject 2. Certainly not! Don't be disgusting! Singlehandedly bringing the city of San Francisco to its knees is the passion of fashion.  Oooooh Matron!


    Subject 1. No, no way and never.  I'd rather have tonsils tickled with razor wire coated with sulphuric acid than snog 'that'.

    Subject 2. Don't flatter yourself darling.  Sgt. Pembry's cheek is far more appetising but there's always room to have an old friend for dinner.

    Great Scott Marty!
    Even without the Earth's gravitational pull, this shit is heavy. 
    Haggis?  Sheep's stomach stuffed with meat and barley?
    I'd rather unsheath MacLeod's pork sword as it has more 'oink' than a promiscuous pig.
    I've always wondered why communication is wonkier than a misguided cock.
    Pluto, do you read me?  PLUTO?
    I could lend a sympathetic ear but as hillside cannibal is one nasty fuck, I'm delighted to say you're shit out of luck.
    Consumed by sexual inactivity, psychopathic hitchhiker John Ryder hires a smurf coloured genie in the hope of trimming any of five lady gardens.

    Will the following chat-up line add cream to their cappuccino?

    I've seen things you people you wouldn't believe.  Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.  I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser gate.
    All those... moments... will be lost in time, like (cough) tears... in... rain.
    Time... to die. (Smiles).
    Let's find out.

    'Possessing the mother to kill the child' was fun at first but 'kill the wife and screw the husband' sounds more exciting.
    Oh shit, that puddle in my knickers doesn't represent excitement...
    Damn those smart price incontinence pads.
    You... SHAMED ME!
    Just for that, I don't want your maggot - you lousy faggot.
    SET ME FREE! ONE IS GAGGING TO SUCK YOUR SOUL.
    Oh, you was hoping for me to taste something else?
    Sorry handsome. This witch doesn't chew sausage - I'm a vagitarian.
    No offence pal, but considering me and Amy from Fright Night 1985 didn't work out, these legs are unlikely to open sesame or spread like butter.
    I'd suggest skidaddling pronto before urban myth shoves a large of scissors up where only customs officials dare to probe.
    As you couldn't prevent Victor from stitching daft cow up, the chances of rolling my furry dice are definitely out.
    After failing to realise the bonk of dreams, lay to remember or shag to savour, our man is understandably furious.

    Whoah.  Calm down already.
    Sorry about not firing cupid's arrow but I'm a genie, not a fucking miracle worker.
    Picking up your dummy, what's next hobo with a peashooter?
    (Whisper, whisper).
    It's most irregular to grant a freebie but okay, just this once.
    I must say old chap, flattening a fellow human being like a pancake is very therapeutic but because the back's giving me jip; I'm unable to satisfy suicidal lust.
    Determined to end the doom and gloom.

    You know what to do.  Squeeze the trigger.
    The outcome is left ambiguous.

    HA HA HA HA!!!!
    That is the smallest dick I have ever seen.
    Be careful not to dip your rod in any given pond because anything desperate enough to take a bite will be wondering what they ate.
    If pinky dwarfs trouser truncheon - that's entertainment.
    Don't go squawking to the press as minimal inch is supposed be L.A. Confidential.
    In the meantime, you're gonna need a bigger boat.
    The merchandise (heroin) is good.  Tasty, smooth.
    Hey shoot 'im.  Drop it prick! WHAT? SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!
    WILL SOMEBODY SHOOT THIS PRICK?
    SHUT THE FUCK UP!
    Shoot me! Shoot me! Shoot me!
    SHUT THE FUCK UP!
    You want this in your FACE? Grrrrr!!!!!
    Pain and pleasure is difficult to measure but Brazil hides unknown treasure.
    Well shock the bed, I love you watts and watts.
    I'm going away now.  I'm going away everybody.
    This is what happens if you're not... ECONOMICALLY VIABLE.

    Subject 1: After taking a bath with Lush bombs, I wouldn't buy the result for tuppence, let alone a dollar.

    Subject 2: In fairness, you always were an handsome bastard.  Boo to cheap aftershave and down with celestial angels of death.

