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The Pyramid - The scoop and digest

December 12, 2014, 6:33 pm
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How in Giza was the Great Pyramid built?

Regardless of theory, nobody knows.

Clutching at canopic jars, I'd suggest those who somehow moved unfathomable weight didn't possess brutish strength, but just adopted construction techniques beyond scientific explanation.

Released by Fantasy Software in 1983, there was a Spectrum puzzle-cum-shmup bearing the same title, with the C64 game coming in 1984.

For reasons unknown, a dude in a submersible is tasked to find a way out of dodge.

An endless stream of bizarre enemy types are out to halt progress and in order to exit each screen, bombing a barrier by collecting colour-changing diamond is how one gets out.

Choice of exit determines your next 'chamber' and from apex, the only way is down.

Getting that off my retro chest...

Produced by Alexandre Aja and directed by collaborator Grégory Levasseur, a found footage horror of sorts endeavours to emulate all that came before.

Plot details and/or spoilers will be excavated.

Keeping things not under wraps include:

Ashley Hinshaw - Nora
Denis O'Hare - Holden
James Buckley - Fitzie
Christa Nicola - Sunni
Amir K - Michael Zahir

In 2013, a team of American archaeologists discover a lost pyramid buried in Cairo for x amount of years.

Along for the ride are experts father and daughter Holden and Nora, cameraman Fitzie (or Fitz), robotics geezer Michael and journalist Sunni.

Hi-tech robot Shorty takes a peek but 'something' shuts visuals down.

Once the gang are inside, bearings are soon lost.

After floor collapses, Sunni climbs a shaft but is attacked by an unknown creature.

They try to run, fail to hide, but do break on through to other side.

It turns out these animals are scrawny cat sphynxs and main monster is Anubis.

Michael is killed off screen, (presumably by the devourer of impure souls) while Sunni reacts badly to spikes.

The survivors find a burial chamber and ceiling reveals the star that shines brightest paves the way to freedom.

Holden's heart is taken and because beating organ fails to restore balance to the scales, yummy yummy for Anubis's tummy.

Fitzie and Nora ascend a ladder but our baddie is hot on their heels...

She gets a little tied up and Fitzie's face is crushed like an insect.

Releasing herself with a convenient cutting tool, cats climb on his back and attack.

Well open my sarchophagus, I remember something like that happening in Jurassic Park when the last Raptor foolishly tries its luck against the T-Rex...

Anubis puts a downer on Nora's escape and brings closure to a truly awesome experience.

Congratulations Mr Levasseur, your film has achieved the astonishing feat of being even worse than As Above, So Below.

Apart from a fairly well done three-sided and fictitious environment, hieroglyphs conclude there is nothing; truly less than nothing to recommend climbing this mountain of FUCKING misery.

The script is impossibly amateurish, CGI makes Mega Shark, Sharknado et al seem big budget and why does it take so bastard long for Anubis to rip Nora's heart out, as the same courtesy isn't extended to anybody else?

Inept cliche at its deplorable best.

Robbie Coltrane's sharp drinking, chain smoking, gambling washout Dr. Edward Fitzgerald in Jimmy McGovern's Cracker detests anything other than 'Fitz' and because the bearded Jay can have identical nickname and/or variation - a very strange coincidence exists.

Something I prefer to forget is Fitz was the American adaptation of Cracker.

Clunge seeking sex pest does his best, but ultimately gives a useless performance.  Denis O'Hare of American Horror Story and True Blood fame is disappointing and the others unfortunately take too long to die.

"Terrifying - you'll want your mummy."

Oh sorry, I'm just predicting what some asshole will state on cover art next year.

They say a worthless artefact may become priceless in the years to come but expecting this to follow suit is delusional optimism.
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Go Film Go (Now Showing)

April 17, 2015, 2:23 pm
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Part II is all about what those involved could, but largely don't watch in feature presentation.

So that immediately rules out what can be heard in conversation or referenced on a much smaller screen.

In just over six months, 21 October 2015 will be upon us.

How will you celebrate 'Back to the Future' day?

I have a few ideas which may involve the trilogy, tasty snacks and booze...

Director Max Speilberg warns that in Jaws 19, this time it's REALLY REALLY personal.


After shitting bricks, Marty retorts "Shark still looks fake."

The sequel in Paris was FUCKING awful but An American Werewolf in London effortlessly blended dark humour with the macabre.

Howling mad David joins undead pal Jack to watch fake porno See You Next Wednesday.  During which, his victims amusingly suggest how he should pop his cork.


For anybody who's interested, "See You Next Wednesday" comprises of:

Brenda Bristols - Linzi Drew
Lance Boyle - Lucienne Morgan
Chris Bailey - Gypsy Dave Cooper
Georgia Bailey - Susan Spencer

Brenda Bristols.  Ha ha ha!

Street drinking trio Alf, Ted and Joseph are about to sup their last drop of cheap petrol against the backdrop of Tower Bridge.
'Owned' by Yuri (pictured), King and Mai, The King of Fighters '94 displays identical landmark.


Jim (Cillian Murphy) wakes up 28 Days Later and soon finds that London has been ravaged by rage in Danny Boyle's cult classic.
Christopher Eccleston aside, the decision to recruit the army nearly thawed an otherwise superb ice cube.
Resident Evil 3: Nemesis boasts a pre-rendered pile up.


The gloves of moustached British boxing geezer Dudley presented a much better alternative to Balrog and debuted in Street Fighter III: New Generation.



Moving from capital to country.

Darkstalkers: The Night Warriors, Capcom 1994 (J. Talbain's stage)
Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers, Capcom 1994 (Cammy's stage)
Who needs to sightsee when you have me as your guide?

The Last Horror Film (not to be confused with the extremely similarly titled 2003 found footage effort The Last Horror Movie, includes fake flick Caller in the Night.


Les Uns et les Autres (aka Bolero) and Cannibal Holocaust.
Lucio Fulci's 1982 controversial thriller The New York Ripper is loaded with grisly gore, and theatre marquees.

An American Werewolf in London and Night Hawks.
It should actually be Nighthawks.
60 Second Assassin and Revenge of the Bushido Blade.
Although visible in previous snap, this angle brings Final Exam and Slavers into sharper focus.
Prisoner of Pleasure is SEXational and SEXtacular.
After Way of the Dragon, Chuck Norris stars as drug kingpin in Slaughter in San Francisco aka Yellow Faced Tiger and Huang mian lao hu.
In cult classic Maniac (not the 2012 remake), we see adult 1977 comedy Baby Face.
The Hills Run Red (2009)features attractive looking urban legend Babyface.
During the video nasty crisis, I Spit on Your Grave and The Last House on the Left were banned in the UK.  Romano Scavolini's schizophrenic slasher Nightmare was no different.

The Street Fighter, Five Deadly Venoms and Kung Fu Massacre, akaThe Big Showdown.
Stir Crazy
Caligula
Manhunt aka The Italian Connection and The Four Assassins.
It's time for the piss to be taken.

Here's George (with ice hammer).
Here's Johnny (with axe).
Incredibly, the ending even stole from The Omen.

Smiling for the camera.
"Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666."
Dennis Hopper's Sicilian spiel to Christopher Walken's gangster type Vincenzo Coccotti is what everybody remembers in True Romance.

Sonny Chiba presents a triple bill of The Street Fighter, Return of the Street Fighter and Sister Street Fighter.
Rutger Hauer did star in other films apart from Blade Runner, and one of those was sci-fi Wedlock.

Graffiti Bridge and Marked for Death.
"You talkin' to me?"

"Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?"

1976 Scorsese classic Taxi Driver is one of the most important and influential films of all time.

Tired of transporting New York's scum and degenerates, De Niro's unstable Vietnam vet turned cabbie Travis Bickle eventually snaps.

Towards the end of James Wan's revenge thriller Death Sentence, the shootout scene is openly modelled on its famous climax.

Anyway, bold XXX entertainment wasn't exactly appreciated by cold and distant Betsy (Cybill Shepherd).

Sometime Sweet Susan and Kärlekens språk, aka Swedish Marriage Manual.
As a side note, Nature's Paradise featured in Carry on Camping.

Top Gun was cheesy and perfuntory, but I understand why it was such a soaring success.

For Tom Cruise's next box office smash, Brian Flanagan learns 'Coughlin's Law' in tedious drama Cocktail.

Still, 'here's looking at you kid'.

Casablanca
Red Dwarf IV episode Camille expertly parodied the 1942 b/w weepie as after Kryten and 'huge green blob' part company (wearing the shoes and high heels of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman respectively), Lister remarks 'this could be the start of a beautiful friendship'.

Donnie Darko is either a stroke of fantastical genius or reeked of shit.

Whatever your opinion, S. Darko was unspeakably BAD.

The Evil Dead and The Last Temptation of Christ.
Without hesitating, you'd immediately associate Francis Ford Coppala with?

No, not bastard Dracula.

The correct answer should be The Godfather and Apocalypse Now.

Slushy but funny romance Zack and Miri referred to the latter as Acockandlips Now.

The Outsiders starred unappreciated gang warfare and teenage hormones.

Beach Blanket Bingo and Muscle Beach Party.
Who stole 'c' in the latter?  Err...
In the original 1989 live action adaptation of The Punisher, Dolph Lundgren was ideally cast as Marvel vigilante Frank Castle.

Its title sequence features Make Them Die Slowly.


If that doesn't ring your ding dong, maybe alias Cannibal Ferox will?

Oh well.

Don Siegel's Dirty Harry was one of THE films of the 70s.

Of course it's down to 'that' quote, but Andy Robinson gave a blistering and frightening performance as psychopathic killer Scorpio.

Even today, many are still probably blissfully unaware that albeit with altered circumstances, Fatal Attraction cloned Play Misty for Me.

As Siegel previously directed Eastwood in Coogan's Bluff and Two Mules for Sister Sara, 'arranging' to display Callahan's directorial debut was probably done out of respect rather than to feed ego.
He and Eastwood would again work together in Escape from Alcatraz.
Just before I run out of credit, whatever you do - don't mention the 'v' word.

You mean vampire?

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Near Dark has our man Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) wondering 'what the fuck is that thing in the sky?'

Baddies Lance Henriksen, Jenette Goldstein and Bill Paxton starred in James Cameron's xenomorphic action juggernaut Aliens a year earlier in 1986.
Tune in next time for the big bastard grand finale.

(Don't leave us hanging, the suspense is killing us softly).

Okay, I suppose it'd be cruel to tease.

How do teenagers typically brighten up a bedroom wall?

Yeah, cover wallpaper with film posters...
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Video games Lost in Translation - Crumpet

January 11, 2015, 3:28 pm
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No screeming at moniter or similar electronic hardware bursting with power because life is hoppy to hang brighter than new burn star drunk in blanket of dark knight.

Yesterday's future today so process objetive without fainting.

Commando (Arcade)

Congratulation, your first duty finished and on this evidence, the second duty is likely to go the same way.
Several duties later, your finished and on behalf of the entire platoon - thank Christ.
Over to the NES port.

To Your or not to 'You're'?  That is the question.
Art of Fighting (Neo Geo)
This information is dogshit, missing a capital 'D'. 
Cabal (Arcade)
They attempted to court-martial this guy for not returning to headquaters to begin another mission but the case was thrown out when the CPS realised the bastard place didn't exist.
The Office of the Commander was subsequently abolished.
Labyrinth (Apple II)

You remind me of the babe. What babe? Babe with the power? What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Before Maniac Mansion et al, Lucasfilm took an alternative view of Jim Henson's 1986 classic fantasy by retaining the film's principle and chars (less Sarah and Toby), but had Jareth challenging a cinema-going boy to escape his labyrinth.

Anyway, take a look at each of these screens.





Get the picture?

A?  Exactly.  It's almost like it was done on purpose.

Here's the arguably better looking C64 game that doesn't have 'weoknesses'.


The MSX2 version by Pack-In-Video modelled itself on Lucasfilm's effort with a different visual style and the Famicom game was basically a Zelda clone.

Spinal Breakers (Arcade)

Figthing would have me feeling knackered too.
Come on then, what's so dreadful about the Hildroids?
Oh yeah, some bilge about missile bases and 'the yeare ago.'
Bonze Adventure (Arcade)

For those who have visited a dilapidated cemetry (backyard or otherwise), cease drinking curry flavoured diesel.
This ending spiel was doing so well until it became 'devine'
I wonder if Creamy Tetsu (laughs) was responsible for typing 'creater'?
Or maybe it was his learned friend, Crazy-assed motherfucker Yoshikawa. 
Athena (Arcade)

'Why don't you join me again?'
What, and partake in another dranatic adventure?
Thanks, but no thanks.
Take that congraturation and stick it right up your King of Fighters shining crystal bit.
Metal Stoker (PC Engine)

I taked a vacation and nobody never dared fuck with me again.
Next to be continued ..
Err, was this supposed be some kind of sequel threat?
Double Dragon (Arcade)
All that violence must have corrupted progrmmers and animeter but designer and music somehow escaped without a scratch.
Unbelievable.
Ghostbusters (NES)
This prooves why the justice system is more fucked than offering conglaturation at an awards ceremony.
SD Fighter (Arcade)
They made an excutive mistake.
Bucky 'O Hare (NES)
Oh no, we've been atacked and guess what, even the righteous don't care.
Shadow Force (Arcade)

The text is small but amusing goofs are far larger.
Kai is a kombo stick wheeling descendant of Iga ninja.
Why is the 'i' in wheeling the only letter to be in lower case?  In fact, it's the only letter on the entire screen to be in lower case.  AMAZING!
What is a 'kombo' stick and was wheeling meant to be 'wielding'?
Tengu is described as a 'cybog' and not a cyborg.
In regards to Coyote, 'due to reconstructive surgery by teser'.
I can't begin to imagine what a 'teser' is and more to the point - what the FUCK?
Blunet is 'the only femaie worrior. Uses tro swords as her weapon'
Come on, you're laughing, right?
The enemy's building at the construction site was completed on schedule because nobody was prepared to destory it. 
Bionic Commando (Arcade)

Mission acomplished.
They rebuiled the world to maintain peace.
Instead, it fell apart and never recovered.
The Ninja Kids (Arcade)

Valid variations of 'fly' are flew and flown.
'Flied', as in a 'fly ball' is a baseball term, but this ain't silly boys rounders...
People call them as "NINJA KIDS" makes about as much sense as manufacturing sausage rolls in a cream cake factory.
Announcing the resurrection of 'the' Satan is soon obviously excites these Ku Klux Klan wannabes but what about the giant gaffe they're about to reveal?
I'd pronounce 'ckeck' as 'queck', or bollocks.
Riot Zone (PC Engine)
To answer his question.
"Jammed up your ass with a rusty nail."
Golden Axe (PC Engine)
I swown to get even with Death equals Adder, in this life or the next.
Incidentally, the arcade original did get it right.