    All I wanna do is melt, melt, melt, melt into you.
    Rocky Road? Heh Heh!
    Hey you guys!
    Break! Fall!
    Dropped once, or maybe twice?
    Aaaaaahhhhhh!
    The Singing Detective's wife felt the brunt of unfriendly soda, meat feast pizzas, sweaty socks and depressed doughnuts.
    If salivating over self-mutilation erects a certain monument - do me a Midian and Face/Off.
    Without taking the piece, I believe my acting career is falling apart.
    Join the fucking club.
    Come on Cordell, feed me to bloodthirsty boars as it's the only way I'll forget about how truly ridiculous I looked as Count Dracula.
    You're a human, same model as Bishop. Sent by the fucking company.
    Not bad for a... Koopa.
    Stasis interrupted, fire in cryogenic compartment, repeat, fire in cryogenic department.
    Why kidnap Daisy? She dog, but Peach dirty, really filthy.
    Would use Devo Gun to assassinate all condemned but don't have 6 AA batteries to power hunk of junk.
    Most desperados ring sex lines, but this sicko gets off watching muggins regurgitate strawberry flavoured cottage cheese.
    Hurry up will ya? I'm running on empty.
    That's it you dirty bitch, nearly there and YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH, thar she blows.
    With my tits and your tongue, the only way is south.
    Come on baby, slam your ham into my traffic jam.
    Gettin' Jiggy wit it.  Na na na na na na na nana.
    If La Magra doesn't turn on the tap of Mondu-The-Fat, Master of the Fight Pits - multiple folds and infinite creases will be the last to know.

    Subject 1: Vicious rumours from the self proclaimed 'strongest woman in the world' has left Shadaloo reeling.  For Christ's sake, I was a kid when I killed her dad.

    Subject 2: Face it pal, Crapcon labelled pixels deranged from the very beginning and thunder thighs ain't the type of pussy to guzzle sour milk.  Before losing her memory, didn't psycho crusher once bone spiral arrow?  In which case, you don't deserve a pot to piss in.

    Hoagie bear gorgeous pants.
    You're about to 'not' get eaten by a rubber shark less convincing than Keanu Reeves' accent in Dracula and miraculously emerge drier than a hooker on the menopause.
    In space, it's impossible to remain KHAAAAANNNN!!!!
    The Beast is here so bring on the fear.
    God is in his holy temple. In the pouring rain, very Kane.
    Go into the light.  There is suffering and torment... in the light.
    As for dark tequila, wouldn't wanna squeal yer'.
    Lt. Boyle reporting for bludgeoning, Mr Hannibal Sir.
    Before getting stuck in, can you at least stick on Goodbye Horses because Goldberg Variations tends to have me Baching up the wrong tree.
    Casting McLovin wouldn't be just Superbad.
    It'd be Megastupid, Extremelydim and Simplyidiotic.
    Master, your thoughts on the performance of replacement bloodsucker Colin Farrell?
    I despise unnecessary remakes of seminal classics.  I FUCKING HATE 'EM.
    Hmmm, the name rings a crucifix but isn't yet shedding sunlight.
    Give me an hour and I'm sure to have Total Recall.
    Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.
    'AAADDDDRRRIIIAAAAAN!''ROCKY!'
    'AAADDDDRRRIIIAAAAAN!''ROCKY!'
    Contrary to popular belief, listening to that incessant rambling is the reason I became a scalp happy, serial killing maniac.

    Subject 1: Julia asked for skin so like any asshole, I gave her open palm a gentle slap.  She then shoved me inside an elevator and where a horrific transformation took place.  Shortly after plastic surgery, this fucking worm thing showed skull the drill to sum up a fantastic day.  And to think, I hesitated (about dumping her).

    Subject 2: I guess the bitch got up on the wrong side of the mattress.  Mission start. Heavy machine gun. Full metal slug.


    Subject 1: Me Koba.  Me ape.  You Eliminator.  You pain in character zapping ass.  Caesar king and deadbeat (signed).

    Subject 2: We need emotional content.  Don't think! Feeeeelll! (Rebecca's hooters).  It is like a finger (leech) pointing away to the moon (here comes the sun).  Don't concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly (hellish) glory.  Do you understand? (Billy shakes head).  Never take your eyes off your opponent even when you bow.

    Instead of eating a scabby horse, they choose...

    (Dog and bone)
    I'm pure Filth and a dirty degenerate low-life.

    How I've made it large in Hollywood is shameless.
    (Rattle)
    I gonna make you feel the impact (OF MY SOUL).
    Feel the impact.  Feel f-eel f-eel the impact.  F-f-f-f-f-f-eel feel feel the impact.
    (Glove)
    Marigolds are so last year, cotton makes skin crawl, plastic has a crude texture but leather renders viagra redundant.
    (Bat)
    The experience of doves inspired a different pair of wings.
    (Miaow)
    Max is happy to demonstrate his hobby of eating the pussy.
    (Crunch)
    Cicada are supposed to be more nutritious than grasshoppers.
    Bullshit! That's the last time I listen to that asshole Lemarchand.
    (Ear he goes)
    (Listen baby, I need something to go with a nose and like it or not, my gnashers are going to help me the fuck out).
    If only Mikey boy had visited Sergeant Scott's World of Listening Tackle.

    From big or small to cute and cuddly, we've got lobes and cartilage covered; and a steal at three for a fiver or six for tenner.
    Terms and conditions apply:
    While stocks last.  Cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer (three for two, BOGOF etc) and not open to expendables.
    Before signing off, Chet Pussy has something to exclaim.

    FUCK IT!
    We'll meet again.  Don't know where, don't know when.  But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.

    It Follows - The scoop and digest

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    Low budget scarefests often outclass their big budget counterparts and after 2010 comedy/drama debut The Myth of the American Sleepover, David Robert Mitchell's teen horror hopes to continue the trend.

    Before coming to UK cinemas in 2013, home invasion thriller You're Next left its gory mark on film festivals in 2011.  Similar story here, as this first premiered at Cannes last year.

    Plot details and/or spoilers will run rabbit run.

    Feeling the force:

    Maika Monroe - Jay
    Keir Gilchrist - Paul
    Daniel Zovatto - Greg
    Jake Weary - Hugh

    A random girl is clearly terrified by 'something' and is murdered (off camera) on the beach.

    Sometime later, young hottie Jay dates Hugh who complains of seeing an invisible woman at a theatre.

    They go at it in a car but Hugh chloroforms conquest and ties her to a wheelchair.

    Regaining consciousness, he drops the bombshell that meat injection has passed on a curse that gives licence for a supernatural being to relentlessly pursue at walking pace.  It can assume the guise of anything human and is only visible to the cursed.  If the 'jinxed' is killed, the monster will stalk the previous carrier.

    Unlucky babe.  You've contracted a STC.

    What's that I hear you cry? Well it's a sexually transmitted 'curse' of course.

    God I'm funny.

    Having evaded its first appearance of a naked woman, Hugh safely delivers Jay back home and doesn't wait for a snog goodnight.

    The equation is simple - open legs quicker than a broken lock and pass it on.

    After Jay witnesses various sightings, her friends start to believe this bitch ain't crazy.

    They attempt to track down Hugh but only find a fake address.  Still, finding a gun is always handy...

    School records come up trumps and reveal Hugh's real address.  During a chat, his actual name is Geoff and/or Jeff.

    Without subtitles, who knows?

    Sod it.  Let's refer to him as Geoff.

    Anyway, he 'acquired' the curse from a one night stand.

    On the beach, it takes the form of girl chum Yara and although shot, soon recovers.

    Jay bails in terror and crashes into a corn field.

    At the hospital, she does the business with Greg and curse adopts a new bearer.

    After another 'Greg' breaks into his house, Jay's attempt to warn prove fruitless when mum has sex with him.

    Wrong on all levels.

    So, back to you Jay.

    Paul offers to relieve the burden from childhood sweetheart but she refuses.

    The remainder hatch a cunning plan to deep fry the entity with various electrical appliances by luring it inside an abandoned swimming pool.

    Posing as father, the approach of throwing whatever at Jay is mildly unexpected.

    Jay provides location and a couple of headshots from Paul's gun seals the deal.

    Closer examination reveals the entity has expanded into a mass of blood.

    Paul earns his reward and realises sexual ambition.

    The ending is left ambiguous because either Paul goes with a prostitute or retains the curse, as somebody follows while holding hands with presumably now girlfriend Jay...

    I'm perched upon on a certain fence because while this was pretty decent, I expected much more.

    Performances are competent, the idea is well executed and old fashioned jump tactics sometimes deliver.

    Unfortunately, whether screaming, blank-faced or starkers, malevolence is more ordinary than a seven day week.