The 1989 Master System port focused only on Tarik (previously only known as Ax Battler).


For some reason, Sega applied a number of differences.

1. The map is no longer owned by 'Sega'
2. Dialogue is altered
3. They recoloured the arrow; and
4. Reinvented villain as Death minus Adder

Why? Why? Why?

Cyber-Lip (Neo Geo)
I wasn't insane, but now I'm insain.
Every cloud and all that.
Arnie 2 (C64)
'Retrieve' is one of those words that insists on the 'i before the e, except after c' rule and saying the writers of this piss poor sequel had their minds on other things is no excuse.
The Fairyland Story (Arcade)

I wonder how long... it took them to fuck up?
Answer: This journey in the castle.
I'm sure we'll get over it.
Cross Wiber Cyber Combat Police (PC Engine)
Thanks to Cross Wiber's well armed, well organized top special inspecter interfering, things didn't go as planed for Doma.
Actually, he failed because his beast troops weren't deproyed quickly enough.
Ninja Masters (Neo Geo)
In case you didn't know, pressing B & C 'button' simultaneousty to draw a weapon is a fantastic way to unwind.
Avengers (Arcade)
Congragarations!
You've just found the ideal excuse to neck a bottle of vodka.
Akira (Amiga)
Some things are best left burried, like this game for instance.
Billy Bong (Spectrum)
If it's all the same with you, I'd prefer to choose a letter.
Continental Circus (Arcade)
Sharing a moment like this is something I'll never forget.
Placing hand on still beating heart - I give spacial thanks.
Ninja Warriors (Arcade)
You say want a revorution, well you know, and everything became to an end.
If Lennon/McCartney had penned these lyrics, it would be considered genius.
Savage Reign (Neo Geo)
Suck my duck and fun tou foul funster!
Sengoku (Neo Geo)
I've heard of playing to the crowd but this is ridiculous.
Present also needed my mate 'ed' but he was sick, rather like SNK.  
Space Gun (Arcade)
Should we give ourselves up because some space shuttle was destoroyed?
Hell no, I don't eat shit for nobody.
Thunder Cross (Arcade)
Completely crushing the evil forces of the Black 'Inpulse' may be a relief but the menacing threat to mankind had been aferted is surely a greater concern.
Conpragudations%

Thanks to your bravery, the purple-faced burp bottom monster/ was devastrated and planet can rest angrily.

However, the forses of evil are bound to rose again so be sure to stay fit and alert.

Gratitude extinded to playing time.
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Slithering snakes - what a coincidence!

April 29, 2015, 3:38 pm
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Some sequels are likely to shame the original.

This is not one of those situations...

Indulge.

The box art of 1993 slasher Nostril Picker suggests content is about homicidal knife-wielding maniac inserting whichever digit up his hooter before and/or after each murder.


It couldn't be further from the fucking truth as in exchange for alcohol, loner learns mysterious chant from street guzzler which transforms him into a girl, so he can lure and kill other females of species.

If that's weird, take a look at Garbage Pail Kids.


Snooty Sam is obvious parody but Explorin' Norman takes things to extremes.

Every GPK card has a 'twin'.  In this case, opposites are Drillin' Dylan and U.S. Arnie.

Dale Snail and Tiny Tim are about to be mercifully crushed underfoot, just like chicken and Chuckie Egg from 1983.



You could also link Tiny Tim to 1989 family sci-fi Honey, I Shrunk the Kids as Rick Moranis's offspring are accidentally shrunk.

Created in 1999, girlies who literally j'adore Dior perfume will agree neck isn't short of a few rings.

Take a look at Larry Lips and elongated neck.


Using a combination of concave mirror and large CRT, Time Traveler projected 'holographic' imagery and therefore, a bold and clever experiment from arcade giants Sega.

Designed by Dragon's Lair geezer Rick Dyer, survival was predictably pedantic and down to how fruit machines work - luck rather than skill.

Swapping FMV for sprite, despicable one on one fighter Holosseum was the next to use identical setup.

On completion, you received this medal.
Here's how others flexed biceps.

Total Recall (C64)
Tecmo's Shadow Warriors was produced by Strong team in 1988.


Yeah, all fucked up.

Lily Allen paraphrases relationship break-up for album It's Not Me, It's You.


In this garment, Homer lolls in similar fashion.


Apart from Bloodsport, I'm sure many would agree that A.W.O.L. is probably Van Damme's best film.

This dude provides modest opposition for Lyon.
Credits state N.Y. "Monster" Fighter to be James Brewster Thompson.
Atari's Pit Fighter featured baddie Southside Jim.


Also starring as 'Toots' in pseudo 1992 scrolling follow-up Guardians of the 'Hood, James Thompson is bad-ass bastard, . 
Is it the same guy?

Who the fuck knows.

Originally released for C64 in 1988 with 16 bits following a year later, The Dungeon of Drax, (Palace's sequel to Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior) sacrificed moves for monsters and exploration.

Given half a chance, this dinosaur like creature will punish player by gobbling head.


Could it be possible that Henrietta's stop motion monster from Evil Dead II was stolen?


The prosecution says no.

Dodgier than a backstreet deal, but...

New Order - Lost Sirens (2013)
Abstract art from Paul Klee.

New Harmony (1936)
Choose any set of 3x3 and try to mimic New Order's art on painting.

All I can say is - good luck...

Brilliant but troubled Australian Olympic swimmer Ian Thorpe is nicknamed 'Thorpedo'.
One of the baddies in Tad 'Cabal' Corporation's 1989 run and gun arcade Toki was for some reason also named so.


Ha ha ha!

Natalie Portman made her memorable debut in Luc Besson's Leon, but rose to prominence as Queen Amidala in the Star Wars prequel trilogy.

December 2015 and Episode VII is a galaxy far, far away....

I'd suggest photo was probably taken around 1999.


Ultra Violent Worlds was a 1998 CD32 shmup.  Commander Honcho orders you to join her for a special "de-briefing" upon your return to Earth.


Is that some kind of sexual inference?

Maybe it was based on her but I seriously doubt it.

I'd normally wouldn't hesitate in slamming the following, but because of what they'd be stood accused of...

Observe arrow and game completion screen to C64 X-Out (1989) and Amiga (1990) respectively.


Bored of spaceship? Well fear not, as a zap later from your 'tranquilander' on certain enemy robots in Atlus's 1992 arcade BlaZeon permits the role of bio-cyborg.

Final boss could almost form part of alien landscape.


Atlus ripping this off would make no fucking sense.

Palette change aside, SNES interpreted monster perfectly.


The 16 bit sequel Z-Out was only made available for Amiga and Atari ST in 1991.

Boss threat comes from as above, so below.


Following standard boss on stage 6, a unique surprise followed in the superb 1988 PC Engine port of R-Type.  In 1991, Japanese exclusive R-Type Complete CD on Super CD also followed suit.


Alien shenanigans are prevalent in J. J. Abrams very decent 2011 sci-fi thriller Super 8.


Piloted by Devilotte, Super-8 is one of several mech opponents you'll face in Cyberbots: Fullmetal Madness, the spin-off to 1994 scrolling mayhem Armored Warriors.


Courtesy of Super 8 footage, Scott Derrickson's Sinister delivered supernatural shocks.

The sequel is out in August.

Rarities is a 2010 album from Emiliana Torrini.


From crocodiles to elephants and even fossils, 1995 sequel Bubble Memories: The Story of Bubble Bobble III chose to digitise numerous backgrounds.

Like this one for instance.


Ignoring ports, remakes and compilations, the only thing that baffles more is the naming of Taito's classic franchise.

Originally on PC Engine in 1991 and later on Game Boy in 1992, Parasol Stars were both subbed The Story of Bubble Bobble III, so the sequel to Rainbow Islands.

As already established, Taito would give Bubble Memories the same bastard subtitle.

Parasol Stars on Amiga told The Story of Rainbow Islands II.

WHAT?

Did Ocean not know about the other ports?

Yes, it's the same thing but even so.

Released for Game Boy and NES in 1993, Bubble Bobble Part 2 did nothing to improve this debacle.

Next came Bubble Symphony, (aka Bubble Bobble II) in 1994, which leads me to cough bamboozled blood.

Does this prequel Part 2 or perversely, follow Rainbow Islands?

Even if that's right, two fingers are still flashed at logic because rewinding to 1987, Rainbow Islands was The Story of Bubble Bobble II.

And you thought Mega Man and Final Fantasy was bad.

Time for some crazy lookalikes.

Busty fan thrower and girlfriend of Andy Bogard debuted in SNK's Fatal Fury 2.
Mai Shiranui, look at the box art for Starbyte's 1990 puzzler Logo.


Meet Neil from 2012 stop-motion horror comedy ParaNorman. 
He has a long lost relative (just not as squashed).

Brett Kelly is simply known as 'The Kid' in outrageous 2003 festive comedy Bad Santa.
Also...

Along with the help of pint-sized Marcus (Tony Cox), Billy Bob Thornton's disgraceful drunk Willie fleece department stores.
Chris Mess was another professional thief.


Treasure hunter Nathan 'Nate' Drake gets in (and out of) all manner of death defying scrapes in the Uncharted series.
A Thief's End will apparently conclude matters on PS4.
Are Naughty Dog spinning us a yarn? Maybe not.
With writing obviously stylised and obviously inspired by Indiana Jones, Bush Buck was a global treasure hunter from 1990.
Expect actual game to be maps, education and lots of text.
I was never a fan of tv show Bucky o'Hare and the Toad Wars! but boy genius Willy duWitt was handy to have around.


Konami's representation in their epic 1992 arcade.
'The Milkybars are on him' (in the 70s).
Running joke this one.

Lovable oaf Peter Griffin is everybody's favourite Family Guy.
PDC player Stephen Bunting exploits strange mirror match by using Surfin' Bird for walk on music.


Bent Svennson in 2010 PC point and click A New Beginning should chew it shit over with...
...Terry from The Cleveland Show.
Released for Amiga in 1995, Gloom was the first recognised Doom clone.


Either gun-toting grunt looks like...

Colonel Quaritch (Stephen Lang) from Avatar.
Remember him as reporter Freddy Lounds in Manhunter?

If so, well done.

No physical resemblance here, but something else raises eyebrows.

Chuck Norris stars as Garrett in 1991 action popcorn The Hitman.
Note silly hairstyle.
Van Damme's sailor Chance Boudreaux becomes literally a Hard Target for Lance Henriksen's gang of sadistic hunters.
Note even dafter barnet. 
Preposterous tribute?

Only John Woo or Brussel's muscles will know.

Films, songs, albums, television shows and video games can often be duplicated in name, but that's when connection instantly ends.

Observe how it also extends to character names.

Ken Masters

Twisted Metal 2
Street Fighter series
Max

Man's Best Friend (1993)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Or 'Wolfie'...
And.

Macross: Scrambled Valkyrie, Zamuse 1993 (SNES)
Billy Cole

(Billy Blanks), The Last Boy Scout (1991)
(Jonathan Stark), Fright Night (1985)
Just so we're clear, there isn't an equivalent in the 2011 remake.
Loosely based on the Stephen King novel (under the pseudonym of Richard Bachman), The Running Man (1987) was adapted for the screen by Paul Michael Glaser.  Schwarzenegger was the obvious choice to portray Ben Richards.

Unless you've seen the film and more importantly remember the scene, you'll have to trust me on this.

When stalker Dynamo (Erland Van Lidth) begins chasing Richards in his space buggy, Richard Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries plays (uncredited).
Released on Spectrum in 1984, Moon Alert was inspired by and/or based on the 1982 Irem arcade Moon Patrol.

Notorious difficulty aside, one remembers title screen for... well take a guess.

0:00 - 0:04 provides very brief (but enough) proof.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70k20LB24ck


Can somebody please tell me why scene of action flick with 'sameish' buggy is set against the identical piece of classical music?

Thought not.

Here's four, that's right - four colourful and very similar looking CD albums.

Alex Reece - So Far and Brian Eno - My Life in the Bush of Ghosts


Stereophonics - Language. Sex. Violence. Other? and City and Colour - Little Hell


If that wasn't great enough - take a deep breath.

Finished? Good.

8 bit junkies will fondly remember how C64 games could silently and psychedelically load.


UNBELIEVABLE!

I love this one.  I fucking love it, and I'm sure there's nothing in it.

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not has tea boy Chris McClure and friend of Arctic Monkeys puffing away on cancer stick.


Albeit with opposite hand, George Harrison practises the same habit to relieve the stress of A Hard Day's Night.


Whenever People Say I'm A Genius, Is When I Blush.

In name at least, the soon to be devoured Fran Furter is more than likely an intentional reference to Rocky Horror sweet transvestite Dr Frank N. Furter (parodied as play-on words Rock E. Horror).
Pile of shit horror comedy Gnaw has me chomping at the bit for another reason.


Concluding matters, the mosaic on brickwall of Tecmo's 1988 arcade Shadow Warriors features Marilyn Monroe, but who else?


Bo Selecta! That's impossible, but it sure as shit looks like Leigh Francis, now known more affectionately as Keith Lemon.


Based on actual unknown or product of imagination?

We will never know.

Listen boys and girls - it's perfectly okay to marvel at such amazing stuff and rest assured, it will continue...
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Unfriended - The scoop and digest

May 7, 2015, 1:07 pm
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For most, social networking is like oxygen - we can't live without it.

So-called 'cyber' thrillers are ten a penny but unlike Chatroom (which makes watching paint dry seem exciting), Panic Button is worth clicking out.

Want to know why Smiley was given the time of day?

I did it for lulz.

Found footage is given fresh impetus as fear is literally posted online.

Virus free or corrupted hard drive?

Let's logon.

Plot details and/or spoilers will appear in multiple windows.

Downloading cast data...

Shelley Hennig - Blaire
Will Peltz - Adam
Renee Olstead - Jess
Jacob Wysocki - Ken
Moses Jacob Storm - Mitch
Courtney Halverson - Val

In Fresno, California, Laura Barns committed suicide due to receiving relentless online abuse after the posting of a Youtube video.