    Like entity, I pissed myself when The Exorcist was ripped off.  Oh yeah, Mia did the same in the Evil Dead reboot.

    As plot holes gape, we're forced to draw our own conclusions.

    We 'assume' GFB (girl from beginning) was Geoff's one night stand and because sex tig wasn't played, is why it reverted back to him.

    Hang on a mo, saying he caught shit from 'her' is bollocks because she never had it in the first place.

    In other words - who slept with Jeff?

    Yeah, it makes no fucking sense.

    Barring a highly unlikely prequel, the origin of curse and how it came about remains a ridiculous mystery.

    At least Stephen King's Thinner (novel or awful film adaptation) and Sam Raimi's disappointing Drag Me to Hell made no secret of dealing with gypsy curses.

    Presence, force, entity or whatever your preference is portrayed as a relentless terminator.

    Being able to imitate object of equal size, but without the need of sampling physical contact smacks of a supernatural T-1000.

    As it only 'meanders', this also reminds of Mr. X from Resident Evil 2, not to be confused with the almost boring Nemesis rehash.

    Amnesia: The Dark Descent contained shocks aplenty, but most terrified when encountering invincible and invisible force the 'Shadow', that hunts and kills anybody who doesn't respect or abuses power of the Orb.

    Think about it geezers and divas...

    Video games stealing film and famous faces - Reel 1

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    Remember when video game miscellany became 'tasty'?

    Sure you do, and while that'll return, consider this a sub-plot.

    Schwarzenegger is back, again.

    Vintage arcade scrolling hack 'n slash classic Golden Axe never portrayed Ax Battler as Conan, but the Master System port begged to differ...


     Not convinced? You soon will be.




    Hmmm, the final screen rips off the mediocre Return of the Jedi.


    Ewoks? Don't mention those bastard furry things.

    This scene is also made clear in C64 decapitation classic Barbarian, not to be confused with the Psygnosis game of same name.


    Notice Drax and how tart is slouched.

    Lady Sword not only stole Renato Casaro's poster art, but also the scantily clad Leia.


    Boris Vallejo's artwork for National Lampoon's Vacation serves as an obvious parody.


    Taito's Rastan was another to exploit the success of sword and sorcery.


    At conclusion, the piss was really taken.


    With epilogue.


    All they did is change text and not have it scroll over epilogue.

    Brilliant!

    Just in case chopper didn't click, the final screen of Golden Axe also applied 'alteration'.

    Did Tecmo's Shadow Warriors also help themselves?


    Probably.

    Muscle-bound boss geezer Roper appears in SNES crossover farce Battletoads & Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team.


    Commando may be one of the most ridiculous action capers of all time, but unloads more entertainment than Colonel John Matrix's machine gun.

    Their inspiration is thusly.



    Before Arnie says hasta la vista, Battle K-Road is targeted for termination.


    Cyborg T-8P is dumped straight from the famous poster (minus the leather jacket).

    In the same shower of shit, Wolf is Stallone.


    Although backwards cap isn't a beret, Demolition Man anybody?

    Round 1: Jet Li

    Licensed video game: Rise to Honour (PS2)

    Unlicensed miscellany.

    Martial Masters and char Master Huang was clearly influenced by persona and famous ponytail.


    Crazy as it is, he's an unscrupulous mirror match of Lee from SNK's The Last Blade.


    For fun, another Hwang began life in Namco's Soul Edge, aka Soul Blade.

    I'm sure many still think Soul Calibur was the original.

    Round 2: Jackie Chan

    Licensed video games: Stuntmaster (PS1)Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu (NES and PC Engine) and Jackie Chan Adventures (PS2).

    Washed out digitised arcade fighter The Kung-Fu Master: Jackie Chan and update Fists of Fire, bordered on unhealthy obsession as three versions of Jackie were playable.

    Pioneered by SNK's Art of Fighting, screen scaling was adopted.

    Unlicensed miscellany.

    Before Ninja Combat, there was Gang Wars.
    Silent Dragon (Arcade)
    On the left is Joe, to my right is Lee and Kato pops up to say hello before he doesn't go back down below.
    For some reason, fourth char (Sonny) is unavailable for comment.

    So Lee obviously impersonates and Joe assumes the pose of poster for The Big Brawl, aka Battle Creek Brawl.