Basically, she got absolutely smashed at a party and fouled herself.

Childhood friend Blaire watches her death on 'Broadcast Yourself' but is interrupted by video call from boyfriend Mitch.

Smoking Ken, gun-toting Adam and juicy Jess soon hook up and the gristle is chewed over teenage shit chat.

However, faceless account billie227 raises eyebrows.

Messages sent from Laura's Facebook begin to increasingly disturb and when Blaire tries to 'unfriend' the account, chat-crasher isn't impressed.

Chat-crasher? I like it.

They invite and accuse the unpopular Val of pranking them, which of course she denies.

Despite using every cyber trick in the book, they can't get rid; so Val calls 911 to report electronic abuse.

Val's video feed cuts out and she reappears in a catatonic state.

The law arrives and scanner code 10-56 reveals cause of death was suicide.

We are led to believe that downing a bottle of bleach was against her will.

Could a supernatural and malevolent force be responsible?

(Shrugs shoulders).

Ignoring warnings from 'Laura', Ken takes the bull by the bollocks and emails each user Trojan Horse software hoping to remove vicious troll.

Get the fuck in there because it's gone, but like a persistent and bad penny...

Perspective now switches to Ken's room and after locating the video's source behind lattice, he's not alone.

'Blending' in with electrical appliance ends interest.

The gang are forced to play a game of Never Have I Ever, and death goes to the loser.

For the benefit of those who care, Would You Rather was made into impressive torture porn.

Anyway, Laura assumes the role of quizmaster and dark revelations amongst friends force the truth will out.

Blaire cheated on Mitch with Adam and after philanderers receive messages on respective printers, Mitch practically explodes.

It was one night and didn't mean anything.  Whatever.  Spare us the bullshit BITCH!

'If you reveal this note, Adam will die'.  Blaire buckles under pressure from Mitch to produce paper and Adam turns his gun on himself.

His print-out read the same, but would kill Blaire instead.

Jess can't take this shit anymore and locks herself in the bathroom.

Like that's gonna do any good.

Sure enough, the poor cow is soon choking on smouldering curling tongs.

Laura posts evidence with the caption of 'Looks like she finally STFU'.

Don't know what means? Shut the fuck up!

And then there were two.

Blaire gives Mitch up over who posted the video in the first place and he quickly gets the point by large knife.

Laura uploads the 'unedited' video showing Blaire as camerawoman.

We knew that from the bastard beginning...

Can Laura forgive and forget? Blaire doesn't stand a ghost of a chance.

Laptop is closed and Laura provides stock jump scare.

Verdict? Pretty good.

It's your typical teen slasher, but the concept of e-communication is very well executed.

Despite dissolving into predictability, I wouldn't be at all surprised if a spate of cheap straight to DVD rip offs surface.

In principle, the similarities with Jon Wright's 2009 BBC funded thriller Tormented is a strange coincidence.

Darren Mullet (Calvin Dean) is bullied until he committed suicide but death doesn't stop him exacting bloody revenge on his tormentors.

Even if you've never seen it, that should be enough to have heads nodding in agreement.

Aside from head honcho Bradley (Adam Pettyfer), Peter Amory (better known as wheelchair-condemned Chris Tate of Emmerdale fame), also stars in relative obscruity.

Summing up, Leban Gabriadze's viral flick is clichéd and never frightening, but most importantly - massively watchable.
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A tasty quesidella of video game miscellany that mix nicely with others

May 17, 2015, 2:33 pm
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Savour each sip and enjoy every bite as seamless variety once again takes centre stage in the most action-packed entry yet.

Unless stated, all screens are from insert coin and Boris Vallejo provides the meat of artwork.

To begin, nearly the same, but different titles and names.

Boogeyman and Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure (SNES)


Shang Fei (Dynasty Wars) and Xiang Fei (debuted in Real Bout Fatal Fury 2)


Shao Khan (debuted in Mortal Kombat II) and Shere Khan (The Jungle Book)


The fearsome tiger was drawn by my good self years back.

Buju (Urotsukidoji: Return of the Overfiend) and Buchu (Yie ar Kung-Fu)


Exterminator and The Exterminator


Exterminator
Broken Sword (franchise) and The Broken Sword



Burning and The Burning


Colossus and The Colossus (eventually credited to Asensio Julia, student of Francisco Goya)


Only a vowel separates this final pair.

Sex Machine (Tom Savini) from Robert Rodriguez's cult classic From Dusk Till Dawn.
Six Machine (Viewtiful Joe, Gamecube/PS2)
The following are all unrelated films.

Torment, Tormented and The Torment;
Abduction, Abducted and The Abducted; and
Fear, In Fear and The Fear.

Stupid but true.

I could go on but...

Dangun Feveron is your typical Cave bullet hell shmup with a 'disco' theme.

Fancy going Nightclubbing with Iggy Pop?

Trainspotting? Maybe later.

Okay, in the meantime...

Streets of Rage 3 aka Bare Knuckle 3 (Mega Drive)
Fatal Fury Special (Neo Geo)
Final Doom (Various)
The Revenge of Shinobi (Mega Drive)
In the slow-burning, but totally absorbing PS3 adventure Heavy Rain; Madison seduces shady nightclub boss Paco Mendez by performing a sexy dance at the Blue Lagoon.   
Same principle, different taste.

1. Substance

Actraiser (SNES)
Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts (SNES)
2. Ending

Axelay (SNES)
Hellfire 
3. Things are about to get uzi.

Mechanized Attack, SNK 1989


Operation Wolf, Taito 1987


Sega's Line of Fire pulls the trigger of familiarity.


Resident Evil 4 and Haunting Ground were made practically at the same time, so it's no surprise that Ashley and Fiona from respective adventures are very similar.


Equally, Rebecca in the phenomenal Gamecube remake of Resident Evil is a distant relative of Fiona.


Complete with bandana, live action Rambo wannabe (Linda) gave us a smile and little else in the 1996 PS1 original.
Going further back in time, the masters are at it again.

Anonymous gratitude from blonde in Forgotten Worlds.
Last Duel was also released in 1988.
Moving on, open mouthed and sharp toothed.

Wolfen and Airbourne - Black Dog Barking


Posters for Attack the Block and Wilderness


Brace yourselves, because the following are in for a shock.

In underrated 1986 comedy horror classic Chopping Mall, Killbots (created by Robert Short), go on the rampage after an electrical storm.

"Thank you.  Have a nice day."
Dick Miller might as well have changed his name by deed poll to 'Walter Paisley'.
Endo (Al Leong) gives Riggs (Mel Gibson) an unwanted charge in Lethal Weapon.
Stallone prison farce Lock Up sees model prisoner Frank Leone transferred from Norwood to Gateway that Drumgoole (Donald Sutherland) describes as 'the worst shithole in the system'.
The corrupt warden is placed in, but doesn't meet a sticky end...  
In the Pit of Despair, Westley (Cary Elwes) is tortured by 'The Machine' in fantastic Rob Reiner fairytale The Princess Bride.
For shits and giggles, PDC thrower James Wade's nickname is also 'The Machine'.

Revolver Ocelot takes great pleasure in charging protagonist's torso in the sublime but short-lived Metal Gear Solid on PS1.
After a succession of trademark Van Damme spin kicks, Moon (Bolo Yeung) from Double Impact succumbs to x amount of volts.
Amongst other things, the 1993 SNES port of Total Carnage was heavily censored and didn't include the arcade's amusing electric chair sequence.

Here's why Nintendo got their knickers in a twist.




Horrified? Offended? You should be embarrassed.

Aside from Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons, 1986 heavy metal horror Trick or Treat, (not to be confused with 2007 horror anthology Trick 'r Treat), antagonist Sammi Curr was also powered by electricity which means in principle, Wes Craven stole the idea for Shocker and Howard Pinker.
Cover art doesn't have much to do with 1996 point and click Toonstruck, but artist made a decent job of representing Christopher Lloyd.
The execution of John Coffey in The Green Mile brought a lump to everybody's throat.
According to state law, a prisoner sentenced to death by electric chair, who survives three jolts of 15,000 volts each for 45 seconds, must be set free.

While that is pure fiction, it sets an interesting premise for Uwe Boll's below par 2007 slasher Seed.

Sufferton serial killer Max Seed (Will Sanderson) just won't die and predictably seeks bloody revenge on those responsible.
I know it's only a film, but prisoners have their head shaved so barnet doesn't ignite. 
Lasting for several minutes, Seed systematically bludgeons a woman tied in a chair with a lumberjack's axe.  To be fair, CGI is kinda effective.

1991 System 3 S.C.I. thing Turbo Charge on C64 featured great graphics, a sense of speed and attractive in-game screens.

However, running out of fuel with more just up ahead was really FUCKING ANNOYING.

The ending is thusly.


Head of lion, wings of bat and tail of scorpion is how mythological creature manticore can be represented.

Check out boss and/or regular enemy.

Actraiser (SNES) and Cadash


Dungeons & Dragons: Tower of Doom
Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (GBA)
Presenting the famous cover of Janet Morris's book High Couch of Silistra.
Out of five, Konami is the only fan of what I suggest.

For more coincidence, the wheels are turning.

Actraiser (SNES)
Kenseiden (Master System)
Shadow Dancer: The Secret of Shinobi (Mega Drive)
Ocean stole from Sonic with the title screen of SNES game Mr. Nutz, not to be confused with less linear and far superior Amiga effort subbed Hoppin' Mad.


Dracula in Namco's Vampire Night clearly screwed Hanged Man from The House of the Dead.


Starring Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer, What Lies Beneath is a supernatural mystery thriller.

I've just directed the sequel - What Hides Underneath.

Nitin Sawhney - Human and Red - Faces


The Frighteners and The Beast Within: A Gabriel Knight Mystery


Mindshadow and The Evil Inside


Spandex is flexible and stretches like a bitch...

Errors of the Human Body and The Pact


Did both steal the effect from the original A Nightmare on Elm Street?


Err, possibly?

Flesh was one of the original stories to appear in 2000AD.

'Hag monster' Old One Eye ate her son Satanus.

Offspring was later cloned by scientists as an exhibit for a national dinosaur park.

That sounds absolutely nothing like the idea for Spielberg's Jurassic Park...

Here's more eye candy.

Mike Wazowski (Monsters, Inc and Monsters University)
Well Despicable Me, look at Minion on the right. 
Using 'another' CD, PS1's RAM and some kind of incredibly clever programming technique, dictates which critter you'll create, raise and breed in Monster Rancher.
Shuma Gorath (Marvel universe)
I believe Marvel Super Heroes was his video game debut.
A conversation about Space Harrier will inevitably lead to mentioning the solitary eyed wooly mammoth.
Like rock, tree or structure, its job was oncoming obstacle.
Stop motion magician Ray Harryhausen brought the cyclops to life in 1958 classic The 7th Voyage of Sinbad.  The poor bastard goes down fighting with a dragon.
During the title sequence of Treehouse of Horror XXIV, Chief Wiggum references and parodies the one-eyed beast.
I'm not sure if One-Eyed Jack is supposed to be a direct parody of Sinbad, but whatever, he's a much earlier example.
Now visual aid appears in talking tackle.

End boss Lord Saddler reveals his true colours in Resident Evil 4.
When yer' ready pal...
An example of the Makai, the race of demons, in Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend.
Screaming Mad George provides the special effects for disgusting and impressive 1989 social horror satire Society.
Body horror From Beyond is worth more than your average H. P. Lovecraft adaptation.
Horror anthology The Theatre Bizarre was released in 2011 and Zero, single from Yeah Yeah Yeahs album It's Blitz! was conceived in 2009.



What the fuck?

You wouldn't think it, but DVD art can even steal from video games.

Examples include:

Deranged vs Silent Hill: Shattered Memories


The Battery vs Lost Planet 3


Could it be any son of a bitching similar?

Before pushing start, Kratos and God of War extends situation.


Much of what I bring is sick, but this will make you vomit.

Behold the 2009 remake of 1986 psychological slasher The Stepfather.

Admire geezer standing not so menacingly with blade at stairs peak.


Hey boys and girls, check this out.


HOLY SHIT!

Are you actually suggesting that whoever was responsible for artwork, basically ripped off an iconic camera angle from John Carpenter's 1978 seminal classic - even though it's a blink and you'll miss it moment?

(Nods head).

Wow, that's incredible.  You must be a professional.

(Frustrated growl)...

Resident Evil: Revelations did an awesome job of box-lifting Condemned 2: Bloodshot.

Its episodic sequel took 'inspiration' from BBFC nightmare Manhunt 2.


Also used in-game during Daniel's flashback of the Pickman Project
Want more burglary?

Okay.

Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare vs Tatsunoko vs Capcom: Ultimate All-Stars


On a lesser scale, Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe looks much the same when Mortal Kombat 3 became competitive.


Take a sneaky peek at The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.


Now compare 'split' to Evoga's Rage of the Dragons and SNK's The King of Fighters '95.


As tools, the overriding difference between Hatchet and Axe is the former can single-handedly deal with a situation and the latter gets moody unless held by two.

Oh yeah, you'll find the former is a franchise starring horror legends Kane Hodder and Robert Englund while t'other, is a standalone 1977 oddity that occasionally disturbs.


Surely it's 'impossible' to associate cover art with Commando.

You'd think so, but wait.

Before the explosions, preposterous stunts, gunfire and body count rises, this still is from the beginning.  I shit you not.
Men with golden guns.

Dead to Rights (PS2)
Deadstorm Pirates (PS3)
Steve Burnside holds a pair of Lugers in the zomtastic Resident Evil Code: Veronica.
Re-released for PS2 and Gamecube, extra cut scenes with Wesker hit the X spot.  
Best described as an oriental House of the Dead, Sega Golden Gun had you talk to peeps and buy items from a shop.
Of that title - how fucking original.
Stand up and show the utmost respect for a British legend.

The immortal knight Christopher Lee as antagonist Scaramanga in 1974 James Bond adventure, The Man with the Golden Gun.
Sticking with, but altering the trend, Uncharted: Golden Abyss was a PS Vita exclusive.

Originating on GBA, Golden Sun is a series of fantasy-based RPGs.

In film, you can have Goldeneye, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army and The Golden Child.

Etc etc.

Just for the hell of it, two more.

Secret char Gold War Machine becomes playable after entering a code in Marvel vs. Capcom: Clash of Super Heroes.
A golden idol is the carrot for Indy to risk life and limb in Raiders of the Lost Ark, still one of the greatest films of all time.
It's called karma asshole.
General hindrance Red Arremer later starred in his own spin-off series Gargoyle's Quest.  In 1988 sequel to Ghosts 'n Goblins, Ghouls 'n Ghosts, he waits patiently to swoop.


His background is perfect for a juicy ref.

Pyramid of Skulls - Paul Cézanne
Maybe this sketch inside the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis from The Evil Dead was inspired by Paul Cézanne's piece? 
Without getting into Snow White or WOW, here's my pick of dwarfs.

John Rhys-Davies as Gimli in The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Voiced by David Buck, the look of rotoscoped animation in 1978 is aptly demonstrated.
Beginning as table top RPG, Dungeons & Dragons became a phenomenon.

Not too long after its inception, most should remember the classic 80s cartoon series.

Dubbed 'Requiem', the final episode was written but as the show was cancelled, never shown.

Selfish bastards.

Suffice to say, the live action adaptation was fucking atrocious and Jeremy Irons must have been hard up to star in such a piece of shit.

Unfortunately, Michael Caine and Jaws: The Revenge wasn't a bad dream...

Adapted from Dragons of Despair, 1988 computer game Heroes of the Lance (Amiga version shown) sees Caramon (warrior), Goldmoon (cleric), Riverwind (outcast of Que-Shu tribe) and Flint Fireforge are four of eight playables attempting to recover the Disks of Mishakal.


FPS Slayer on 3DO blew me away and one of few highlights in Panasonic's fantastic flop or self-proclaimed Interactive Multiplayer.

Capcom secured the rights to create two coin gobbling outings.

Tower of Doom (1993)
Shadow over Mystara (1996)
Although similar to Arthurian based scroller Knights of the Round and more so Magic Sword, 1991 fantasy scroller The King of Dragons wasn't anything to do with TSR, but employed chars and monsters straight from a D & D adventure.

So unless some kind of deal was made behind the scenes, foundations were already laid in preparation for a licence they hadn't yet obtained.

100% muscle but level does not advance too quickly?
Well, I suppose you gotta take the rough with the smooth.
In Sega's hack and slash classic Golden Axe, those concerned had every right to be pissed off with Death=Adder, who bears a striking resemblance to Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer.

He (my brother) died screaming you fuck.
His great grandson Gillius Rockhead featured in 1994 one on one spin-off The Duel.
Exploring the juiciest video game references in Wreck-It Ralph concludes a journey of eclectic proportions.

Villains such as Neff (Altered Beast), Kano (Mortal Kombat), Bowser (Mario) and Clyde (Pac-Man) are given the chance to empathise and get things of their CGI chests.
"Aerith Lives" and "All your base are belong to us" relate to Final Fantasy VII and a phrase more broken than shattered glass from the Mega Drive port of Zero Wing.
While translation deserves its place in folklore, I think Samurai Shodown II states more spectacular bullshit.

Is this spiel referring to central protagonist Haohmuru?
Either way, 'his' bloody life makes no fucking sense.   

"All creature will die and all the things will be broken.  That's the law of samurai."

Shakespeare would blush.

Red mushrooms force iconic sound bite and make Mario Super.
In Mario Kart, you'll receive a boost 
Exclamation mark and 'noise' indicates an enemy has spotted Snake in Metal Gear Solid. Oi Ralph - GET OUTTA THERE!
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start equals the Konami cheat code.
Gamers believed Sheng Long was a hidden char and became the basis for Gouken.

Featuring mash ups of Sonic and 8 bit Mario, Director Rich Moore says the ringleaders for ending sequence were Clay Kaytis and Malcon Pierce, with his Animation Team running with them.  Art Directors Mike Gabriel and Ian Gooding also contributed.

'Executive Produced' is surely their own personal swipe at 'Engrish'. 
Ken's stage was presumably somebody's favourite background, hence why Blanka comically electrocutes Ralph in the U.S.A. and not his homeland of Brazil.
Or, they simply didn't care.
Ralph and Vanellope lend Ryu a hand to 'break car'.
Oh sorry, that's Final Fight.
Note the boat and inanimate flag has been edited out.
Call me arrogant, but few would notice something REALLY weird about Ryu.


Obviously I'm not gonna leave you hanging.

Please compare victory pose to arcade (left) and SNES original (right).


You can see neither are the same.

So is it arcade's improved sprite seen in Champion and/or Hyper Fighting?


Close, but no cigar.

For some fucking bizarre reason, it's actually lifted from one of three console ports.

Three?

Yes, because apart from palette change - they're IDENTICAL.

From left to right and for clarification purposes, here's the proof in pixels.

PC Engine (Champion Edition), SNES (Turbo) and Mega Drive (Special Champion Edition).


It begs the question - why bother going to the trouble of crossing arcade with console?

Finally, if you look very, very closely - arcade's clenched fist has four fingers, but home console only display three.

You can stop calling me a mega geek now.  Ha ha ha!

Until the next meal is served...
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Mad Max: Fury Road - The scoop and digest

May 21, 2015, 2:12 pm
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30 years after Beyond Thunderdrome (and Tina Turner), Director George Miller finally overcomes 'development hell' and reboots his own post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Mel Gibson's time has passed.  The road warrior has a new face.

Plot details and/or spoilers will be baron and desolate.

What a lovely day for:

Tom Hardy - Max
Charlize Theron - Imperator Furiosa
Nicholas Hoult - Nux
Hugh Keays-Byrne - Immortan Joe

In a world shy of hope and dominated by despair, ex cop Max is haunted by visions of failing to protect his family.

Our man is captured by the War Boys and designate him as blood donor to treat poorly geezer Nux.

Leading an army of hundreds and thousands, tyrannical dictator Immortan Joe rules the Citadel roost while his five wives (specially selected for breeding), are 'employed' to pass on the warlord gene.

Furiosa is ordered to collect fuel but her and armoured shithouse War Rig takes a slight detour with expectant mothers.

Joe is naturally pissed and sets out to retrieve stolen property.

Muzzled like Hannibal Lecter, poor old Max rides on the hood of Nux's vehicle who continues to supply the red stuff.

Don't worry, he's not a vampire.

An explosive battle ensues and after waking from the devastation of a sandstorm, he and Furiosa lock horns.

After a brief scuffle, Max attempts to steal the Rig.

Kill switch eh? Clever girl.

I guess there's enough room for Furiosa and the power of five after all.

Joe and co's pursuit is temporarily thwarted by a recently collapsed canyon, as detonated by a biker gang.

However, monster trucks can climb such obstacles...

Still peeved at not receiving gasoline, the biker gang target revenge but are dealt with accordingly.

Nux scrambles aboard the Rig and shielding Furiosa, one of Joe's heavily pregnant wives is tagged and subsequently flattened by husband's vehicle.

Furiosa speaks of a childhood memory, where she was born.  Lush and verdant - a 'Green' place.

They pass a swamp, inhabited by crow-like creatures on stilts.

During a meeting with members of Furiosa's former clan, she is horrified to learn that birthplace is anything but caw blimey...

In a moment of clarity, Max convinces them to floor it back to the Citadel.

Sounds like a cracking idea, but there may be trouble in reverse.

Is he insane in the membrane? Apparently not.

Max fights with Joe's son Rictus and Furiosa attaches a chain to spinning wheels, ripping Joe's face off.

Nux commits suicide by destroying the Rig and Rictus is killed in the process.

Arriving at the Citadel, the production of Joe's body is met with jubilation.

Furiosa is apparently welcomed by young War Dogs and Max melts into the crowd.

Adrenaline-pumping exhilaration gives us little opportunity to breathe.

It would be easy to let metronomic CGI handle stunts and effects, but as the vast majority are practical - I heap kudos.

Crew cut and slapped with warpaint, Theron is a near revelation and hits all the right notes as spunky survivalist.

As head honcho, Hardy lacks charisma and even seems disinterested.

Maybe I missed a brilliant performance?

Hoult is neither likable or irritating, so I guess watchable.

Did we need mutants straight from The Hills Have Eyes?

Bollocks!

Returning from 1979 original, Keays-Byrne is transformed from Toecutter to oxygen reliant Joe, whose mask may draw comparisons to Bane.

While set-pieces are often spectacular, this isn't The Raid 2.

Although rumoured, Gibson not making a cameo appearance is disappointing.

Set to exhaustive repeat, this is basically a 2 hour chase sequence - which is perhaps the slight problem.

So far from perfect, but nobody can grumble about the ingenuity of action and gyroscopic cinematography.
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Poltergeist - The scoop and digest

May 27, 2015, 5:53 pm
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We need a remake/reimagining of Tobe Hooper's 1982 timeless classic like I crave a hole in the groin.

Let's hope Director Gil Kenan will make me my sagacious words.

Day or night, plot details and/or spoilers will hide in the closet.

Going into the light:

Sam Rockwell - Eric
Jared Harris - Carrigan Burke
Rosemarie DeWitt - Amy
Jane Adams - Dr. Powell
Kyle Catlett - Griffin
Saxon Sharbino - Kendra
Kennedi Clements - Madison

Despite financial inadequacies, the Bowens find enough dosh to buy a new pad but sister Madison and lil brother Griffin soon hear and witness strange activity.

He finds a box of clowns and Maddy's chitter chatter to nothing in particular doesn't go unnoticed.

Later... When the TV Turns to Static is when Griffin finds Maddy doing her thing in front of large screen plasma.

Guess what?

"They're here."

Eric and Amy go out on the piss and discover bricks and mortar was built on an old cemetery.  No biggie, as long as they remembered to move the bodies...

Meanwhile, tree taps on skylight and clown attacks Griffin.  Kendra is grabbed by a muddy corpse in the basement but what of Maddy?

As favourite teddy is drawn towards the closet, ghostly hands and faded fingers drag her into a seemingless endless void.

Sober mother and relaxed father return to find tree playing catch with son.

When shit calms down, Maddy's voice is heard beyond channel white noise and in desperation - they turn to The Paranormal Research Department.

Realising this is a not a harmless apparition, Dr. Powell enlists the help of Haunted House Clearance expert Carrigan Burke.

He concludes that Maddy has 'astral' capabilities and because the dead weren't moved with headstones, is why they remain pissed.

They see Maddy as their ticket out of purgatory.

Will length of rope prove effective again? Yes.

Carrigan has Griffin navigate a drone inside the watery vortex but gadget is destroyed.

Aiming to right the wrong of leaving Maddy alone, Griffin explores.

Rope falls through the portal, followed by siblings soon after.

Kendra encourages Carrigan to say his line.  Oh go on, utter the magic words. (Okay you whinging bitch), 'this house is clean'.

But wait, Maddy didn't lead them towards the light...

Let's get climax over with.

Car is tossed, Maddy resists the spectral vacuum and Carrigan apparently sacrifices himself to save the family.

In the aftermath of emergency vehicles magically appearing and family flooring it, Carrigan is picked up on GPS.

With new house offering spacious closet space and old tree perfect for kids, the Bowens find this hilarious.

Err.  I'm glad they did.

To paraphrase a Jack Nicholson film, this is As Bad As It Gets.

I've sucked disappointment through my last bastard straw.

Did I expect anything less?

No.  I must be some kind of fucking masochist.

Even with Sam Raimi involved, Hollywood are obviously more skint than the Bowens to churn out such a despicable piece of shit.

Let's dissect horrendous celluloid.

The Freelings had personality and were at least likable.  Sam Rockwell is a good actor and scores with occasional dry sarcasm, but as for the rest...

Although not a straight remake, way too much has been rehashed - and not in a good way.

Clown 'was' the advertising campaign, but application is crude and representation lamentable

There's some innovation amongst banality, but amateur jump scares and run of the mill CGI debilitates.

What's particularly bizarre is throughout the whole thing is apparently one big merry jape.

Even a frightened squirrel would be psychologically scarred for life.

Pretending this is standalone, admittedly I've seen worse.

Then again, that's like saying taking a bite of shit smothered toast tastes scrummy.

What could they fuck up next?

Ssshhh!  Let's not give them any ideas...
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Search

Generalising video game impostors throughout history - Final Pixels

May 31, 2015, 2:12 pm
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No need for any introduction or explanation, here it is - the dramatic conclusion.

Pixels whored out to other home systems will be marked *, with a specific format chosen at my discretion.

Otherwise, imagery is courtesy of coin munching upright cabinet.

Backstreet Soccer, SunA 1996 vs Street Hoop/Dunk Dream, Data East 1994 (Neo Geo)

Intro slice.


Team select.


Vs.


Data East were far from innocent as I'm sure they 'sampled' Midway's NBA Jam, hence running commentary and super shots.

With that said, the 'accused' also nicked clumps from SNK's Super Sidekicks series.

I'm using the example of The Ultimate 11: SNK Football Championship.


Wheeling away in celebration.



Here's the strangest bit.


Discounting original, observe how keepers gesticulate to their team-mates.

The World Championship (left) and The Next Glory (right).


To accommodate France '98, Neo Geo Cup '98: The Road to the Victory was a pointless remake of second sequel The Next Glory.

However, unlike all those other assholes who released whichever game prior to tournament commencing, SNK took it upon themselves to do this AFTER the host nation claimed glory.

Yeah, what's the fucking point?

Sticking what can be the 'ugly' game.

Microprose Soccer*, Sensible Software 1988 (C64) vs Fighting Soccer, SNK 1988

It could be the other way around, but unlikely.


Yes, the ball does increase and decrease in size.

Don't forget, Microprose Soccer was the genesis of Sensible Soccer.

There is no doubt about this one.

Demon Front, IGS 2002 vs Metal Slug*, Nazca 1996 (Neo Geo)

 How to play.



'Heavy machine gun'...



The former was developed on the obscure PolyGame Master system board.

Red Earth/WarZard, Capcom 1996 vs Metamoqester/Oni The Ninja Master, Banpresto 1995

As you can see, each CPU opponent has lengthy vitality.



But wait, both raped...

Monster Maulers, Konami 1993
Crazy.

Mystic Riders, Irem 1992 vs Cotton: Fantastic Nights Dreams, Success 1991


You could also bring in Chariot: Adventure through the Sky from 1991 Capcom compilation arcade Three Wonders.


The others were:

Midnight Wanderers: Quest for the Chariot precedes Chariot.
Err, so where does out of place puzzler Don't Pull fit in?


I'm more stumped than a cricketer.

And years before...

Cauldron, Palace Software 1985 (C64)
Okay, riding on broomstick was only half the story.

Some took graphical 'inspiration' too literally.