    Finally, this guy didn't tell a very good Police Story.

    Lei - debuted in Tekken 2
    The lyrics to Ash track Kung Fu also mention the man.

    2008 action adventure Forbidden Kingdom saw Jet Li and Jackie Chan engage in battle for the first time.

    High-kicking drama ends as it has to with the godfather.

    Final Round: Bruce Lee

    Licensed games: Quest of the Dragon (Xbox), Return of the Legend (GBA) and Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story(various).

    Don't understand the politics, but Datasoft released the originally titled platform/action thing Bruce Lee for numerous 8 bits in 1983/1984.

    To be fair, many are in tribute but some didn't give a flying kick.

    *indicates series debut

    Fei Long - Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers*
    His ending in Turbo Revival on GBA.


    Dragon Chan - Super Punch-Out!!*
    He became Fling Long Chop, Master of No-Can-Do in Elite's disgraceful home computer clone Frank Bruno's Boxing.
    Naughty Dog's 3DO abomination Way of the Warrior is probably the cheapest Mortal Kombat rip off ever conceived.

    Still, if you like White Zombie, appalling chars and retarded frame rate, this wets pants.

    If you can bear it, look at this FUCKING ASSHOLE portraying Dragon.


    Anybody who doesn't think he deserves a right royal slapping, needs slapping.

    He's basically Liu Kang with a stupid barnet.

    Why the fuck do I scream like a demented chicken?
    Yes, we've often wondered...

    Before ditching digitised actors, Kang was portrayed by Ho Sung Pak (original and sequel) and Eddie Wong (MK 3, Ultimate MK 3 and MK Trilogy).

    If you include live action, Robin Shou is yer' man.

    Mortal Kombat Advance was the GBA port of Ultimate MK 3 and if you thought the SNES version was bad...

    Although nobody cared, the 'best' version of Ultimate MK 3 was Ultimate Mortal Kombat (missing the '3') on DS in 2007.

    WHY?

    MK Trilogy had a komplete char roster (including playable bosses), together with incorporating some backgrounds from original and I think all from sequel.

    A select few received new, but unexciting specials and when spelt during match; the exclusive Aggressor bar made warriors temporarily faster and stronger.

    Being able to select classic incarnations of Raiden, Jax, Kano and Kung Lao even predates 'Super vs. Mode' in Street Fighter Collection 2, and obviously Hyper.

    Further to omitting playable bosses (mainly down to cart storage issues), the N64 port was overall inferior to PS1.  The Saturn version was nigh on identical to the system that sunk it.

    Whoah, kinda got carried away there.

    Marshall Law - Tekken series
    Before the dodgy tache in Tekken 3.


    How he originally looked in 1994.


    What is going on with yap?

    Ha ha ha!

    Maxi - Soul Calibur*
    Unlike coin muncher, Billy in Double Dragon Advance was purposely made to look like everybody's martial arts hero.
    So much so, this is duplicated in box art which along with twin brother Jimmy, looks very much like a conscious reproduction of promotional still from the Chuck Norris fight in Way of the Dragon.


    Jann Lee - Dead or Alive series
    Congrats must go to 'Martin' as while the Amstrad CPC conversion of Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja loads, we are treated to a screen that completely ignores the principle of arcade original.



    Whatever, right?

    Dragon - World Heroes series
    D.D. Crew was a very shitty 1991 Final Fight clone.
    Sega had a very, very bad day.

    "Damn! Shut up already."
    Unfortunately, such rap crap occurs during boss battle.
    Hon Fu - Fatal Fury 3: Road to the Final Victory*
    Konami's Yie Ar Kung-Fu may have been the first one on one fighter to boast 'special' moves, albeit only by CPU only opponents.

    Oolong says haiya.


    Did chars Fan and Buchu inspire Mai Shiranui and E. Honda respectively?

    Maybe.

    Shao-lin's Road adapted proceedings by mixing scrolling action with platforms.

    Instead of sticking with insert coin, Konami sold out with a straight to home sequel.

    Although Game of Death is movie of interest, who's this?



    Oh yeah, Max von Sydow as Ming the Merciless in 1980 film of Flash Gordon.


    The 1974 soft porn spoof Flesh Gordon came before and Sam Jones scrapping with 'Mr Ming' in Ted still makes me laugh.