Rapid Reload: Gunners Heaven, Sony 1995 (PS1) vs Gunstar Heroes, Treasure 1993 (Mega Drive)



Panzer Bandit, Fill in Cafe 1997 (PS1) vs Guardian Heroes, Treasure 1996 (Saturn)



Marko's Magic Football, Domark 1994 (Mega Drive) vs Soccer Kid*, Krisalis Software 1993 (Amiga)


A definite red card.

Scooby Doo Mystery, Illusions Gaming Company 1995 (Mega Drive) vs Day of the Tentacle, Lucasarts 1993 (PC)



Zoinks!

At least joypad point and click looked the part.

After dropping frilly knickers and lifting short skirt, Scooby and Shaggy were horrified to learn Daphne was actually a ladyboy.
Incorporating clues and scrolling platform action, Argonaut handled the very different four story SNES version.

Haunted ship-wreck, amusement park, spooky swamp (on the grounds of Dean Drabwell's Ranch) and Bradshaw Manor.

To trap respective villain, specific items must be found.

Its nearest rival was much shorter and only had two scenarios (Blake's Hotel and Ha Ha Carnival).

Both maintained humour synonymous with the classic show.

Punch King Arcade Boxing, Acclaim 2002 (GBA) vs Super Punch-Out!!, Nintendo 1984


I could have used the 1994 SNES remake but hey ho.

Frank Bruno's Boxing is still the greatest rip off by a country uppercut.

Again, I'm not sure which came first but I'm giving SNK the benefit of the bout.

Mutant Fighter, Data East 1991 vs King of the Monsters*, SNK 1991 (Neo Geo)


The Ninja Warriors, Taito 1987 vs Kung-Fu Master, Irem 1984



Do mirrors placed either side of horizontal monitor creating the fake impression of extended perception have the right to steal the basic, but ingenious formula of bashing a relentless onslaught of baddies coming from left and right?

No.

Increasing difficulty level...

Tom & Jerry in 'Fists of Furry', VIS Interactive 2000 (N64) vs Power Stone, Capcom 1999



PS2 sequel War of the Whiskers continued the piss take.

Rough Ranger, SunA 1988, vs Rolling Thunder, Namco 1986



For that 'hack', balls on the rack...

Charlie Ninja, Mitchell Corporation 1994 vs Sunset Riders, Konami 1990



Adapted from the cartoon series of the same in 1992, Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo Mesa is Sunset Riders with udders.
Like Commando, Capcom's Gun.Smoke was released in 1985 and this screen is wanted in connection with the above.


Coincidence?

Gunfright was a similarly themed 1985 isometric Spectrum effort, with most outlaws named after actual bandits including Jesse James and The Sundance Kid.

You also had the Rumpo Kid, surely in homage to Sid James in Carry On Cowboy, .

Sheriff Quickdraw may have been reffing eponymous protagonist of Hanna-Barbera series Quick Draw McGraw.

Before shaming the next, a formal introduction is necessary.

When SNK went portable with the brilliant but short-lived Neo Geo Pocket, cut-down interpretations of specific one on one entries favoured chibi over realism.

Fatal Fury: First Contact (Real Bout 2)
Samurai Shodown! (Samurai Shodown IV)
King of Fighters R-1 (The King of Fighters '97)
King of Fighters R-2 (The King of Fighters '98)

Samurai Shodown! 2 was a frankly amazing conversion of Samurai Shodown 64: Warriors Rage, the sequel to Samurai Shodown 64.

In case you're unaware of its confusing existence, Warriors Rage on PS1 was standalone.

Featuring a limited selection from the cast of Fatal Fury, Samurai Shodown, The Last Blade and KOF, SNK Gals Fighters was all out boobage warfare.

Anyway, enough of that - this is this.

Super Gem Fighter Mini Mix/Pocket Fighter, Capcom 1997 vs SD-Fighters, Semicom 1996






Capcom employed the cutesy look in 1993 with Mighty Final Fight (NES spin-off of original 1989 arcade), but that's totally irrelevant.

Is this an 'unconscious' rip off?

Double-Wings, Mitchell Corporation 1993 vs Raiden, Seibu Kaihatsu 1990

Title screen for title screen.


Weapons for weapons.



It's probably more accurate to say the whole thing clones the 1993 sequel, which apart from pyrotechnics; isn't that different from original.

Replacing fighter jet with bi-plane?

BULLSHIT!

Kong Strikes Back!*, Ocean 1985 (C64) vs Mr Do's Wild Ride, Universal 1984

Even taking era into account, how the FUCK Ocean got away with this begs bastard belief.



What visual pollution insults most?

Over to you Lucasarts.

Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine, Lucasarts 1999 (PC/N64) vs Tomb Raider, Core Design 1996 (PS1)

Indy is Lara Croft - frame for fucking frame.




The 2001 Game Boy Colour version was top-down and predictably 2D.

Expect more guilt to be buried within 'video game miscellany'.

Don't worry Rezon, I haven't forgotten about your sorry ass...
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Total Recall: Symphony (Adornment)

June 12, 2015, 5:56 pm
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Before proceeding, why not reacquaint yourself with:

Part 1 - http://nukesandknives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/total-recall-propagation-synthesis.html

Part 2 - http://nukesandknives.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/total-recall-purification-conservation.html

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, a horse won Richter a mint and Benny let off a tremendous fart...

If I am to become that fucking asshole Hauser, it is my democratic right for televisual entertainment to be provided.
Crap, junk, bollocks and bullshit.
It makes me wonder why I pay my TV licence.
I wonder if it's the same back on Earth...
Richter: Excuse me pal, do you mind if I twat the bastard, just for old time's sake?
Doctor: For fun?
Richter: No for science - you fucking idiot.
CRASH! BASH! WHACK! (and) WALLOP!
That's for porking my old lady - hard and deep.
One detects digesting ring-piece inferno, washed down with seventeen pints of dangerous strength lager is more unlikely than agoraphobia dangling from the tree of confusion.
JESUS! That tickles.
In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have pissed him off...
Squeal like a mouse, sing like a canary and miaow like a pussy.
That is the way of samurai.
Oi bitch, filthier than a holiday postcard.
This is hardly the time to drop knickers, spread legs and authorise lab rat to perform cunnilingus.
It's...(hmmm), errr, an experiment.
A bit more (ooohhhh)... down a little (not too much).
Nibble, nuzzle and give it a cuddle.
Treat the old muff rough and tough, and... why so jealous?
Ladies and gentlemen - witness the grit and determination of Bruce Banner.
Now you've licked the bitch dry, it's time for me to aim high.
Game shot and the match.
Slack jaw, ball breaking, desk hugging, brick laying, clock watching, dumb fuck.
As your ass always wanted to be skewered more than mixed kebab... 
Safe in the knowledge I've gone all Debbie Harry and KooKoo, at least I can die happy.
Now Quaid and Melina have defaced campaign poster with spunking prick and customary three pubes per testicle, shall I throw the switch and activate the reactor?
But it'll spread to all the turbinium on the planet and Mars will go into global meltdown.
(Richter raises famous frown lines).
WELL SHIT ON A BASTARD STICK! Even those aliens didn't think of that.
Your landlord warned what would happen if you fuckers fell behind with rent.
(Cough, splutter, choke).
My final wish upon this earth is for piscine to be given a decent send-off, and not suffer the indignity of being flushed down unscented and neglected ivory throne. 
As we're running out of air, it blows we don't have some kind of life bar.
Thumbelina: Look Tony, you're not Isaac Clarke and this ain't Dead Space.
Now kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP before necromorphs get Victorian on everybody's ass.
Hey Quaid (not forgetting Melina), you remember father of five (four) kids to feed?
Benny.  Benny's the name, (ha ha ha) and betraying is my game.
Which unofficial Roger Moore James Bond adventure is now of particular relevance?
OCTOPUUSSYYY!!!!
I meant For Your Operator's Eyes Only.
After endodontic treatment, this minor migraine cannot climb beyond the peak of pain.
Fiddletwits.  It appears my prediction was wrong.
First I punch you, now bullets fuck you.
'Cause honey I'm an asshole draped like a daydream.
Don't panic viewers, but everybody's GeForce is about to temporarily Nvidia. 
The impatient can minimise this window to the taskbar and continue working while updates are downloaded and installed.
It is not necessary to restart your computer.
Should first person be played with joypad or mouse?
While you're chewing over rhetoric, please be advised - I'VE GOT A HOLOGRAPH!
I am doing unto you, what Captain Freedom did unto to Ben Richards.
Yes it's The Running Man, with Cadre Cola - it hits the g-spot.
O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth.
Woe to the hand that shed this costly blood!
Cohaagen (off-screen): The construction worker that became a secret agent.  The secret agent that became a dream.  The dream that escaped lobotomization.
Fascinating story!
As adverse weather conditions are due to oscillate, engage reverse thrusters.
Malfunction! Unable to launch.  Bleep, whirr; etc.  Maximum overdrive.  Access denied.
Well whatever nevermind.
I've heard of relationships getting off to a flying start but this is just fucking ridiculous.
Under pressure.  Dum dum dum dur de de dum, (plink plonk).
My fingers don't even fit.  Who designed this ungodly piece of shit?
Arth and his friend ritis will be visiting sooner than expected.
The inaugural winner of Mars With Talentless Sophistication reveals Mary (three tits) was salvation and Last Resort for fame.
Experiment gone right 41A didn't even make it through auditions.
I would take it further (on coming second), but the appeals procedure is purposely convoluted and inappropriately expensive.
Anyway, going up against a bunch of ass-kissing, back-stabbing, corrupt-sucking bastards would be profligate.
Quaid: (Puff puff, pant pant).  That was shagtastic and I came like Niagra Falls.
Mel: Ha! I'm glad somebody did, as I've known fruit machine spins to last longer.
Hauser gets to fuck me every night? I can hardly wait.
Quaid: Would one care for a tongue embrace?
Mel: I suppose saliva transfer must be better than inept rhythmic grinding.
(Yuck! The dirty bastard didn't even bother to scrub teeth and gargle cheap cider).
The future has a silver lining.

Robocop (1987) will begin this year and conclude sometime in 2016.
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Jurassic World - The scoop and digest

June 18, 2015, 4:19 pm
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Dinosaurs may have died out millions of years ago, but their popularity will never become extinct.

If anybody remembers One Million Years B.C. for anything other than Raquel Welch's fur bikini, they're talking Styracosaurus shit.

R.I.P. Ray Harryhausen, stop-motion God.

I hated Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, but along with skeletons (Jason and the Argonauts) and scorpions (Clash of the Titans), Smilodon vs Troglodyte is probably what VHS rewound most.

Very, very briefly talking video games, Sammy's Dyna Gears ignores sense and sensibility.

Starships slip 65 million years back in time from the year 2993 A.D.

'Time patroller' Roger and the ruthless Gustav shoot each other down and crash into a nearby planet, which conveniently happens to be a tropical jungle in prehistoric times.

Roger meets and teams up with Wolf, and because Gustav has managed to transform a living dinosaur into 'combat dinosaur', the pair set off in hot pursuit.

Whatever, right?

Director Colin Trevorrow ignores The Lost World and awful third with a direct sequel to Spielberg's blockbusting original.

Plot details and/or spoilers are genetically engineered.

The Park is open for:

Chris Pratt - Owen Grady
Bryce Dallas Howard - Claire
Vincent D'Onofrio - Hoskins
B.D. Wong - Dr. Wu
Nick Robinson - Zack
Ty Simpkins - Gray

To keep things fresher than a daisy, highly intelligent hybrid Indominus Rex has been kept isolated since its creation in new menagerie Jurassic World.

By now, we've met operations manager Claire, and her nephews Zack and Gray.

Raptor trainer Owen Grady is brought in to study Indominus' ranch but when scans draw a blank, she's apparently escaped.

Surely a technical malfunction?

Big cheese Hoskins plans to use the four Raptors (Charlie, Alpha, Omega and Blue) as a military force, but Owen wants no part of it.

Pac-Man ghosts are nearly as random.

Bashful (Inky), Speedy (Pinky), Shadow (Blinky) and Pokey (Clyde).

What's CLYDE all about?

Indominus escapes and enjoys a bite of fresh human meat in the process.

Emergency! Code Bloodshed imminent on Isla Nublar!

Adopting camouflage allowed her to bypass thermal detection.

Clever girl.

In the midst of this unfortunate prison break, Zack and Gray ride in a gyrosphere and ignore the warnings of attraction shutdown.

Sending a team armed with non-lethals to subdue the beast is surely suicide?

Take a wild guess...

Baddie dino attacks hamster ball but regrettably, children escape.

Indominus continues relentless carnage and the destruction of an aviary gives unexpected licence for pterosaurs to take flight.

Wings of fury have a bit of fun but human firepower eradicates threat.

To kill Indominus, Hoskins convinces Grady to enlist Raptors but after allies chew the fat with omnipotent, monsters attack.

At my discretion, can I now call villain Rextor, a portmanteau of T-Rex and Raptor?

Thanks in advance.

Along with embryos, Dr. Wu is helicoptered to safety; which should give head geneticist enough time to conjure up a sequel.

The result of Hoskins failing to sweet talk a Raptor has dire consequences.

With Rextor continuing to dominate, Claire suggests they need more 'teeth'.

T-Rex and Blue make a decent tag team and Mosasaurus condemns Rextor to a watery grave.

Proceedings end with T-Rex observing decimation and announcing on helipad "I'M FUCKING BACK!"

Analysis

Lacklustre chars and so-so acting fails to damage an enjoyable spectacle.

Unusually for a 12A, blood often spills and human casualties reach double figures.

Sequences disregard suspense and danger but contain excitement and depth.

Although science has proved otherwise, paleontologists remain pissed that our friends remain balder than plucked chickens.

Surely covering all and sundry with a few feathers wouldn't have broken any hearts...

As expected, CGI dominates with animatronics drafted in for a dying Apatosaurus and head close-ups.  Recycled herbivores Iguanodon, Stegosaurus and Ankylosaurus are a snore bore.

Mosasaurus and Indominus do nothing to match the colossal entrance of Brachiosaurus and T-Rex rampage.

Training raptors is a cool idea, but how Rextor dies was a major cop-out.

Also, how was veteran T-Rex persuaded to get back inside 'new' paddock?

Pass!

Reffing hell

Mr DNA, mosquito encased in block or amber (used on the end of Hammond's cane), destruction of Spinosaurus skeleton during end fight (maybe symbolism of how that fucking bad film really was), computer guy wearing tee of original (personality opposite of Nedry) and Dilophosaurus hologram confusing Raptor towards climax.

Best of all, kids stumble upon the dilapidated visitor centre as night-vision goggles, Jeep 29, backlit picture of Raptor and 'When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth' banner are all visible.

'Rip offs'

Squad members' heartbeats flatlining on monitors (Aliens).
Indominus capable of camouflage and killing for sport (Predator).
Pterosaur attack (The Mist).

Beginning in the late 70s, obviously way before Michael Crichton's novel, Flesh was one of the original stories to appear in 2000AD.

'Hag monster' Old One Eye ate her son Satanus, who was later cloned by scientists as an exhibit for a dinosaur theme park.

I'm saying this is Flesh without bone.

Fact

Dino Crisis was inspired by Jurassic Park.

T-Rex mutation Australis 'borrowed' roar in rubbish 2003 Xbox exclusive Dino Crisis 3.

End boss Cebalrai has the DNA prime of Giganotosaurus and grows a third head.

Indominus is modelled on Giganotosaurus, who was apparently slightly smaller than fellow theropod Carcharodontosaurus, but larger than global favourite T-Rex.

Going off track, SNK's Prehistoric Isle in 1930 determined ammonites measured 140 feet and weighed 10 tonnes.

Absolutely remarkable.

I could go on but I'd never stop laughing.

Coincidence?

Before getting destroyed by satellite's laser in Dino Crisis 2, we watch T-Rex clash heads with not Pachycephalosaurus, but Giga power.

Even though Raptor featured and employed ironic role reversal in Trevorrow's film, it's the same principle.

Giga does brush T-Rex aside, but unlike Spinosaurus snapping neck in JP III, nobody gave a fossil.

Not that it matters too much, Capcom also used the threat of Mosasaurus.

Bonkers!

Finally, if the next is set in the far reaches of infinite space - I'll nuke my Ozymandias.
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Insidious: Chapter 3 - The scoop and digest

June 21, 2015, 12:41 pm
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Leigh Whannell takes the directorial plunge to prequel James Wan's original and awful second.

Plot details and/or spoilers exist between light and dark.

Following in the footsteps of ectoplasm:

Lin Shaye - Elise
Stefanie Scott - Quinn
Dermot Mulroney - Sean
Angus Sampson - Tucker
Leigh Whannell - Specs

A few years before the Lambert family haunting.

Teenybopper Quinn persuades psychic Elise to make contact with her recently deceased mother Lilly.

When something makes threats to kill, connection is lost.

During a theatre audition, the sight of a mysterious being causes Quinn to fluff her lines.

Before she can report wave happy weirdo, a car sends her flying.

Daddy helps the wheelchair-bound into bed and for attention, clanging bell should do the trick.

Occurrences escalate beyond creepy and entity is best described as the man who can't breathe.

She's sick, right?

After every visitation, apparition leaves no physical evidence until muddy prints lead them to a broken window.

As geezer lies dead on pavement below, suicide is most plausible; but demon attempts to drag Quinn down.

Sean rescues the situation but daughter's neck is badly jarred in the process.

Come on Elise, get up off your fat ass?

Entering a place she likes to call 'The Further', Bride in Black initiates full throttle (who she brought back when looking for dead husband), but is shaken back to life before suffocation.

Sean pushes the desperation button and brings in Spectral Sightings pair Tucker and Specs.

Quinn lashes out with melee weapon and just for the hell of it - smashes plaster casts against bedstead.

She's prevented from slitting her own throat and others help subdue her.

A rejuvenated Elise returns in confident mood and agrees to help.

We've already seen a faceless Quinn, missing hands and feet, but that's only 50 per cent of the download.  The man who struggles to breathe must be stopped before her soul is completely swallowed.

Its identity is never revealed, but we know he died in the apartment yonks ago.

Elise scares off Bride and hubby Jack wants her to self-terminate so they can finally be together.

After slashing demon in fancy dress, the alternative Quinn is grabbed and regeneration begins.

Back in the land of the living, Elise says she must finish the job alone.

Hearing the voice of a woman who recently died, Elise finds a letter from Lilith.

Mother whispers something in Quinn's ear, giving her the strength to remove mask and defeat demon.

Quinn awakes and all is hunky dory.

Elise teams up with Specs and Tucker to continue cleaning up supernatural disturbances as and when they occur.

Returning home, she's pleased to find husband's jumper neatly folded on bed.

Woof woof barks at unknown face in darkness and Darth Maul provides incredibly boring pop up moment.

To paraphrase an old footballing cliché, this is a film of two halves.

The first 40 minutes or so is littered with unpredictable and intelligent jump scares, but the final section is consumed by generic shoddiness.

Believing herself to be Tetsuo from Akira, Elise forces geezer through floorboards with unofficial ultra combo Shockwave Stomp.

Sigh.

Quinn wearing the possessed shoes of Mia from Evil Dead 2013 morbidly offends.

Discounting 1999 original, her twitching is also reminiscent of a condom headed Silent Hill nurse.

Medical orderlies in prequel Origins appear to be faceless, just like the alternative Quinn.

"Come on bitch" is up there with the cheesiest pieces of fucking shit I've ever heard.

Barring some kind of ridiculous interquel, central antagonist for Chapter 4 has already been introduced, and presumably what Elise saw off camera at the end of sequel.

One more thing, Quinn is seen reading A Clockwork Orange.

She's got taste...
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Films Lost in Translation - Screen 1

June 26, 2015, 4:59 pm
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Instead of cuddling the norm of video game carts, I warm the cockles of mistake seeking hearts.

My mission is not to regurgitate shit done a hundred times before, but to focus mainly on all things 'Engrish'.

Selection is my paramount pictures.

John Nash (Russell Crowe) may have A Beautiful Mind, but should have collected a 'Nobel' Prize for strategic decision making.
Check out this peculiar error in Woody Allen's 1977 romcom classic Annie Hall.


Fine, but...


Never mind director, I'm more concerned that Christopher Wlaken didn't notice.

I'm probably not alone in thinking The Dark Knight Rises was a disappointing end to Christopher Nolan's otherwise explosive trilogy.
Did you hear about the dyslexic thief? He went on a 'hiest'.
This is technically a character and not film error by Roy Scheider's Martin Brody in Jaws.

Yes it should be 'coroner'.
Maybe Polly should have typed up the report. 
In exciting sequel Lethal Weapon 2, Joss Ackland's Arjen Rudd and his crooked cronies hide behind diplomatic immunity.
Reckless Riggs finds 'aparthied' impossible to spell.
Just to blitz brains, refrigerated reference made in original was spelt correctly.


Ha ha ha!

After Keith Allen's Hugo mysteriously dies leaving a suitcase full of money, it leaves an obvious dilemma in Danny Boyle's superb directorial debut Shallow Grave.
Nothing immediately wrong here, but spin on to credit roll... 
As if by unstable magic, Christopher Eccleston's eventual lunatic David changed his surname by goof poll.
St Trinian's is set in the fictional town of Chelteham, Gloucestershire.  
Another shot highlights continuity didn't fix matters.


Nobody predicted this 5 day weather 'forcast' in Total Recall (2012).
No wonder washing got drenched.  Selfish bastards.
Perfect organism.  Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.

Was xeno ever referred to as an Alien? Don't think so.

I fear the margins may be out of 'allignment'.
MOTHER - YOU BITCH!
Although 'insure' is obviously a word, I'm sure they meant 'ensure'.
All other considerations secondary.
Crew expendable.
Even a store wide 'clearnce' sale hosted by Dick Miller was afraid to charge The Terminator for guns and ammo. 
Dispensing with formalities, presenting what were surely done on purpose.

Tortured 'teacher' Andy (Perry King) is eventually pushed over the edge in Mark L. Lester's controversial 1982 classic Class of 1984.
Before he went Back to the Future, a young Michael J. Fox (credited as Michael Fox) briefly joins in and Roddy McDowall (Corrigan) does GTA.
Teenage Head provide the musical touch. 
Irvin Kershner's final film Robocop 2 advises to go and fuck a refrigerator pecker neck.
If that's wrong - 'kick' me in the bollocks.
Hillbillies and gratuitous gore ensures 2010 horror comedy Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was an absolute hoot.
We got ur 'freind' deserves an extended close  up.


Grammar...

Brainless and bereft of charm, The Sweeney on big screen disappointed more than the sun failing to glow.
Please note, Novembers figures deserve an apostrophe between r and s.
Fancy a laugh - look no further than Idle Hands.
'I'm' under the bed.
Oops.
Your and you're are commonly used in the wrong context.

For example:

Spawning two sequels, Lerenzo Lamas is 'search and destroy' soldier Jack Kelly in probable cult action adventure Snake Eater.
(I heard the toilet struggled to flush this piece of shit).
'Your Dead Right'.
Fuck.  Wrong again. 
Texting...

Smiley was 'supposed' to come and kill me, but urban legend thought better of it.
However, if electronic insult from Death Proof informed 'you're an asshole!!!', then I'd be really offended.
Ecological found footage horror documentary The Bay largely kicked ass.
'HOLLY' SHIT! i just ate something 'wierd'.
Now my stomach feels fucking weird.
Amy? Amy?
Why didn't you activate auto-correct?
Amy? Answer me?
Battery dead...
Untraceable featured killer host, hosting a killer website.

See Fear Dot Com for inspiration...

thniik soooo.
Fcuking idiots. hes fucking dead cant you fucking (illegible).
Err, what?
the killers ded long live the killer...
'nlod' this video?
Probably means down'load' this video?
Next time, it's more with definite phwoar.
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Mysterious malfunctions in miscellany - Slide 1

July 5, 2015, 4:38 pm
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Although completely legible, apologies in advance because some photos from my own personal stash are a tad fuzzy.

When Rambomania was in full swing, video games ignored First Blood and jumped through the hoops of pompous piece of shit sequel Rambo: First Blood Part 2.

Despite this and apart from a select few, games were confusingly just called 'Rambo'.

Kicking things off, weird action/strategy on MSX looked suspiciously like Hydlide.


Even for 1985, shabbier than a neglected market stall.

Despite the curious use of pink, its title screen captures the meat of movie poster.


Strangely, the above resembles stage complete screen from 2008 Sega arcade.


Super Rambo Special came a year later and was essentially the same game.

Unless you choose 'I feel better in prison', side-scrolling NES turd doesn't begin.


Talk about wasting our time.

Obviously we know what they're getting at, but does the option of YES actually exist?

No.

Here's the best bit at mission's end.

Trautman: "What are you going to do?"
Rambo: "Day by day."


WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ANSWER IS THAT?

It should've been:

Trautman: "How will you live?"
Rambo: "Day by day."

The whole point of Son of Rambow is First Blood, so WHY does package design claim Rambo: First Blood?
Oh dear!

Even worse is what I snapped on TV some time ago.


BULLSHIT!

Rambo III on Mega Drive differed from the 1989 Taito arcade (which recycled enemy screams from Operation Wolf), by incorporating overhead action and consequently - reminiscent of Data East's Bloody Wolf.
Anyway, since when did jungles exist in Afghanistan?
In order to 'fully' appreciate the PC Engine (not Turbografx 16) version of R-Type, two separate purchases was required.

Trouble is, cover art contradicted title screen.

R-Type I and R-Type


R-Type II and R-Type Part-2


Here's the Amiga box art for Turrican II: The Final Fight.


Comprising of three little men (blue, red and yellow respectively), the logo of Rainbow Arts is certainly memorable.


You'd assume this would be the same in title screen, but...

The assholes at Factor 5 decided this wasn't 'The Final Fight' and yellow geezer becomes greyer than a storm cloud.
The C64 original had no such issues.
Renamed Time Soldier for home computer consumption, Alpha Denshi's (later ADK) arcade translated fairly well.

Please note Electrocoin.


Guess what?

In the C64 game, they became 'Electrcoin'.
Was Stephen King the star of Cujo?

No.  He was the fucking author.

So why is inference displayed on cover art?
I need wings.

Hey Peter you bastard - leave some for me.

Liquid is green, but Red Bull is amber.
Red Bull is nice by itself, but best enjoyed with either Vodka or Jägermeister.

More strange goings-on, this time in the title sequence of 1982 slasher Pieces.


as Lt. Bracken
All good, but then Paul Smith as Willard (and those that follow), turn red.


It makes no sense.

Mannequins come to life in obscure 1979 horror Terror Trap.
The insane villain of the piece is Slausen, or is it?
Yep, 'Slauson' confirms another credits blunder.
Before credits climax, every film contains disclaimer bullshit.

Have a read of The Raid.


The 'person' etc etc?

Hmmm.

48 hours in Spellbound and I'm a 'gonner'.


Another fabulous fuck up from the 8 bit era.

Forwarding to the present, Drake's new album must be grammar phobic.

You're and It's too late to rectify the error.

Alien: The Archive has a hard on for photos, quotes, trivia and artwork to all four movies.

Guess who owns a copy and noticed an error?

Dillon (correct)
Spin on a few pages and...

...Dillon now becomes 'Dylan'.
What the FUCK?

Feudal Japan's warm sunset looks pretty cool.


What a shame Haohmuru slices and dices in broad daylight.


Unlike Fatal Fury, Samurai Shodown doesn't have day to night transitions between rounds.

Ironically, his stage in far superior sequel would largely make Shinkiro's box art accurate.


Without sounding patronising, 'it's' and 'its' needs clear explanation.

it's - contraction of it and is but depending on sentence, can also be short for it and has (non possessive).

its (possessive).

Now that's sorted out - observe some unlikely cock ups.

Evil has just met 'it's' match when messing with Double Dragon.


A mother's love has 'it's' limits in The Afflicted.


Once 'its' unleashed, Evilution can never be stopped.


Frankensteins Army is surprisingly decent.


Hang on a mo, title is missing something.

Apostrophe is inserted in actual film, but for reasons unknown...

...the damn thing is facing the wrong way.
The final nail in the punctuation mark coffin is on the back of occasionally funny Lindsay Lohan romcom Labor Pains.


Its unbelievable.

Oh shit, they've got me doing it now.
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Terminator Genisys - The scoop and digest

July 9, 2015, 5:06 pm
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Probably most famous for Marvel sequel Thor: The Dark World, Director Alan Taylor uses the concept of retcon (retroactive continuity) to flush past, present and future down ivory throne.