    Let's hope sequel is nearly as funny but I don't hold out much hope.

    Some games shouldn't have been made and The Way of the Little Dragon on Amiga is one of those examples.


    Its title screen probably robbed Enter the Dragon.


    Han taking the full force of kick without actually being hit is amusingly bad.
    Considering offensive sewage was released in 1987, it's therefore extremely odd that poster art for 1993 biopic is eerily similar.


    However, this 'doctored' image from sunA's Best of Best is no coincidence.


    I suppose Korean obscurity has its privileges.

    Hudson's China Warrior on PC Engine is weird, but obvious lookalike resisting giant boulder is beyond fucked.
    Based around Cthulhu mythos, superb 1993 adventure Shadow of the Comet blatantly depicted Hollywood legends.

    Here's the meat of who you'll meet in 'Illsmouth'.

    Jack Nicholson


    Vincent Price


    H. P. Lovecraft made a deserved cameo.


    Nice touch Infogrames.

    Okay, it's time to up the difficulty.

    Willem Dafoe


    Dustin Hoffman?


    Inconclusive.

    Charles Laughton


    Robert Mitchum


    The dude in focus is definitely Robert Shaw.



    Presenting my personal best.

    Grace Kelly


    Jackie Gleason


    Walter Matthau


    Until the odyssey continues...

    Go Film Go (Rock and Pop)

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    Enforced by personal taste or cultural reference, feature presentation is just the start of motion picture 35mm roll.

    Some are less blatant than others, but signposting and description ensures you won't miss a thing.

    Michael Jackson's Thriller is displayed in Back to the Future Part II when Marty returns from 2015 to an 'alternate' 1985.
    Just in case ears were having an off day, Beat It (from the same album) is heard in the Cafe 80s.
    Alien abduction thriller Dark Skies wasn't anything great, but missing son Jesse was a fan of Mastodon's The Hunter and Curren$y's The Stoned Immaculate.
    Until supercop John Spartan (Stallone) and notorious criminal Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) are thawed out in San Angeles 2032, 20th century obsessed Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) finds life beyond tedious in enjoyable action satire Demolition Man.
    Red Hot Chili Peppers spilling Blood Sugar Sex Magik can suck my kiss.
    In the original Get Carter, (not to be confused with the fucking terrible Stallone remake), Let it Bleed by The Rolling Stones is upright on Michael Caine's apartment floor.
    The already dead Lisa (Abigail Breslin) experiences groundhog day in 2013 supernatural thriller Haunter.  In turn, David Bowie became Low and Meat is Murder for The Smiths.
    In piss poor comedy Hot Tub Time Machine, friends John Cusack, Craig Robinson and Rob Corddry travel back to 1986, where Duran Duran's Rio may or may not be abundantly obvious.
    Either way, it is now...
    Wes Craven's seminal horror franchise A Nightmare on Elm Street made Robert Englund a horror icon.  It also saw a fresh-faced Johnny Depp make his big screen debut and snooze shack contains Grace Under Pressure from Rush.
    Steve Carell stars as the titular 40-Year-Old-Virgin and Asia's eponymously titled debut was chosen ahead of any other.
    In lamentable Jason Biggs/Isla Fisher romcom Wedding Daze, The National provide uneasy snap with Alligator.
    As men lusted after Kelly LeBrock in 1985 teen sci-fi comedy classic Weird ScienceY&T's In Rock We Trust may have escaped attention.
    Based on Andrea Dunbar's stage plays 'The Arbour' and 'Rita, Sue and Bob Too', Alan Clarke's 1986 British classic features a mutilated poster of Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols.
    After Dolph Lundgren's violent stab at portraying Frank Castle in The Punisher (1989), the Marvel vigilante changed persona and neither Thomas Jane in 2004 reboot/remake or Ray Stevenson in 2008 sequel War Zone looked out of place.
    Anyway, far left is Faster Pussycat's self-titled vanity and Iron Maiden's single Can I Play with Madness, taken from Seventh Son of a Seventh Son equates to immaculate observation.
    2006 infertility thriller Children of Men must be commended for recreating the cover art of Pink Floyd's Animals.


    Pigs may not fly, but they do float...

    Now appetite is whetted, theatre plays next.

    Psycho Spoof Beast #1

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    You thought it was the end... but the parody has just begun.

    Does that sound vaguely familiar?

    For the benefit of those who aren't tagline gurus, I've just paraphrased one of Saw IV's selling points.

    Namely:

    "You think it is over... but the games have just begun."

    Anyway, let's dance.

    Set after PS1 game Hail to the King, subtitle A Fistful of Boomstick is presumably referencing 1964 Sergio Leone classic A Fistful of Dollars.
    Who knows why cheap Dhalsim rip off Alsion III of Visco Corporation's Breakers series is named so, but Ramsesses III was an Egyptian Pharaoh...
    Baby Bonnie Hood of Darkstalkers 3 sends up a certain Little Red fairy tale.
    For his debut live stand-up show Animals, Ricky Gervais hoped to deliver a Thriller.


    Is it really plausible to base a computer game around a music video?

    Not really, but that's exactly what Mastertronic attempted in 1985 with Spectrum effort Chiller.

    Events ran in the wrong order (starting in the forest and not the cinema) etc etc, but that's where similarities end as this had fuck all to do with anything, because the aim was for some guy to collect crucifixes and rescue a fair maiden.

    Marvel over its unappealing glory.

    Notice the 'unlicensed' use of Pac-Man ghosts and Space Invaders.
    At least Famicom exclusive Splatterhouse: Wanpaku Graffiti made no secret of spoofing the iconic video.
    Cracking the miscellaneous 'writing' whip of Indiana Jones.


    In this 1991 Megadrive adventure, Donald Duck sets off to find King Garuzia's treasure.
    The animated series of Donkey Kong Country swapped religious artefact for crescent shaped fruit in episode Raiders of the Lost Banana.


    Complete with fedora and bullwhip, Dandy-J wasn't the only char to light up Sunsoft's eccentric Neo Geo fighter Waku Waku 7.
    It was later converted to the Saturn.
    Depending on era, the often twisted world of Garbage Pail Kids may not have drained pocket money.

    What a shame the film was unfortunately unpleasant, and not in a good way.

    Check out these light-hearted examples.

    R2-D2


    Rambo


    Ronald Reagan


    E.T.


    Tim Curry as 'sweet transvestite'Dr. Frank N. Furter.


    In apocalyptic 2013 comedy This is the End, an all-star cast including Seth Rogen, James Franco and Jonah Hill, played exaggerated and fictional versions of themselves.

    After Jonah becomes possessed, this segment references not The Exorcism of Emily Rose but...


    British A.I. Max Headroom is spoofed in the Eminem music video Rap God.


    Curren$y album This Ain't No Mixtape chose to base cover art on Vice City.


    Hollywood Pictures presents The Great Sphinx of Giza (and others).


    Kiss - Hot in the Shade
    Elgiza is a giant but regular enemy in Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin.
    Bizarre arcade Chocky! Chocky! not only ripped off Pang, but also stole a screen from Bomb Jack.


    Did these assholes really think nobody would notice?

    What incredible bullshit!

    I am... Nas, and there's more.


    Can you beat the boss?

    Actraiser (SNES)
    You'll face this at the end of Kasandora, Act II.
    Myth (C64)
    In principle, the NES port of Salamander (renamed Life Force), featured an identical boss.


    System 3 didn't think of it first.

    Many will remember the excellent Megadrive port of Toaplan's Hellfire.
    The relatively skilful will defy sarcophagus and dodge bullets.
    Back with Myth and before tackling King Tut's head, we must enter the Great Pyramid.
    Before Fighter's History, Data East's mascot Karnov debuted in his own crazy 1987 arcade.
    In all honesty, I bought the Spectrum version on impulse and to this day, don't regret it.
    Okay, the framerate was choppier than troubled waters but retained all of what made insert old silver coin such a fucked up action trip.
     Skeletons riding mutated ostriches, demons in bird's nest and gargoyle faces crying upon injury meant drugs were irrelevant.
    Lara Croft's Tomb Raiding exploits and others of a similar nature (now or ever), will never be excavated.

    I know, what a Ankher.

    We've all seen the climax of King Kong.  Damn those biplanes, damn them.

    It was beauty killed the beast.

    Yeah it was, and what a complete and utter bitch.