Plot details and/or spoilers will become self-aware

The future is not set for:

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Guardian
Emilia Clarke - Sarah Connor
Jai Courtney - Kyle Reese
Jason Clarke - John Connor/T-3000
Lee Byung-hun - T-1000

In 2029, John Connor launches a last ditch assault against the machines and Skynet.

Best efforts prove fruitless as a Model 101 is sent back to 1984 to kill Sarah.

During time travel, Reese has one vision while John is attacked.

Before CG T-800 is given chance to terminate trio of punks, a familiar voice from the background announces "I've been waiting for you."

'Anonymous' sent him to protect Sarah when she was nine.

They have a scuffle but baddie is sniped by Ms Connor.

Reese is pursued by a T-1000 but meets with Guardian and Sarah.

Sarah gives reprogrammed Arnie the adopted name of Pops (probably some kind of joke to youthful legend), and is what I'm going with.

Remember, he's old - not obsolete.

Anyway, shapeshifter tracks them down at a disused factory and reactivates T-800 using liquid metal.

CG is eventually decapitated by Reese and Pops forces T-1000 to take a shower under acid sprinklers.

Sarah and Pops have cobbled together a time machine and hauling ass to 1997 to prevent Skynet from awaking sounds like a kick ass idea.  Resse poops on the party as earlier memory persuades the headstrong to go with new strategy of destroying Genisys (a front for Skynet) in 2017.

A blinding flash of light later sees Reese and Sarah materialise in San Francisco but are soon arrested on bustling highway.

Danny Dyson is president of Cyberdyne and Genisys will link all tech you own.

As they're treated for injuries, Reese as a child helps with an ID parade.

John arrives to rescue the imprisoned but is he an impostor?

Bang! Bang! Bang!

That geezer who attacked John was Genisys wearing T-5000 trousers and transformed scarface into a T-3000 nanobot hybrid.

Arnie explains that after Skynet infected John, its latest weapon was sent back to 2007 so a new Judgment Day could be launched.

Er, okay.

Unless somebody's got a magnet the size of San Francisco - I suspect they're in deep shit.

The Golden Gate Bridge and airborne chase hosts the meat of action and Pops dive-bombing chopper only proves to be a minor inconvenience for T-3000.

C4 is planted at Cyberdyne HQ and ineffective firepower holds off villain before heads are inevitably butted with protector.

During which, numerous holographic representations of Genisys frequently reminds that boom time will prevent nothing.

Although overpowered, Pops manages to trap nanobot inside time machine's magnetic field but goodie is thrown into a vat of mimetic poly-alloy.

Hold back those tears as there's no thumbs up.

With explosion imminent, they take refuge underground and Pops boasts new mimetic abilities.

Reese visits his young self urging him to remember that 'Genisys is Skynet'.

Wait a few moments and mid-credits scene shows primary system core survived.

Did I or its adoring fanbase expect anything other than mediocre?

No we didn't.

While by no means a complete disaster, here's why this can largely suck my cybernetic organism.

Even though old vs young Arnie bombed, the first 30 minutes or so is entertaining but having said that, nostalgic love affair lacks serious gusto.

As reprogrammed Arnie had known for 11 years this day would come, why didn't he bring something better than pump action Remington?

Never mind love, all you need is sniper rifle...

Anybody thinking this was the first to prelude events leading up to original will be sorely disappointed to learn PS2/Xbox FPS Dawn of Fate got there first.

Just don't mention that horrible camera.

Set pieces are mere rehashes from T2 and stunts stampede down the digital route of uninspired boredom.

What happens on Golden Gate Bridge is different, but straight from Rupert Wyatt's Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Reese is effectively surplus to requirements but despite wishy washy script, it's great to see that even at the tender age of 67, Arnie hasn't lost his mojo.

T-3000 is so much like the T-X, he may as well have worn red leather and killer heels.

Its true metallic guise looks disturbingly like Cyborg from incredibly bad video game Rise of the Robots.

Am I fucking nuts without bolts for saying that?

Of course, end boss Supervisor completely ripped off T-1000.

Perhaps worst of all, much is left unanswered so inadvertently confuses.

T-1000 killed Sarah's parents in 1973 and Guardian was sent by an unknown party to protect.

During flashback, she was found hiding under a walkway so how did little girl initially evade liquid metal assassin?

PASS!

In this 1984, T-1000 uses poly-alloy to resurrect T-800 but Arnie taking a bath in the same shit 33 years later upgrades.

Did substance 'evolve'?

BULLSHIT!

This ignores Rise of the Machines, Salvation (and logic), but chronologically speaking; James Cameron apparently deems this officially the third film.

TV show The Sarah Connor Chronicles immediately followed T2, but in a separate timeline to T3.

Cameron must be going senile because now defunct 3D theme park attraction Battle Across Time reunited principal cast and already served as mini or quasi-sequel to T2.

Amusingly, T3 disregards that as though never made.

If you wanna go even further, S.M. Stirling's trilogy of novels are set a few years after T2.

Fascinating, right?

What did encourage a giggle is Sarah using 'first aid spray', with Arnie's endo arm also given a squirt.

Resident Evil?

Ha ha!
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Search

Ted 2 - The scoop and digest

July 15, 2015, 4:29 pm
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Unless you're a humourless prude, there isn't much not to like about the disgraceful antics of Thunder buddies John and Ted.

MacFarlane returns as writer/director, with collaborators Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild predictably lending a helping hand.

Plot details and/or spoilers are high on marijuana.

Outrageous behaviour is commonplace for:

Mark Wahlberg - John
Seth MacFarlane - Ted
Amanda Seyfried - Samantha
Jessica Barth - Tami-Lynn
Morgan Freeman - Patrick Meighan
Giovanni Ribisi - Donny

Ted and Tami-Lynn tie the knot but John is still getting over his divorce from Lori.

A year later, the newlyweds fight like cat and dog but having a baby will apparently solve all their problems.

Without a dick, Ted must look elsewhere for a sperm donor.

Flash is practically dry, so Ted and John plan to stimulate Tom Brady while asleep but things don't work out.

John is reluctantly brought in as sloppy thirds, but Tami-Lynn's long history of drug abuse renders ovarium infertile.

Adoption brings unwanted publicity and now considered 'property', Ted's life goes down the toilet.

John suggests to fight this thing at court but without capital, their case is taken on by inexperienced pot fiend Samantha.

They immediately click faster than an empty gun chamber.

Donny kisses Hasbro ass and hatches a diabolical plan of convincing CEO to hire the best attorney Barbie can buy so Ted will lose and make Mattel a mint.

His actual agenda is to keep Ted all for himself.

After justice takes a giant dump on Ted 'Clubber Lang', the gang travel to New York and meet with big shot civil rights geezer Patrick Meighan.

While sympathetic, he refuses to help because Ted has made little contribution to human society.

A pissed off Ted checks out Comic Con where demented Donny disguised as Raphael takes his opportunity to capture.

John and Samantha respond to Ted's phone call and weirdo is prevented from sticking the knife in.

The trio escape cosplay mayhem but just as they're about to leave, Donny snips cables holding up the Starship Enterprise and protecting Ted, John slips into a coma.

Unable to resist Tiffany's I Think We're Alone Now, Donny is subsequently arrested.

Could John really be dead?

Nah, he's just fucking with us...

Impressed at John's sacrificial gesture, Meighan successfully overturns the court's original decision.

Ted and Tami-Lynn are remarried and they name adopted baby boy Apollo Creed.

We presume all concerned live happily ever after.

Sit through credits to see a battered Liam Neeson returning children's cereal he bought earlier.

Funnier than the original?

Oh yeah.

Forget mundane and lifeless piece of shit A Million Ways to Die in the West, this delivers everything and more.

As smart and effective cutaway gags now feature, it sporadically feels like a feature length Family Guy episode.

In desperation, a cash strapped Ted charges 3 dollars for a blow job.

Brilliant!

Mila Kunis isn't missed and Amanda Seyfried kicks ass.

Reenacting scenes from silver screen classics puts the icing on a hilarious cake.

1. Library boogie woogie is in homage to The Breakfast Club.
2. Ted does the Mess Around from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
3. Best of all is Jurassic Park, replacing Brachiosaurus with the awe of weed field.

One thing I'm not sure about is title sequence, as choreography could be reffing Quahog's equivalent or Temple of Doom?

Hmmm.

MacFarlane's sequel is crude, non-PC and freakin' sweet.

Anybody who says otherwise has PENUS slapped on their forehead.
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Artistic beauty in The Simpsons

July 19, 2015, 1:48 pm
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Springfield aficionados will note some raise their stunning head more than once, so to prove I'm not ignorant to the fact - multiples will appear at my discretion.

Consequently, repetition is unavoidable.

The Crepes of Wrath

Bridge Over a Pond of Water Lillies - Monet
Wheatfield with Crows - Van Gogh
The Dream - Henri Rousseau
Study for Luncheon on the Grass - Monet
Before and after each spooky short forming Treehouse of Horror IV, Bart walks on by.

Self Portrait 1889 - Van Gogh (left) and Salvador Dalí's The Sleep
Ascending and Descending - M. C. Escher
The Scream - Edvard Munch
The Death of Marat - Jacques-Louis David
Lisa playing sax is based on one of Picasso's Three Musicians and René Magritte's Son of Man (right) is missing bowler hat.
A Friend in Need - C. M. Coolidge
Variations of gambling woof woofs can be found in Bart Simpson's Dracula (left) and The Mansion Family (right).


Mom and Pop Art is packed to the rafters with sophistication.

A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte - Georges Seurat
Venice the Dogana (Customs Office) and San Giorgio Maggiore - J. M. W. Turner
Seated Harlequin (left) and The Barefoot Girl (right), both from Picasso.
Les Demoiselles d'Avignon (left) and The Old Guitarist (right), both from Picasso.
I wonder who could've been responsible for Head of a Man?
Oh yeah, Picasso.
More than likely based on a Piet Mondrian composition (left) and one of Andy Warhol's Campbell's Soup Cans (right).
Somebody spoke and Homer went into a dream...
The Sleeping Gypsy - Henri Rousseau
The Vitruvian Man - Leonardo da Vinci
Go on pal, get stuck in there.
Three Musicians - Picasso
The Persistence of Memory - Salvador Dalí
Saturdays of Thunder sees Bart turn petrolhead.

The Vitruvian Man - Leonardo da Vinci
Cat burgling runs riot in Homer the Vigilante.

Not conclusive, but looks very much like a Henry Moore sculpture. 
Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa (circled) and arrow points to Van Gogh's Sunflowers 
The Persistence of Memory - Salvador Dalí
Her slightly famous smile also shows up during Helter Shelter's couch gag.
Inspired by true stories, a mission to recover lost paintings during the war is the subject of Raging Abe Simpson and his Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish".

2014 George Clooney flick The Monuments Men bears 'some' similarity.

Madonna and Child - Botticelli
Gramps takes another look.
Portrait of a Young Man - Raphael
It's hair today, gone tomorrow for Homer Scissorhands.

Convergence - Jackson Pollock
(From left to right), Rembrandt's The Syndics of the Drapers Guild, Thomas Gainsborough's The Blue Boy and Frida Kahlo's Self Portrait With a Monkey
Men and women are equal because Girls Just Want to Have Sums.

Jack in Pulpit II - Georgia O'Keeffe
Self Portrait with a Monkey - Frida Kahlo
While Cletus and psychiatry dominates Yokel Chords, Comic Book geezer holds cultural key.

The Persistence of Memory - Salvador Dalí (left) and The Star - Edgar Degas (right)
Women and Birds at Sunrise - Joan Miro (left)
The Star is a boss from The House of the Dead 4 and as with every other until Overkill, is named after a Tarot card from the Major Arcana.

Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper hangs in:

Bart's Girlfriend
Homer Loves Flanders
Check out two awesome parodies of Michelangelo'sThe Creation of Adam.

Blood Feud
The Homer of Seville
The Homer They Fall includes Dempsey and Firpo by George Bellows.


Very briefly crossing over to Quahog, The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire superbly recreates LeRoy Neiman's colourful spectacle at Rocky III's conclusion.


Without debate, this photograph of Ali vs Liston II is one of the most iconic images in sport.


No matter what's said about 'fix', the truth died with geezer on canvas.

I've never seen it but theoretically, Ving Rhames was ideally cast in 2008 bio pic Phantom Punch.

Presenting the best of the rest.

Bart Gets an Elephant
American Gothic - Grant Wood
Bart Gets Hit By a Car
The Garden of Earthly Delights (Hell) - Hieronymus Bosch
Boy Meets Curl
Sky and Water II - M. C. Escher
Dude Where's My Ranch?
Flanders becomes Andy Warhol's pop art
Half-Decent Proposal
Various styles here, but block of four on left is more from Andy Warhol and speech bubble (bottom left) is synonymous with Roy Lichtenstein.
Lisa the Simpson
1933 Painting - Joan Miro
Old Money
Nighthawks - Edward Hopper
The Mansion Family
Still Life with Basket of Apples - Paul Cezanne
Krusty Gets Kancelled
Grande Odalisque - Jean-Auguste-Dominique Ingres
Bart Gets an F
Washington Crossing the Delaware - Emanuel Gottlieb Leutze
The Last Temptation of Homer
The Birth of Venus - Botticelli
Homer the Whopper
Guernica - Picasso
Finally, Van Gogh takes centre animation.

The Strong Arms of the Ma begins with Rainier Wolfcastle's yard sale and Self Portrait with Felt Hat is up for grabs.
At episode's end of Four Great Women and a Manicure, Maggie whips up Starry Night.
They Saved Lisa's Brain
(Middle top) Starry Night
(Top left) Pair of Leather Boots
(Middle left) Still Life of Open Bible
(Middle bottom) Self Portrait with Felt Hat
Bottom left, bottom right and top right may well be based on, but...
Hardly duff, right?

Stay tuned as small screen will return.
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Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation - The scoop and digest

August 5, 2015, 6:23 pm
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Light the fuse and improvise famous theme...

Since Brian De Palma took Bruce Geller's hit television show to the big screen in 1996, nobody has returned to bark orders from hallowed chair.

Maybe common knowledge, but whatever.

Christopher McQuarrie is handed directorial baton number five and screwing up is surely not an option.

Plot details and/or spoilers are encrypted.

Global implausibility extends to:

Tom Cruise - Ethan Hunt
Rebecca Ferguson - Faust
Jeremy Renner - William Brandt
Simon Pegg - Benji Dunn
Sean Harris - Solomon Lane
Alec Baldwin - Hunley
Ving Rhames - Luther
Simon McBurney - Attlee

In Minsk, Belarus, Ethan and his team successfully intercept VX nerve gas.