    Caravan Palace - Panic
    Fantasy supremo Frank Frazetta provides the cover for issue #81 of Eerie magazine.
    King-size baby equals king-sized spoof.
    There is precious little The Simpsons haven't parodied and King Homer forms part of Treehouse of Horror III.
    The others being Clown Without Pity and Dial "Z" For Zombies
    A few months before Treehouse of Horror III premiered in America, look how Homer was represented in SNES/Megadrive mini-game outing Bart's Nightmare.
    I cautiously say this may be the first time we saw Bartzilla.
    Although Gamecube classic Viewtiful Joe was a commercial flop, VFX Powers continued and was even adapted as anime.
    During the original's credits, heroes and villains take the piss out of and star in classic movies as if they were their own.
    Hulk Davidson is obviously posing as colossal ape and Some Like It Red Hot is a take on the 1959 Marilyn Monroe film Some Like It Hot.
    For extended description, Joe and co will be back later...

    We're off on a march, the March of Progress.


    The Doors - Full Circle

    Known as California Man in Europe.
    1983 sci-fi horror The Deadly Spawn portrays the epic strut on poster. 
    It's considered rude to point.  Try telling Uncle Sam that.

    Here's how the following lock and tape load.


    From the creators of the Runaway saga and the sequel to Hollywood Monsters, The Next Big Thing has a doctored version of Sam on box art.
    He prefers to pick up where he left off.
    Vampire thriller Daybreakers is a bit different from the usual need the feed as after a plague sweeps the world, some bloodsuckers look to cooperate with the human remainder in order to survive.
    Of course, things don't go according to plan...
    Parodius Da! portrays top hat as innocent, but potentially lethal bald eagle.
    This was enough for arcade or SNES port to never see the light of day in North America.
    I fail to understand the big fucking deal?
    After all, the poor bastard was fated to become a thanksgiving turkey.

    During the credit roll of Free Birds, Jake dons the hat and wears the clobber.


    "My God sirs! You can break our bones, but you'll never break our spirit!"

    Jack Klaff (as waxdroid Abraham Lincoiln) in Red Dwarf IV episode Meltdown.

    Did cult space comedy go downhill after VI?  A resounding and unequivocal YES!

    Sculpted by Daniel Chester French and carved by the Piccirilli Brothers, the statue of the 16th American President dominates Washington D.C.
    Without getting too much into film or television, here's my pick of a kick ass bunch.

    In the first season of the American adaptation of BBC series House of Cards, Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey) has blood on his hands. 
    Immolation - Majesty and Decay
    The final pair are straight from film and game.

    Seemingly iImmortal Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood must prevent the President from getting In the Line of Fire of John Malkovich's former CIA assassin Mitch Leary.
    1989 Data East arcade Sly Spy was a blatant James Bond rip off.
    The hero's name is what?
    Here's a scooby doo, don't use any imagination.
    Give yourself a punch in the bollocks or a twist to the lady bits if Sly didn't leave lips.
    Whichever artist was responsible for home computer conversion, he/she has publicity shot of 007 part timer to thank.


    It's a shame Timothy Dalton only starred in Licence to Kill and The Living Daylights because he did a striling job.

    Never mind, there's always Hot Fuzz.

    Before logging off, let's stay with Data East and Robocop 2.

    Unlike the original, their 1991 effort remained exclusive to coin muncher.

    However, they and Ocean ensured home owners didn't miss out with a completely different platforming interpretation in 1990.  The C64 and NES versions are largely the same, but Speccy and Amstrad mixed things up with exploration, puzzle elements and altered stages.  Amiga and ST were based on the latter but system prowess improved the experience, (at least from a visual POV).

    To actual and hugely inferior silver screen sequel.

    As you can see, Sly Spy is paraded on the entrance of OCP's crime prevention unit.


    Officer Duffy is forcefully asked to take a seat when refusing to co-operate about Cain's whereabouts.

    Cabinet marquee suggests Bad Dudes are about to take on Dragon Ninja, right?


    You'd think so, but oops a bastard mistake because when soon to be labelled 'rotten cop' takes a closer look, we observe this is actually Sly Spy.


    Who's at fault?

    Director Irvin 'The Empire Strikes Back' Kershner or Data East for supplying the arcade?

    I'm going with both.

    #2 guarantees stronger material but until that happens, even The Rifles remain None the Wiser of what'll contain.
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