We didn't have to wait long for poster scene to happen.

While receiving orders in London, Ethan is captured and gassed by members of 'The Syndicate'.

Thanks to the help of disavowed MI6 agent Faust, Ethan escapes the tortuous techniques of baddie Vinter, more affectionately known as The Bone Doctor.

IMF is currently under investigation for its questionable techniques and subsequently dissolved into the CIA, much to the satisfaction and dissatisfaction of CIA director Hunley and agent Brandt respectively.

What now, right?

Pursue your own personal agenda, in this case - a bespectacled blonde dude.

Ethan meets up with Benji in Vienna and opera Turandot overpowers the car-bombing of Austrian Chancellor.

Months later in Casablanca, Morocco, the gang discuss how to steal 'ledger', containing Syndicate's dastardly infrastructure and secrets stored beneath a giant underwater server.

To briefly explain, crime organisation is best described as an anti-IMF.

Despite the inconvenience of Ethan 'drowning', things eventually go according to plan.

Ethan is revived using defibrillator but instead of sticking around for nooky, Faust legs it - taking USB drive with her.

What a bitch.

Benji, please tell me your ass made a copy?

Good boy.

Faust returns to London and chats with employer Attlee, but refuses to comply with request of completing mission.

When blonde bombshell Lane learns drive is empty (recently erased by Attlee), he isn't the happiest of bunnies.

As file is stored in a 'red box', it's beyond any hacker and only Prime Minister's particulars can gain access.

Benji is kidnapped and the price of freedom is the delivery of file decryption.

Luther and Brandt inevitably protest (pointless argument cliché), but Ethan reluctantly agrees to Lane's ransom demand.

Disguised as Attlee, Ethan forces PM to spill Syndicate beans and after being subdued by tranquilliser dart, the necessary extraction takes place.

Data contains billions in numerous currencies (surprise surprise) and Ethan destroys it, informing Lane that providing Benji and Faust are released, grey matter will make him stinking rich.

Vinter is killed during knife fight with Faust and before Ethan's fate is sealed with Lane's itchy trigger finger, a bulletproof cell conveniently cages rat.

Life's a gas and soon you'll be tried for a crime probably tantamount to treason.

Watch your ass pretty boy.

Hunley and Brandt go before the board who agree to reinstate the IMF, with the former becoming 'Secretary'.

If formula ain't broke, don't fix it.

Lots of gabbing, good story, walkthrough of how to overcome seemingly 'impossible' task and sporadic, but hugely impressive stunts (performed not only by Cruise, but also Pegg behind the wheel) are routinely staple diet.

Hanging on the outside of aircraft thousands of feet above ground without the aid of stunt double or CGI?

What a fucking lunatic.

Second only to previous film in terms of entertainment, this is a rip-rollicking ride and set-pieces can often be spectacular.

Either in scene or dialogue, all four assignments are directly or indirectly referenced, including motorbike chase (M: I II) and Kremlin's destruction (Ghost Protocol).

Gadgets include oxygen arm bands, car windows activated by palm recognition and retinal scanners.

Yeah, they meet fantastical consumerism.

The main problem I have is unlike Philip Seymour Hoffman's ruthless arms dealer Davian, villains are lifeless and lame.

Also, Pegg is very briefly seen playing Halo 5.  Microsoft are obviously skint.

Good [insert time of day here], Tom Cruise.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to return for another stunt-laden extravaganza.

(Confirmation sent by email).

Aren't you worried about message self-destructing in five seconds?

Not really, as I'm more concerned about getting too old for this shit.

Unofficially spoken like a true professional.
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Video games stealing film and famous faces - Reel 2

August 10, 2015, 6:05 pm
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Box art is the perfect place to begin.

Famed for fluid character animation, platform action, puzzle-solving and digitised speech, Epyx's Impossible Mission was an instant C64 hit.

Although title is extremely similar, this bears no connection to Mission: Impossible.

Professor Elvin Atombender (what a fucking name) is back for revenge in a more complicated, but largely unchanged sequel.

His large weapon suggests Magnum Force.



T.I. album Trouble Man: Heavy Is the Head was heavily influenced.


Is it reasonable to say everybody forgets Rockstar's Red Dead began in 2004 with Revolver?

Maybe.

Whatever, angry gunslinger really rings true with 1976 classic The Outlaw Josey Wales.


Using surprisingly effective b/w footage, Prize Fighter is Raging Bull on Sega CD.

Box art is what you'd expect.


Maybe they saw De Niro's Jake LaMotta activate self-destruct against Sugar Ray?

For the purposes of dramatisation, pummelling received was greatly exaggerated.
Pre-dating FPS, observe Taito's Final Blow on whichever home computer.


After knocking out an in shape, but mentally damaged Mike Tyson in 1990, Mega Drive port (outside of Japan) was renamed James 'Buster' Douglas Knockout Boxing.

The man himself dominated box art (much like actual fight), but was merely a lazy palette swap of regular The Detroit Kid.

Master System discarded arcade's look and settled on a Rocky clone.

As if two giant dumps weren't enough, the toilet flushed another turd in 1991 with Heavyweight Champ.

(Shakes head).

Pantera's Vulgar Display of Power and I Didn't See It Coming by The Professionals are albums of unlikely coincidence.


Released after Cabal and building upon Contra's 3D perspective, 1988 arcade Devastators is consigned to Konami obscurity.

Still, it was the evolution for G.I. Joe, just like Capcom's Black Tiger became Magic Sword.

Gun toting twins aside, Rambo III provided the perfect, ahem, inspiration for title screen.


You'll note anonymous chars are differentiated by red and blue headbands.

It's a bizarre and innocuous thing to duplicate, but same shit happened in SNK's cult 1986 classic Ikari Warriors, with future King of Fighters participants Ralf (red) and Clark (blue).


Come on, why?

Newscaster 'Clark Kent' brings a bizarre report in messed up 1991 PC Engine shmup Download 2.


Complete with leather jacket, Neo Geo borefest Riding Hero had Taylor as Max Rockatansky.


Nerozzia from Taito's gangster farce Dead Connection was a fan of Marlon Brando's Vito Corleone.


Remember, evil power steals on.

What the fuck does that mean?  Ha ha!

Chars James and Philip pose as Eliot Ness (Kevin Costner) and George Stone (Andy Garcia) respectively, from Brian de Palma's 1987 smash The Untouchables.



Secret agent from Mega Drive's Rambo III looks nothing like Roy Batty, right?


Sarcasm couldn't be further from my mind.

Bomb Kick is a weird arcade by developer Yun Sung Electronics.

Spot the difference game Search Eye lifted Cammy's theme from SSF2: The New Challengers.

You needn't rub a lamp to conjure up this Genie.



The assholes couldn't even be bothered to recolour boss.


Abu (monkey), Jafar's guards and Aladdin himself as baddies all in the same screen?


Bomb Hack?

Copy that!

Thunder Blade had no right to display such amazing scaling effects in 1987.

Title screen imagery looks innocent enough, but I yell Blue Thunder.



If that's the meat, let me pour gravy.

Cast mince pies over Martial Masters.


IGS practically cloned Washizuka's stage from The Last Blade 2.

Fire at the Wadamoya
"Flames"
The extinguishable hate
I distinctly remember the Dreamcast port omitting superb ripple effect.

But wait, look at setting for end fight between Genma and Kibagami Jubei in Ninja Scroll, not to be confused with 2003 television series.


Swapping boat for house? Tut fucking tut!

For more burning ambition, see Rebecca's stage in enjoyable 1995 spin-off Double Dragon.


After sieving through each with fine-sword comb, here's what Samurai Shodown half-inched from Yoshiaki Kawajiri's excellent 1993 action thriller.

Temple Mist (Nicotine's stage) vs random scene



Tall trees, concrete steps leading to temple and moist air engulfing sombre atmosphere.

The deeply flawed third and more balanced fourth dedicated proceedings to bamboo.



Hmmm, nothing like when Jubei takes on Devil of Kimon Utsutsu Mujuro.


Ukyo is a man of few words, when compared to blind samurai.


Original portrait retained principle.


Nicotine vs Dakuan


Just in case you're still not convinced, check out staff's end.


Undoubtedly more Shameless than Chatsworth's finest.

Before SNK bought them out, Metal Slug was Nazca's heavy machine gun.

Super Vehicle-001 is transport we strive to control.


Or put another way, how Dominion Tank Police trundled about.


Jealous of Minnie's beauty, witch Mizrabel shakes up the harmony of Vera City by kidnapping female rodent in Castle of Illusion.

Stereotypical hag on broomstick later transforms into her larger and younger self.


Okay, she makes no effort of disguising she's the Queen from Disney's 1937 adaptation of Brothers Grimm fairytale Snow White.


Licensing issues?

Doesn't make a great deal of fucking sense.

2013 HD remake.
Before Angelina Jolie wore antagonistic horns in 2014 big screen outing, 3DS adventure Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion painted Mizrabel as Sleeping Beauty villain Maleficent.

Others with Mr. Jack Shit to do with Disney were perversely less subtle.

Mr. Nutz (various)
I'm still Hoppin' Mad superior Amiga game ignored consoles.

Diet Go Go (Arcade)
Parody or piss take? Only Data East will know.

Crossed between SNK's Prehistoric Isle and Carrier Air Wing (spiritual 1990 follow-up to U.N. Squadron), P-47 Aces is Jaleco's opulent 1995 sequel to The Phantom Fighter.


Manga and eventual anime Area 88 is less mysterious than its 51 counterpart...

Capcom trumped Jaleco's 1988 card four years earlier as 1942 (first in the long-running 19XX franchise), debuted in 1984.

Some broad gives mission heads-up and bloke barks orders in U.N. Squadron.


After all that tomfoolery, enter Tony Scott's cult 1986 classic Top Gun.

Sergeant Kim Blair becomes flight instructor Charlie (Kelly McGillis).


Bond legend Sean Connery starred in Carrier Air Wing and/or Japanese namesake U.S. Navy.


I reckon...

James Roy vs Goose (Anthony Edwards)


Mark Olson vs Ice (Val Kilmer)



Did Lt. Pete Mitchell (Tom Cruise), more affectionately known as 'Maverick' escape Capcom's attention?

In a word, no.

Mick Ford is based on famous publicity still.


Thumbs up in F-14 Tomcat is given thusly.


If you're going to rip something off, do it in fucking style.

Charlie flying fighter jet in Ryu's ending to Street Fighter Alpha 3 might be some kind of reference to Carrier Air Wing?
Congratulatory screen is reminiscent of wild celebrations.
Group hug didn't deliver the climax he'd hoped for. 
I'll stand corrected, but is T2 the only film to feature After Burner?

Note cabinet artwork.


For North America, SNES weapons orgy Super Aleste was renamed Space Megaforce.
1994 Neo Geo shmup Zed Blade changed things around.

In space, nobody can hear peace scream.
Rambunctious entertainment will continue...
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The Gift - The scoop and digest

August 13, 2015, 3:47 pm
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Falling under the category of 'same title, different film', Joel Edgerton writes, helps produce and stars in his directorial debut.

Plot details and/or spoilers won't let bygones be bygones.

Dealing with the past:

Jason Bateman - Simon
Rebecca Hall - Robyn
Joel Edgerton - Gordo

Monkey phobic Simon and overworked wife Robyn relocate from Chicago to California to start a family.

While shopping, they bump into Simon's former classmate Gordo who husband claims not to remember.

Gordo begins leaving innocent presents, ranging from wine (always nice) and fish (ideally served with mushy peas).

Dinner party beckons and because Gordo often turns up unannounced, Simon reckons Gordo has become obsessed with Robyn.

Upon return from private phone call, Simon says let's close all comms.

Woof woof Mr. Bojangles goes missing and the finger of blame is predictably pointed at you know who, but without evidence...

Robyn finds sleeping increasingly more difficult and reacquaints with herself with old friend prescription drugs.

Overcome with paranoia of being 'alone', she collapses and as if by magic, wakes the next day in bed.

Meanwhile, Simon scores promotion at work as nearest competitor Danny McDonald misses out.

Shortly after dog turns up unharmed, they receive a letter from Gordo pouring his apologetic heart on paper.

Simon remains coy over what 'bygones' refers to.

Bun is baked inside Robyn's now relaxed oven but despite apparent harmony, the mystery of Gordo's letter still lingers, so wife seeks answers from Simon's sister.

It turns out that along with friend Greg, Simon was a bully and because of chatting shit over an incident regarding molestation and sexuality, his father was arrested for attempted murder.

When challenged, Simon refuses to accept he's done anything wrong.

A hostile, lying sociopath.  Nice personality combination.

Simon agrees to make peace and finds Gordo hosting a pub quiz.

After insincere apology is quickly rejected, Simon attacks a terrified Gordo.

While celebrating promotion, stone, rock or brick (who cares) is thrown through glass door and behind vandalism is Danny, who reveals that Simon purposely stirred up shit over email, leading to his sacking.

Robyn goes into labour and safely delivers child, but Simon loses job and Robyn tells him where to go.

What goes around comes around, and if you'll forgive me - ha fucking ha!

Licking scheming wounds, he finds a large package left on doorstep.

Moses basket comprises of the following goodies.

1. Duplicate house key (self explanatory)
2. CD (audio recording of Simon ripping the piss)
3. DVD (footage of Gordo taking Robyn into bedroom after she fainted).

Did he rape her?

We don't know, as footage abruptly ends.

A battered Gordo visits Robyn and pleasantries are exchanged.

Robyn glares holding baby, Simon slumps to his knees and Gordo walks away, leaving father's identity undisclosed.

So like It Follows, ending is left ambiguous.

Leaving the strong taste of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle (is the hand that rules the world), whiffing of Fatal Attraction and exhaling Unlawful Entry, strong performances bolster Edgerton's well put together psychological thriller.

Bateman's metmorphosis from hotshot to principal scumbag, Edgerton's socially awkward oddball and Hall's gradual fragility is testament to character development.

One thing I certainly didn't expect was The Shining.

Robyn's hospital room is 237.

STFU!

While that's speculative coincidence, Christopher Smith's 2009 purgatory horror Triangle openly makes several allusions to Kubrick's seminal 1980 classic.

Most have probably forgotten it was 217 in Stephen King's novel.

Although rollercoaster driven plot plummets into disappointing cliché, I slap this with Gordo's smiley face seal of approval.
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